THE MORNING AFTER THE OFFICE PARTY
Jack wakes up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.
He doesn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggles into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummets as he wonders what the hell he did last night.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sits up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. He stumbles to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, sees that he has a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.
As he concentrates hard on getting the world into focus, he sees a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. xxx '
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenage son is sitting at the table, eating.
Jack, bracing himself, asks his son what happened the previous night.
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '
Confused, he asks his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20 pence
Saying the right thing, at the right time ...... PRICELESS
Jokes thread - Post your funniest jokes here
by Redman in wales » Wed Feb 17, 2010 3:53 pm
Classic Tommy Cooper
Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - '....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' Don't you start.'
Two elephants walk off a cliff....boom, boom!
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, Or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - '....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' Don't you start.'
Two elephants walk off a cliff....boom, boom!
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, Or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
-
Redman in wales - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 4342
- Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2006 12:02 pm
- Location: Oxford
by Reg » Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:48 pm
One of the best............
I went to B&Q recently
while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one.
You see,
the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed
a massive quantity
of my patented
"you're definitely
going to s**t yourself
roadkill chili."
Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point
of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it,
the next day both
of your butt cheeks
WILL fall off.
Here's the thing.
I had awakened that morning,
and even after two cups of coffee
(and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened..
No 'Watson's Movement 2'.
Despite habanera peppers
swimming their way
through my intestinal tract,
I was unable to create
the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife
as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time
of reckoning
HAD to come,
yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off
for the Home Depot,
my quest being paint
and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store
at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at
the opposite end of the store
from the restrooms
that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me
like you don't know
what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that
'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain
that always seems
to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is,
this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili
from the night before
were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom
they bullied their way through
the small intestines,
forcing their way
into the large intestines,
and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms
which would bring sweet relief,
it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood,
alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud
the likes of which has never before
been recorded.
I was afraid to move
for fear that more
of this vile odor
might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly,
the pressure seemed to leave
the lower part of my body,
and I began to move
up the aisle and out of it,
just as a red aproned clerk
turned the corner
and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it,
but I stopped to see
what his reaction would be
to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been
torn in two different directions
emotionally?
Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk,
but didn't.
I simply watched
as he walked into
an invisible,
and apparently indestructible,
wall of odor so terrible
that all he could do
before gathering his senses
and running,
was to stand there blinking
and waving his arms
about his head
as though trying to ward
off angry bees.
This, of course,
made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh....
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing.
When you laugh,
it's hard to keep things
'clamped down',
if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw
an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told
a few folks in other aisles
had ducked,
fearing that someone
was robbing the store
and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.
'It' was coming,
and I raced off
through the store
towards the restrooms,
laying down a cloud
the whole way,
praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion
took place.
Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time
I got to the john,
began the inevitable
'Oh my God',
floating above the toilet seat
because my
is burning
SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in
while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning
of 'Shock and Awe'.
He made a gagging sound,
and disgustedly said,
'Sonofabitch!,
did it smell that bad
when you ate it?',
then quickly left.
Once finished, I left the restroom,
reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on
with my shopping
when a store employee
approached me and said,
'Sir, you might want to step outside
for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster
set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans
on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care
of the problem.'
My smirking of course
set me off again,
causing residual gases
to escape me.
The employee took one sniff,
jumped back
pulling his shirt up
to cover his nose
and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later
with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted
from the premises
and asked none too kindly
not to return.
Home again without my supplies,
I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili,
so I consumed two more bowls...
The next day
I went to shop at MFI.
I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court
over the whole matter.
I went to B&Q recently
while not being altogether sure
that course of action was a wise one.
You see,
the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed
a massive quantity
of my patented
"you're definitely
going to s**t yourself
roadkill chili."
Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point
of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it,
the next day both
of your butt cheeks
WILL fall off.
Here's the thing.
I had awakened that morning,
and even after two cups of coffee
(and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened..
No 'Watson's Movement 2'.
Despite habanera peppers
swimming their way
through my intestinal tract,
I was unable to create
the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife
as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time
of reckoning
HAD to come,
yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off
for the Home Depot,
my quest being paint
and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store
at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at
the opposite end of the store
from the restrooms
that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me
like you don't know
what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that
'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain
that always seems
to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is,
this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili
from the night before
were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom
they bullied their way through
the small intestines,
forcing their way
into the large intestines,
and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms
which would bring sweet relief,
it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood,
alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud
the likes of which has never before
been recorded.
I was afraid to move
for fear that more
of this vile odor
might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly,
the pressure seemed to leave
the lower part of my body,
and I began to move
up the aisle and out of it,
just as a red aproned clerk
turned the corner
and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it,
but I stopped to see
what his reaction would be
to the malodorous effluvium
that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been
torn in two different directions
emotionally?
Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk,
but didn't.
I simply watched
as he walked into
an invisible,
and apparently indestructible,
wall of odor so terrible
that all he could do
before gathering his senses
and running,
was to stand there blinking
and waving his arms
about his head
as though trying to ward
off angry bees.
This, of course,
made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh....
.......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing.
When you laugh,
it's hard to keep things
'clamped down',
if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw
an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told
a few folks in other aisles
had ducked,
fearing that someone
was robbing the store
and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.
'It' was coming,
and I raced off
through the store
towards the restrooms,
laying down a cloud
the whole way,
praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion
took place.
Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time
I got to the john,
began the inevitable
'Oh my God',
floating above the toilet seat
because my
is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in
while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning
of 'Shock and Awe'.
He made a gagging sound,
and disgustedly said,
'Sonofabitch!,
did it smell that bad
when you ate it?',
then quickly left.
Once finished, I left the restroom,
reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on
with my shopping
when a store employee
approached me and said,
'Sir, you might want to step outside
for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster
set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans
on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care
of the problem.'
My smirking of course
set me off again,
causing residual gases
to escape me.
The employee took one sniff,
jumped back
pulling his shirt up
to cover his nose
and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later
with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted
from the premises
and asked none too kindly
not to return.
Home again without my supplies,
I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili,
so I consumed two more bowls...
The next day
I went to shop at MFI.
I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court
over the whole matter.
-
Reg - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 13718
- Joined: Sat May 20, 2006 12:24 am
- Location: Singapore
by havefreak » Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:31 pm
dawson99 wrote:An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"
The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why do you ask, do you think they
look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"
Hillarious man! I always thought the same way about my neighbour the cow lol
- havefreak
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:01 am
- Location: Denmark
by roberto green » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:31 pm
An Irishman, A Scottish fella and an English fella are sat in the pub talking about their sons.
English fella says "I named my son George after St George"
Scottish fella says"I'm patriotic too I Named mine Andrew after St Andrew"
in which the Irish man says "I can't wait to tell my son Pancake"
English fella says "I named my son George after St George"
Scottish fella says"I'm patriotic too I Named mine Andrew after St Andrew"
in which the Irish man says "I can't wait to tell my son Pancake"
-
roberto green - Posts: 3849
- Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:47 pm
- Location: bootle
by roberto green » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:35 pm
made in UK wrote:hubby says to wife "do you fancy playing the rape game?"
wife says "no!"
hubby says "thats the spirit!"
My Valentines day was no disappointment,I used my usual line that never fails to disappoint
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got a knife
So get in the
in van-
roberto green - Posts: 3849
- Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:47 pm
- Location: bootle
by roberto green » Wed Feb 24, 2010 3:45 pm
The death of a men s Luger from the Republic of Georgia has cast doubt over Ireland's Luge teams representation.According to the team they will quit unless the committee through Salting gravel on the bends
-
roberto green - Posts: 3849
- Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:47 pm
- Location: bootle
by bunglemark2 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 4:18 pm
roberto green wrote:The death of a men s Luger from the Republic of Georgia has cast doubt over Ireland's Luge teams representation.According to the team they will quit unless the committee through Salting gravel on the bends
Well, I reckon it's laugh a minute when you're about isn't it....
Work on your delivery mate - it sucks....
http://s2.tinypic.com/30ldif7_th.jpg
See yooo, Judas. Yoo're gettin' on mah titz !
See yooo, Judas. Yoo're gettin' on mah titz !
-
bunglemark2 - Posts: 7473
- Joined: Mon Feb 06, 2006 4:05 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
by roberto green » Wed Feb 24, 2010 5:15 pm
roberto green wrote:The death of a men s Luger from the Republic of Georgia has cast doubt over Ireland's Luge teams representation.According to the team they will quit unless the Olympic committee throw Salting gravel on the bends .
Sorry throw not through
-
roberto green - Posts: 3849
- Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:47 pm
- Location: bootle
by RED BEERGOGGLES » Wed Feb 24, 2010 8:54 pm
Inter Milan s Diego Militos wife is filing for a divorce after seeing televised coverage of him fu*king John Terry 
Last edited by RED BEERGOGGLES on Wed Feb 24, 2010 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
RED BEERGOGGLES - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 8297
- Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2004 11:03 pm
- Location: Liverpool
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