Liverpool FC Forum

[Roger Red Hat]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of Carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same village.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by The whole family who all congratulated him on his retirement, thanked him for his years of service, and sent him on his way with a gift token for £100.

The second house gave him a case of fine 20 year old Scotch whisky.

The people in the third house gave him a wonderful fishing rod complete with all reels and tackle.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, brought him in, closed the door and gently led him upstairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making that he had ever experienced.

When he couldn't take any more, she went downstairs and prepared him a Giant breakfast of sausages, eggs and bacon and a cup of freshly-brewed tea. She brought the whole lot up to the bedroom and served him breakfast in bed.

After he had eaten, she poured him a cup of fresh coffee. While she was pouring he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

"All this was too wonderful for words", he said " but what's the Fiver for?" "Well", she said, "last night I told my husband that today was your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you"

He said, 'F **k him. Give him a fiver.'

"The breakfast was my idea.

[hawkmoon269]

[Judge]

a man says to an ugly lady in the street ''how old are your twins?''

the women replies ''the girl is 12 and the boy is 7, and why do you think they are twins?''

the man says ''because i cant believe someone would fuck you twice''

[mitch22]

David Blunkett resigns........ apparantley he couldnt see it coming.

[DrTNT]

Two Irishmen go into a pet shop.
"We'll be havin' four of dem dare budgerigars!" says Seamus.

"Dat's right!" says Paddy, "Dose four dare, dey look nice 'n fit!"

So the petshop owner puts the four budgies in a little box and Seamus and Paddy set off in their van.
"Oi've bin lookin' forward to doin' dis ALL week," said Seamus, very excitedly.

"Me too!" agrees Paddy, "Me too!"

Eventually they get to the top of a huge cliff and Seamus parks the van.

"Say, dis looks a grand place!" says Seamus.

"It does dat!" agrees Paddy, looking down the 1000ft drop. "Well, dis is it!" Seamus shouts in excitement, as he takes two of the little budgies out of the box, places one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Seamus plummets all the way to the bottom, where he crashes to the ground, stone dead.

"Fook that for a game......" says Paddy with a frown, peering over the edge and shaking his head. "Dis budgie jumping looks too fookin' dangerous to me....."

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL......
Just as Paddy turns to go, Gerry turns up with another box.

"Hey Paddy!" shouts Gerry, "I've always wanted to troy dis! Watch!! "

With that, he takes a chicken out of the box, holds onto it's legs and he too jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry goes crashing to the
ground, where he lies next to Seamus, stone dead.

"Fook that too....." says Paddy sadly, "Oi don't reckon dat hengliding is all it's cracked up to be either......"

AND THEN.......

Murphy turns up. He also has a box.

"Hey Paddy!" he calls, "D'ya want to see what oi've got here?" Paddy peers inside the box to find a large green parrot.

"Now Murphy, yer not about to troy gliding or jumping wi dat dare ting,now are you?"

"Corse not!" says Murphy producing a large shot gun. "D'ya tink oi'm stupid Paddy? Now see here!"

With that he throws the parrot off the cliff and runs off the edge of the cliff after it, firing at it with his shotgun!

Moments later, he too lies dead on the ground, next to Seamus and Gerry.

"Fook dat......" says Paddy. "First Seamus wid his budgie jumpin, den Gerry wid his hengliding



and now Murphy wid his fookin parrotshooting!

[anfieldadorer]

What do you call a fish with no eyes
a F...SH!

Q: what do you do to a hot girl inside a room that has no 'key'

A: fuc her

this must be the worst joke, so far 

[mitch22]

so i went the doctors with a piece of bacon round me neck

Doctor: " ahaha i see you have a rash"

[DrTNT]

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down ..."

[Daire]

Why would it be sent to NASA?

Anyway: Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful?











One is against the law and the other is a sick bird

[Daire]

Charges against C.Ronaldo have been dropped!It seemed he dribbled for a while but couldn't get into the box!

[LFC #1]

Sorry people, these ones are very bad taste.

Q: Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?






























A: Christopher Reeves after a house fire





Q: What's 12 inches long, and makes a woman scream all night?


















































A: Cot-death

[Lando_Griffin]

LFC#1 - you are one sick b*stard!!!!

[LFC #1]

not my jokes mate. One of my mates has tonnes of jokes liek that, he trawls the net looking for them.

[Lando_Griffin]

Would your "mate" happen to be called "LFC#1" by any chance!?!

[LFC #1]

ahh... No