Liverpool FC Forum

by **redbeergoggles** » Sat Jan 16, 2010 2:04 am

Wife said to me you never do anything that takes my breath away anymore ,so I threw her inhaler in the bin

by **aCe'** » Sat Jan 16, 2010 2:13 am

j-max wrote:
dawson99 wrote:An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"
The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why do you ask, do you think they
look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"

lol good one

lmfao !

by **lfc_deno** » Tue Jan 19, 2010 1:13 am

A man walks into a bar and asks for a packet of helicopter flavour crisps.
The barman replies "sorry mate we only have plane".

by **Kharhaz** » Tue Jan 19, 2010 1:39 am

A man goes into the doctors with complaints of a dodgy tummy.

"Are you regular?" asks the doctor

"Every morning at 8 o'clock" replies the patient

"So whats the problem?"

"I get up at 9"

by **GRAHAM01** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:00 pm

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them,but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

---
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub
her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?
---

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop
and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

---
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"
---

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
decking on the patio.

---
Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b*llocks!!

---
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right.
After 8 pints I talk :censored:

and can't drive!
---

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a
rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.
---

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick :censored:

."
---

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache!"
---

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy :censored:

and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

by **Judge** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:09 pm

by **dawson99** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:22 pm

Judge wrote:edit

I'd love to hear the punchline!!!

◦What do you call epileptic lettuce?
◦Seizure salad.

by **stmichael** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:23 pm

went to the barbers this morning and asked my barber to cut my hair in the style of david james.

barber spent the next twenty minutes doing nothing but drop the f#cking scissors.

by **bunglemark2** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:45 pm

GRAHAM01 wrote:I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them,but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

---
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub
her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?
---

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop
and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

---
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"
---

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
decking on the patio.

---
Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b*llocks!!

---
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right.
After 8 pints I talk and can't drive!
---

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a
rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.
---

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick ."
---

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache!"
---

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

by **anti-hero** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 1:16 pm

dawson99 wrote:
Judge wrote:edit

I'd love to hear the punchline!!!

◦What do you call epileptic lettuce?
◦Seizure salad.

by **Greavesie** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 6:14 pm

I know how them poor people in Hatai feel, the last time I had 30 aftershocks I couldn't find my fecking house neither!

is it too early for these or should I wait for the dust to settle?

by **roberto green** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 6:21 pm

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs.

The dance floor was crawling with fanny

by **roberto green** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 6:30 pm

Sat down in a public toilet and a voice came from the next cubicle "hello mate, how you doing?" I thought it's a bit strange but didn't want to be rude, so I said "not to bad thanks" after a short pause I heard the voice again "so what are you up to?" I answered somewhat reluctantly "just having a sh!t how about yourself" Then I heard him say "sorry mate I'll have to call you back.Iv'e got some tw@t in the next cubicle answring every question I say".[I]

by **Dinger** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 7:01 pm

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.

by **bunglemark2** » Fri Jan 22, 2010 11:04 pm

Greavesie wrote:I know how them poor people in Hatai feel, the last time I had 30 aftershocks I couldn't find my fecking house neither!

is it too early for these or should I wait for the dust to settle?

That's not a very nice thing to say....mate, i'm disappointed in you :no

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