Jokes thread - Post your funniest jokes here

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Postby daxy1 » Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:13 pm

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high
and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out
a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the
bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, Which he places in
front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out
a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one Wish... Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed By
another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!


The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's'
a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No kidding!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist..? ????"
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Postby Judge » Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:14 pm

Greavesie wrote:Paddy and 5 Englishmen are in a police lineup for a suspected rape case.
The victim walks in
Paddy jumps forward and shouts 'Thats her'!

thought dundalk would like that, as he's paddy

:D
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Postby Dundalk » Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:20 pm

Guilty as charged
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Postby Judge » Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:20 pm

Dundalk wrote:Guilty as charged

:D
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Postby daxy1 » Fri Dec 19, 2008 9:54 am

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough  pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at  the  bar. The builders start to speculate about the occupation of the 'suit'. 

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! 

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the  better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees  that the suit is  standing at a urinal.  Curiosity and the several beers get the better of  the builder. 

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? 

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil:- Oh! What's that then? 

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a  goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond! 

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to  suppose that you have a large garden  then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then  it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a  large garden then you have  a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house, built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to  assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite  probably married? 

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three young children. 

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with  your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! 

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very  often? 

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about  your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks  mate! 

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil:  - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a :censored:.
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Postby shakey » Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:38 pm

A man checks into an hotel in Bournemouth on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line"
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Postby shakey » Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:18 pm

Tony Harts funeral has been pencilled  in for Monday :oh:
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Postby Judge » Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:44 pm

shakey wrote:A man checks into an hotel in Bournemouth on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line"

:D

didnt know you knew about bam and his lonely holidays in bournemouth  :D
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Postby shakey » Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:48 pm

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. 'F***ING HELL!' he
screams........'Where's my Rolex? ???...'
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Postby shakey » Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:48 pm

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
'Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'

The priest tells the sinner,
'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the priest asks,
'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies

'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.

'The next morning in ch urch, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart,
Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,

'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies,
'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'
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Postby shakey » Fri Jan 23, 2009 2:49 pm

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time."
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Postby Madmax » Fri Jan 23, 2009 7:09 pm

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea

Q: What do you call a Man Utd season ticket holder?
A: Scenery...


Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What's the difference between listening to Alex Ferguson's after-match interview and childbirth?
A: One's an extremely painful almost unbearable experience, and the other one's just having a baby.

Q: What have Man Utd and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They're both bugger-all use in Europe.

Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
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Postby shakey » Fri Jan 23, 2009 9:59 pm

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
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Postby Redman in wales » Sat Jan 24, 2009 2:30 pm

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I until you shone that light on her face.
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Postby daxy1 » Mon Jan 26, 2009 5:53 pm

A man was sitting in the bar in departures at Gatwick airport. A
beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. So he
decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly
and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line..
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the
hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines
motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face........



' Ryanair ' ..
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