Liverpool FC Forum

by **shakey** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 1:47 pm

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some
see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from
£50 to £150 in price, the more see-through,
the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150
and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.'

'It's so see-through that it might as well be
nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling
naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150
refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs
and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that
creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

by **Greavesie** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:24 pm

A son asks his Dad the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'. Dad says, thats hard, but I'll give it a go.Ask mam if she'd sleep with the milkman for £1 million, she says yes. Dad says now ask your sister if she'd sleep with the coalman for £2 million, she says yes. Dad says, well there you go then thats your answer, theoretically we're sitting on £3 million but realistically we're living with two sl@gs

by **redhayesy** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:31 pm

a jewish man walks into ASDA goes up to the meat counter & slaps his circumcised c0ck on the counter & says "i bet you can't roll that back"

by **redhayesy** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:56 pm

what's the difference between jam & marmalade? you can't marmalade your c0ck up your girlfriend's @rse!

by **redhayesy** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:04 pm

two women on their way back from a night out,stop in a graveyard for a p1ss. one wipes her f@nny with her knickers, & the other one uses a wreath. their two husbands were in the pub the next day. one say's "i'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no nickers on" the other man says, "that's feck all, mine had a card wedged in her @rse saying, we"ll never forget you. from all the boys at the firestation!!!

by **shakey** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:54 pm

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for sixty years. So she went to the Wailing Wall to check it out and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Morris Fishbein,' he replied.

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'

'And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?

'Like I'm talking to a f**** n' brick wall.

by **shakey** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:55 pm

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.
For example, my regular family doctor referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said, . . . . . . . . . .

"Because I'm trying to examine you

by **shakey** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:56 pm

A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Paddy and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller"? asked Paddy.

The woman signaled "No!", desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.

The woman shook her head, No!

With that, Paddy walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her :censored:

.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Paddy swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of
his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Paddy, I'd heard
of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I
ever seen somebody do it."

by **shakey** » Tue Mar 03, 2009 2:01 pm

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that
the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he
had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more
than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit
into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four
hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the
saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was
eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000
gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less
knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh
told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into
the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your f*cking bills.

by **Dundalk** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:07 pm

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

by **Dundalk** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:07 pm

Apparently people in Dubai dont like the Flintstones.

...but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by **GRAHAM01** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:51 pm

omfg

by **aCe'** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:53 pm

Dundalk wrote:Apparently people in Dubai dont like the Flintstones.

...but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by **Redman in wales** » Fri Mar 13, 2009 10:26 pm

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! For emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

by **daxy1** » Thu Apr 02, 2009 3:15 pm

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he

noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby

cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50

feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single

file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the

man

walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may

be

a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

"My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife

when

the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'You'll have to get in line'

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