Liverpool FC Forum

[stmichael]

Feminists say that tomorrow will be 'The Age Of Woman'. Sorry to break it to you, but there's already been an Iron Age.

[Bad Bob]

For all fans of The Wire out there, a brilliant lego parody!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikehayes/the-lego-wire

[stmichael]

For all fans of The Wire out there, a brilliant lego parody!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikehayes/the-lego-wire

[Kenny Kan]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[red till i die!!]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

pmsl  

[Mikz]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with has girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No." replies the officer, "your driving was first class, it was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

[damjan193]

I just read this:



A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday

"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this f*cking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your f*cking BADGE!!"

[andy_g]

the top ten jokes from this year's edinburgh fringe:

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar


and some gems from previous years...

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" 
"I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze."
and "Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly."  - Tim Vine

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." - Stewart Francis

"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antopolski

[Kenny Kan]

Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a Kind Conservative and a Nasty Conservative are walking down the street. They see a £50 note lying on the ground. Who gets it?

A: The Nasty Conservative, of course. The other three are fictional.

[Kharhaz]

Madam was quite the old stager
Who as the result of a wager
Consented to fart
The complete oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F major.

BUT the violinist was just a bit smarter
For he was a magnificent farter
He could play anything
From God Save the King
To Beethovens Moonlight Sonata.

[Kharhaz]

I just saw Audley Harrison down at the local off licence and he ordered two bottles of rum, a bottle of brandy, three bottles of Martini, a bottle of whisky and some fruit juice.

I think he was trying to learn how to make a punch.



Shamelessly nicked of sickipedia.

[woof woof !]

From a Les Dawson re-run

"Every year the mother in law comes round to our house for xmas dinner but this year we've decided to do something different,

We're going to let her in "

[Boocity]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting.
At least I got home OK!!

The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next Sh*t could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

[Boocity]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...
.

.


.



.


.


"What the fook would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Boocity]

This is the English Language for you !

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written by council house tenants:

1. It's the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his c0ck wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife...

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.