Liverpool FC Forum

[Mikz]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined
  whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
 
"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a room with or without a view?"

[stmichael]

An eskimo's car breaks down and a new zealander stops to help. He tells the Eskimo the problem is you've blown a seal. The eskimo replies, so what, you f@ck sheep.

no offence ment to any kiwi's, especially lfc#1. 

[Garymac]

Old one but Big Brother related

"Michael barrymore has been signed up by the BBC to star in his own sit-com, its to be called Only Pools and Corpses"

 

Apologise in advance to anyone whos lost someone involved in a drink and drugs fulled anal fisting party in a swimming pool in a celebritys house

[drummerphil]

voyage to the bottom of the group
mu-benfica

only just noticed this.......had me laughing anyway 

[andy_g]

the funniest blonde joke in the world... ever

[babu]

the funniest blonde joke in the world... ever

you're a real bastard mate !!     



      

[andy_g]

the funniest blonde joke in the world... ever

you're a real bastard mate !!     



      

 

[Roger Red Hat]

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[stmichael]

After a few short weeks married, Elton John has already filed for divorce.

He found out his husband was having sex behind his back.

[dawson99]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....



A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[stmichael]

Michael Jackson is awaiting his next court case - which is around four hours away. He turns to his solicitor and proclaims:

"I'm bored, go out and get a DVD, for us."

"Alright, I'll bring Aladin."

"Come on mate, I'm in enough f#cking trouble as it is." Says Wacko.

[dawson99]

“So, this snail is standing in front of the Cadillac salesman, see, and he looks up at the salesman, and he says, ‘How much is that Cadillac?’…The snail says, ‘I want a big “S” put on each door – a big “S.” And on top of the car, I want another big “S” so everybody can see it.’ And then the salesman says, ‘Well, what do you want that for?’ The snail goes, ‘Well, you see, when I drive down the avenue, I want everybody to say, ‘Look at that ‘S’ car go.’”

[2520years]

At the Restaurant A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
At the end of the meal the waitress comes with the bill and says, "That will be £22.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[2520years]

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "SAND!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated....
"What have you there?"
"Sand"
"We want to examine."
Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything. What were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, "Bicycles."

[2520years]

30 reasons why it's great to be a guy.

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - £2000; tux rental - £65.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.