Should make you smile - Post some jokes here

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Postby teamleader1 » Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:57 pm

hawkmoon269 wrote:A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

like it !
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Postby hawkmoon269 » Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:57 pm

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
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Postby hawkmoon269 » Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:58 pm

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Postby Benitez No1 » Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:59 pm

Ha hawkmoon269 Classic


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket
at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.......

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
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Postby hawkmoon269 » Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:59 pm

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Postby hawkmoon269 » Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:03 pm

little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
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Postby Benitez No1 » Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:05 pm

An old lady falls over outside Goodison and Moyes goes over to help. He
asks the lady can she manage and she says ''F**K off I don't want the
job!''

..........................................................................................
............

After Everton's :censored: start to the season I nailed my season ticket to
the club gates in disgust. Next day I had a change of heart and went
back for it
- and some b***ard had nicked the nail.
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Postby ry_math » Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:17 pm

everton have a new sponser!! **pampers nappys** bcos there p.iss up frunt and s.hit at the bk :p
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Postby Benitez No1 » Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:21 pm

Have you heard the one about the Evertonian who bought a 'Golden Goal'
ticket and found the word "October" written inside when he opened it!?
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Postby zarababe » Fri Sep 23, 2005 6:12 pm

Posted this elsewhere.. then saw this thread :

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: 

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!"  the President exclaims.  "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

'How many is a Brazillion ??!'

:D
THE BRENDAN REVOLUTION IS UPON US !

KING KENNY.. Always LEGEND !

RAFA.. MADE THE PEOPLE HAPPY !

Miss YOU Phil-Drummer - RIP YNWA

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