Liverpool FC Forum

[Judge]

George Bush goes to an elementary school to give a speech. After his
talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
George
asks him what his name is. "Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?

Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and
asks
him what his name is? "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!

And fifth, "where is Bob??"

-------------------------------
that would probably be true    

[AussieKopite]

Nice, I've got one that was sent to me today at work. I'll find it and put it up later.

[laza]

Old Military one 

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local
liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand
and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several
times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[mk4195421]

George Bush goes to an elementary school to give a speech. After his
talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
George
asks him what his name is. "Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?

Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and
asks
him what his name is? "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!

And fifth, "where is Bob??"

-------------------------------
that would probably be true    

1. US can invade anyone - they are the World Police (haven't you seen team america?)
2. republicans are just more better suited than democrats. besides, the CIA and the FBI realized that kerry cant decide on things at all -even when he goes to starbucks. "i'll get a java chip frap. no wait, mocha latte. actually, java chip." well, you get the idea.
3. osama bin laden is chillin with the bush family and he sleeps in the farmhouse
4.bob is now working in a textile factory in shanghai,china

[Lando_Griffin]

1. George Bush is a brilliant President, and the best the World has ever seen.

2. Tony Blair is a respected man.

3. Cherie Blair looks nothing like a witch with a sore ar*e.

4. John Prescott is anorexic.

5. Gordon Brown is a really nice man, and is generous with his taxation.

6. Labour are the Working-Class party.

7. Joining the single currency is a marvellous idea.

8. Jacques Chirac is a brave man, and has Britain's best interests at heart.

9. Saddam Hussein loves McDonalds.

10. Osama Bin Laden absolutely does not look like a complete tit who I'd love to smash in the face.

11. The Liberal Democrats are serious contenders to Labour, and are not the biggest pile of horsesh*t outside of France.

12. A vote for Labour is not a vote for higher taxes.

13. Alistair Campbell is not a liar.

14. Labour will definately not cause the devolution of Britain due to a scraggly old haggard called Angus.

15. Tony "I am a Cheshire Cat" Blair's "New Labour" have improved the NHS to such an extent, that you are now cured before you even know you are ill.

16. SARS does not exist.

17. MRSA does not exist.

18. Tax is our friend.

19. The building of second-rate houses, selling for first-rate prices helps 1st-time-buyers to get on the ladder. Seriously.

20. Britain and it's people are not straining under the weight of the Spinelss Blair/EU axis of pedantic, power-hungry, souless, un-elected bureaucracy, but welcome it instead.

Ask "old Joe" on the corner whether he feels that he's getting a fair deal for the £20,000,000,000 or so the British taxpayer has to find each year to be a part of this farce, and he will say "Oh, absolutely".
Ask young Ricky, the newly-graduated University student, whether he thinks that he's in a good position, having accumulated debts of £20+k trying to make a better life for himself. He'd say he's as happy as Larry.

Now, if you were to ask the self-employed white-van-man Joe if he feels blessed by Europe's brilliantly fair increase in petrol prices, he would say "Ohhh yes!"
He sees the fairness, you see, of Britain having the highest-priced Diesel in Europe, and the second-highest priced petrol.
Not only this, but he positively regails his family with the joys of Taxing his van for £190-odd every year, despite Spain rolling all their tax into the petrol, which is extortionately priced at 66.4p per litre. Only a saving of 30.1p on every single litre they buy.

Labour are BASTARDS. VICIOUS, HEARTLESS BASTARDS!

[Judge]

folk moan about bush, but to be honest his homeland policy (if we take new orleans out of the equation), is pretty impressive.

i reckon he will win again in the elections. sad but true

[AussieKopite]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
in the newspapers, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter
in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded
message:
370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.With no clue as to its
meaning they eventually asked Britain's
MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the
President he's holding the message upside down".

[anti-hero]

[anti-hero]

folk moan about bush, but to be honest his homeland policy (if we take new orleans out of the equation), is pretty impressive.

i reckon he will win again in the elections. sad but true

Rejoice Judge.

He wont get reelected.

Presidents here only serve for a maximum of 2, 4 year terms.

If memory serves me right I think the Presidential Elections were held in 2004.

That means the monkey in control of the world only has 2 more years before they take him down and put him back in his "Brokeback Mountain" themed home in Texas.

[Big Niall]

folk moan about bush, but to be honest his homeland policy (if we take new orleans out of the equation), is pretty impressive.

i reckon he will win again in the elections. sad but true

Yeah?

Security
Trying to sell management of ports to Saudis (where did most of the 9/11 terrorists come from?)

Social
Gave tax breaks to the rich while cut back spending on the poor.

Economic
took over the biggest surplus in US history and turned it into the biggest deficit ever

[Judge]

Niall - homeland policy is nothing to do with what you have said on the above, or that angle is not what i meant anyway - ok


------------------------------------------------------------


anyway, back on thread topic:




While I was driving down the A1 the other day, (going a littlefaster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.

The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"

"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously . "And just what  do you do with a six-foot arsehole"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105

Court Costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless...

[mk4195421]

sounds a lot like goatse

[Judge]

sounds a lot like goatse

what??

[mk4195421]

sounds a lot like goatse

what??

Nevermind...

Joke:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?

[laza]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
in the newspapers, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter
in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded
message:
370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.With no clue as to its
meaning they eventually asked Britain's
MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the
President he's holding the message upside down".