Liverpool FC Forum

[Kenny Kan]

Not jokes but these are quite funny:

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1.. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Mikz]

Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her.

Nice to see you back mikz

thanks matey 

[andy_g]

Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won't forget her either after you leave her.

Nice to see you back mikz

thanks matey 

mikz

[Mikz]

Andy lad!!

[dawson99]

Andy lad!!

Brother! 

[Mikz]

  daws!

lol mad

[Kenny Kan]

Barack Obama met with the Queen.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? What tips can you give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!"

[laza]

A mushroom walks into the bar and say to the bartender:

"Hey can I have a beer?"

The bartender looks at him, shaking his head and said:

"No, we don't serve food here."

The Mushroom said:

"Why not? I'm a Fungi"

[stmichael]

I just saw a notice on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most exclusive pub ever.

[Kenny Kan]

This is true btw and it's priceless.

Sydney, Australia: A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single check-in attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk, slapped his ticket down on the counter and demands preferential treatment.

Stroppy Passenger: I have to be on this flight and it has to be First Class.

Check-In: I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

Stroppy Passenger: (loudly, so whole queue can hear) do you have any idea who I am?

The check-in attendant's response was made using the public address microphone so that the whole terminal hears it.

Check-In: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please. We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.
The queuing passengers are now laughing.

Stroppy Passenger: F*** You!

Check-In: I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

[stmichael]

So Shinji Kagawa has arrived at Old Trafford with his girlfriend who is an Asian porn star.

"It can be very difficult moving to a new country but I will do everything to help and treat Shinji like a brother", said Ryan Giggs

[ethanr]

So Shinji Kagawa has arrived at Old Trafford with his girlfriend who is an Asian porn star.

"It can be very difficult moving to a new country but I will do everything to help and treat Shinji like a brother", said Ryan Giggs

Took me a minute, but holy Sh*t.  Shinji better keep an eye on giggs and his porn star girl friend.

[shanks13]

this could potentially be on here... but I'm not sure I can wade through 74 pages or find it searching.
*
Two Mexicans are walking through a desert, Pedro and Miguel. Both aching and dying of hunger and thirst, they see what looks like a tree on the horizon. As they approach the tree, Pedro says that it looks like it's got bacon on it. 'Eet's a bacon tree!' he exclaims. The other states that it could be a mirage, but seeing as they can smell as well as see all these different types of bacon, streaky, middle, back, smoked, unsmoked etc they reckon it must be real.

Pedro runs towards it, but inches away from the tree he is gunned down. With his dying breath he shouts, 'Miguel! Eet's not a bacon tree!' Confused, Miguel asks what it actually is, and the response is... eet's.... eet's... eeet's. A hambush!

I apologise.

[aCe']

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[andy_g]

A man goes to the doctor. Doctor, I've got a problem with my sex-life. Really, says the doctor, what's wrong? Well doctor, it's like this. I make love to my wife every morning before we get up. If I have time, we do it again before I leave for work. As soon as I arrive, I tear my secretary's clothes off and we set to in my office. At lunch I pop out and see my mistress, and we make love until I have to go back to the office, where my secretary is waiting, naked. After an end of the day blowjob from the receptionist I head home, where my wife is waiting to show me the lingerie she has bought to help tempt me into the evening of passion that awaits me.

So, says the doctor, what is your problem?

Well, says the man, it hurts when I masturbate.