Liverpool FC Forum

[stmichael]

New song for Robin Van Persie.

To the tune of "Rewind" by Craig David

"Van Per-sie, when the girl says no, molest her!"

   

[RedRoots]

A man walks down the road with a banana in his ear, and a man walks past him. Startled, he shouts to the man, 'Oi, you've got a banana in your ear!' The man turns around and takes the banana out and says, 'Sorry mate, I couldn't hear you, I had a banana in my ear!'

I'm Irish so I shouldn't really find this funny, but I just replace Micks name with Gary Neville and all is well.

Paddy, Mick and Murphy are working down the mine. Paddyk decides to play a prank on Mick, and so, holding his hand up a gainst the rockface, says "'ere, Mick. Oi betcha can't punch moi hand." So Mick takes a big swing and at the last moment Paddy pulls his hand away. Micks fist crumples into the rockface. Holding his shattered hand, Mick says, "Ow, that's a good one. Oi think Oi'll go troy it on Murphy." So he wanders over to Murphy, puts his hand in front of his face and says "'Ere, Murphy. Betcha can't hit me hand with that shovel..."

[Lando_Griffin]

Sky Sports News;
"Everton F.C. have today been announced as the most supported club in world football."

Now THATS a f*cking joke!

[Judge]

What's the difference between a Bra and Everton?

A Bra has more cups and better support and you can only get two tits in a bra you get 30,000 at Everton.
---------------------------------------------
 

i like it     

[anfieldadorer]

voyage to the bottom of the group
mu-benfica

[The Red Baron]

whats black and yellow and hangs from a minge

A Netto bag.

[Woollyback]

what's red, yellow and full of sh!t?

an aldi bag

[kazza 1]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the dummy out of his @ss"

[kazza 1]

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring." The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo." The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

[Judge]

a gypsy walks into a job centre and tells the assistant he's desperate for a job.....................the assistant replies ''thats fortunate we have just got one in for a chauffeur, to do regular runs for a multimillionaires 2 nympho daughters on trips overseas with a salary of 200K a year''

the gypsy replies ''your bullshitting me''.................to which the assistant replies ''well you fucking started it''

[Lionheart]

Oldies but goodies

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV and Radio:

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."


Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."


Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."


Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."


'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."


Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."


Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."


Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"


Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."


The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."


Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."


Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them
.. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"


Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 ?
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."


Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator ?
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."


New Zealand Rugby Commentator ?
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."


Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator ?
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[Lionheart]

How to Call the Police

George Phillips of  Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.  George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed. The officer asked, "Has someone entered your house?" George said no. The officer replied that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my  shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.  Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.  Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

-------------- (True Story)

[dawson99]

what happens when frogs park illegally?
they get toad

(courtesy of loaded)

[dawson99]

ok...here u go

[dawson99]

one more?