A man suspected his wife was seeing
another man, so he hired the famous
Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and
report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
Jokes thread - Post your funniest jokes here
by Boocity » Thu Apr 28, 2011 7:17 am
Best divorce letter.
Dear Connie ,
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. T!ts like you wouldn't believe and an a$s that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fooking remote is.
Love, Dan
Dear Connie ,
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. T!ts like you wouldn't believe and an a$s that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fooking remote is.
Love, Dan
-
Boocity - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 5147
- Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 10:13 am
- Location: Abu Dhabi
by dawson99 » Fri May 06, 2011 3:59 pm
Kenny Kan wrote:Just got back from the coffee shop, had a bin latte, it had a white fluffy head and two shots.
That sir, if fooking genius
0118 999 881 999 119 7253
-
dawson99 - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 25377
- Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2004 12:56 pm
- Location: in the mo fo hood y'all
by roberto green » Fri May 06, 2011 5:53 pm
Al Qaeda leader Bin Laden has released a statement saying:
"I'm alive and well....
To prove it, I watched Everton play on television last weekend and they were
"
A spokesman for the American government issued a counter saying
"that could of been recorded at anytime over the past 40 years"
"I'm alive and well....
To prove it, I watched Everton play on television last weekend and they were
"A spokesman for the American government issued a counter saying
"that could of been recorded at anytime over the past 40 years"
-
roberto green - Posts: 3849
- Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:47 pm
- Location: bootle
by damjan193 » Fri May 06, 2011 7:24 pm
You all probably know these but I'm going to post them anyway 
A man walks in his son's room and catches his son while snorting cocaine. The man, in anger, yells at his son: "Right, if I catch you doing that again, I'll rub your fecking nose in it!"
(the joke originally should be with an Irishman instead of just a man
, but I didnt want to write anything discriminating )
Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****G Man United.
A man walks in his son's room and catches his son while snorting cocaine. The man, in anger, yells at his son: "Right, if I catch you doing that again, I'll rub your fecking nose in it!"
(the joke originally should be with an Irishman instead of just a man
, but I didnt want to write anything discriminating )Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****G Man United
.- damjan193
- LFC Super Member
- Posts: 8737
- Joined: Wed May 13, 2009 10:25 pm
by Redman in wales » Fri May 06, 2011 9:40 pm
Pippa Middleton's a.ss is like a JK Rowling novel. You know that Harry is going to be in it.
Last edited by Redman in wales on Fri May 06, 2011 9:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
Redman in wales - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 4342
- Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2006 12:02 pm
- Location: Oxford
by roberto green » Fri May 06, 2011 10:12 pm
Two naked lesbians have just broke into my house and started raping my missus,
I tried my best but all I could do is knock one out!!
I tried my best but all I could do is knock one out!!
-
roberto green - Posts: 3849
- Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:47 pm
- Location: bootle
by Boocity » Sat May 07, 2011 1:00 pm
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a taxi, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a West End star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fvcking widow."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a taxi, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a West End star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fvcking widow."
-
Boocity - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 5147
- Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 10:13 am
- Location: Abu Dhabi
by Boocity » Tue May 10, 2011 11:03 am
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f*cking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
-
Boocity - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 5147
- Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 10:13 am
- Location: Abu Dhabi
by RedSi35 » Tue May 10, 2011 9:04 pm
Courtesy of Sickipedia...
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, " off, you won't bring it back!".
This morning on the way to work I crashed into the car in front. A dwarf gets out, inspects the damage and says, "I'm not happy".
I replied, "Well which one are you then?".
I just had a water fight with the kids over at the local part. I won! No-one's a match for me and my kettle.
I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow. I'm going to dress up in a clown wig and wear make up and ony a thong and nipple tassles for clothes. I'll carry a goat and a can of flourescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping pages out of a phone book and swearing constantly. After getting the money I'll take a on the floor and everywhere. I will then escape in a van shaped like a giant pink . Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that!
I work in a bank and an old lady asked me to check her balance for her. So I pushed her over.
Tea is for mugs.
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his brother Dennis they were after.
I was checking into a hotel at the weekend and the guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled". Unbelieveable what some people are into...
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my XBox.
Early one morning there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.
What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?
There's only 1 Bender in Futurama.
NABG. Honestly, that's bang out of order.
I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date".
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "
off, you won't bring it back!".This morning on the way to work I crashed into the car in front. A dwarf gets out, inspects the damage and says, "I'm not happy".
I replied, "Well which one are you then?".
I just had a water fight with the kids over at the local part. I won! No-one's a match for me and my kettle.
I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow. I'm going to dress up in a clown wig and wear make up and ony a thong and nipple tassles for clothes. I'll carry a goat and a can of flourescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to
the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping pages out of a phone book and swearing constantly. After getting the money I'll take a on the floor and everywhere. I will then escape in a van shaped like a giant pink . Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that!I work in a bank and an old lady asked me to check her balance for her. So I pushed her over.
Tea is for mugs.
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his brother Dennis they were after.
I was checking into a hotel at the weekend and the guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled". Unbelieveable what some people are into...
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my XBox.
Early one morning there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.
What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?
There's only 1 Bender in Futurama.
NABG. Honestly, that's bang out of order.
I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date".
-
RedSi35 - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 3129
- Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 7:50 pm
- Location: UK
by RUSHIE#9 » Wed May 11, 2011 9:19 pm
Dundalk wrote:What have Kate Middleton and Osama Bin Laden got in common?
Last week a member of the armed forces kicked their back door in and unloaded on their face.
'Kinell, just choked on me tea!!
-
RUSHIE#9 - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 3694
- Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2005 7:25 pm
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