Liverpool FC Forum

by **Dundalk** » Mon Sep 14, 2009 9:24 pm

Whats a specimen?

An Italian Astronaught.

by **Kharhaz** » Wed Sep 16, 2009 11:34 pm

Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr.. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no bloody way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

:wwww

by **Dundalk** » Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:02 am

by **redbeergoggles** » Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:44 am

Irish couple in bed ,Mary turns to Paddy and says "Jesus Paddy will you not shut that neighbours bloody dog up ,he's barking like mad " Paddy leaves promising to rectify the situation ,on returning Mary says" Paddy its still barking what did you say ", Paddy replies" nothing I put the B@stard in our garden see how them f*ckers like it .

by **stmichael** » Thu Sep 17, 2009 11:05 am

Just read the headline on Sky News: "Police Launch Sting on Paedophile Gang"

What a bunch of ar$eholes. No wonder he went solo.

by **olla86** » Fri Sep 25, 2009 3:19 pm

Before marriage:
She : Hi
He : Oh, I've been waiting this ...
She : You want me to go ?
He : no, Not at all
She : do you love me ?
He : of course, big time
She : you picked the wrong woman ??
He : no, why do you say that ?
She : you wanna kiss me ?
He : every time I see you !!
She : you wanna slap me ??
He : are you crazy ? never
She : can I trust you ?
He : yes
She : My love
...
after marriage
Read the same text upwards

by **crazzycat** » Mon Sep 28, 2009 2:54 pm

cruel joke, but very creative!

by **Kharhaz** » Sat Oct 03, 2009 12:17 am

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if shewould even just come down and talk to me. ' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!'He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -'Come on guys, we're almost there!'

by **j-max** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 2:54 am

dawson99 wrote:An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"
The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why do you ask, do you think they
look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"

lol good one :buttrock

by **dawson99** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 4:10 pm

thank you for laughing, 3 and a half years on

by **Roger Red Hat** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 4:22 pm

Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, 'Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'

'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'

Ray asks bewildered, 'Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a$$ is for.'

by **dawson99** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 4:29 pm

what do only 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

(sorry, can't put the answer, i'd get banned)

heres one instead:

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a
knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is
standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate,
you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in
his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he
opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake
pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You
sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he
shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've
got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his
face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the
afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door,
there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his
nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large
trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper
completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at
him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man
looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not
Nissan Maindealer?"

by **dawson99** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 4:30 pm

went into a shoe shop tried on the shoes and told the man they were too tight

"try them with the toungue out sir"

nope spill too toiut i lisped

by **NANNY RED** » Sun Nov 08, 2009 7:03 pm

Best fecking joke ive heard in ages

Rafa Benitez is walking down the touchline, a woman ask him to sign her boobs, so he signs her boobs.. further down the line, another woman opens her legs and asks him to sign, Rafa' replies "Sorry, its Fergie that signs all the cu.nts".

by **Greavesie** » Sun Nov 08, 2009 7:29 pm

dawson99 wrote:what do only 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

(sorry, can't put the answer, i'd get banned)

heres one instead:

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a
knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is
standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate,
you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in
his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he
opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake
pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You
sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he
shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've
got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his
face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the
afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door,
there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his
nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large
trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper
completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at
him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man
looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not
Nissan Maindealer?"

I know the answer to the top one

20000 posts then disappears

Thats class nanny, I'm gonna have to text that to a few people

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