Liverpool FC Forum

[Kharhaz]

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the landlady of the local pub The Cockwell Inn. For some reason she gets very embarrassed whenever she receives her post.....

Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts.

[Kharhaz]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and im 50......

It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

[dawson99]

I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over."

[dawson99]

My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.

My son moaned, "The rain is wet."

My friend laughed and said, "Talk about stating the obvious!"

"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.

After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets it from me."

[andy_g]

[dawson99]

My wife told me I should stop talking to myself.

Stupid woman, I'm not even married.

[Dundalk]

Liverpool

[kazza]

Liverpool

[Reg]

The FA have brought in a new ruling. Anyone found passing to Andy Carroll will automatically receive a yellow card for time wasting.

Liverpool have offered to sell Andy Carroll back to Newcastle Utd for free. Newcastle have reported Liverpool for threatening behaviour.

[Reg]

Paddy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
Mick:   "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

[Boocity]

Not a joke but a funny story.

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

                   Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year
                   old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

                   The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
                   charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and
                   public intoxication.

                   The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
                   way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know
                   how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around
                   for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

                   Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
                   picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut
                   a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I
                   was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

                   In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
                   approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer
                   Brenda Taylor approached him.

                   'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.
                   'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

                   Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
                   Lawrence .

                   'I said: ' Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex
                   with a pumpkin??'

                   He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
                   looked me straight in the face and said:

                   'A pumpkin? Sh*t ... is it midnight already?'

                   The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best
                   come-back line ever.

[babu]

Not a joke but a funny story.

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

                   Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year
                   old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

                   The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
                   charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and
                   public intoxication.

                   The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
                   way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know
                   how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around
                   for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

                   Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
                   picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut
                   a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I
                   was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

                   In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
                   approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer
                   Brenda Taylor approached him.

                   'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.
                   'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

                   Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
                   Lawrence .

                   'I said: ' Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex
                   with a pumpkin??'

                   He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
                   looked me straight in the face and said:

                   'A pumpkin? Sh*t ... is it midnight already?'

                   The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best
                   come-back line ever.

Interesting, but why was he fornicating with a horse drawn carriage?

[Mikz]

My mate said switching off his mother inlaws life support machine was the most difficult thing he ever had to do.

He obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint

[Mikz]

Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her.

[babu]

Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her.

Nice to see you back mikz