Liverpool FC Forum

by **burjennio** » Fri Sep 24, 2010 6:43 pm

redhayesy wrote:
burjennio wrote:
redhayesy wrote:hi i'm carlos tevez & this is my new lean, mean, fat reducing grilling machine...........
it's so good i put my face on it!!

THAT IS MY JOKE, I ADAPTED IT FROM AN EARLER SIMON WESTON ONE, YOU OWE ME MONEY FOR USING THAT

nice one mate,shows we have the same sence of humour... the cheques in the post

the royaltys are paying for my yaught!

by **redhayesy** » Fri Sep 24, 2010 6:46 pm

LOL nice one mate, now have you any other material, or are you just a one trick pony with jokes!

by **redhayesy** » Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:28 pm

my wife said to me, "i'm fed up with you being so fecking lazy,pack your bags & leave. "i said, you fecking pack them".

by **stmichael** » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:32 am

Just bought the missus a pair of Liverpool knickers. f**king great.

Two yanks and they're down!

by **stmichael** » Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:48 pm

Just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend.

by **GRAHAM01** » Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:23 am

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your willpower!'

Top tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...Wish me luck: I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about the wait.' I said 'Don't worry fatty. You’re bound to lose it eventually.'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

I have a new pickup line that works every time with a blonde! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league the woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes: 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "mancs" and “Immigrants” were not the correct answers.

by **redhayesy** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:17 pm

i fancied a takeaway last night so i phoned the local chinese for some scan, the guy answered & said 'hello i'm Wan King the chef.- i said sorry -if it's inconvient i'ii fecking phone back later!

by **Reg** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:22 pm

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

by **Reg** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:29 pm

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

by **Reg** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:32 pm

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today’.
‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said.
The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.’

by **Dundalk** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:32 pm

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

by **redhayesy** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:31 pm

3 mice in a glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who's the hardest....

Aberdeen mouse says: "i go up to mousetraps,rip the cheese out & as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times & throw it across the room!"

Edinburgh mouse says:" YOU POOF!" -" i get rat poison,crush itinto powder & snort it!"

Glasgow mouse finishes his beer,gets up & walks to the door...
"where are you going? asked the other two?

"home to sh@g the cat!!

by **worcester_red** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:49 pm

stmichael wrote:Just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend.

by **redhayesy** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:55 pm

man goes to the doctors for a penis extension. the doc suggests a baby elephants trunk stiched on for £3000. man agrees,6 weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend,he feels an unussual stirring in his pants.
he thinks to himself-'this is the night!' while chatting over dinner his c0ck flys out,steals some fruit off the table & goes back.

"wow!" she says, 'canyou do that again? 'he says 'My c0ck can but i don't think my @rse can take another apple.'

by **redhayesy** » Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:42 pm

what do women & prawns have in common? their heads are full of :censored:

, but the pink bits taste great!

sorry nan,ciggy etc but i know you have a sence of humour so
i thought as we won yesterday yous would be in a forgiving mood anyway!

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