Liverpool FC Forum

[kopper]

This one is for Dom1

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when he challenged the judge's decision in his custody case. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge decided to award custody to the boy's Aunt. The boy objected stating that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and he would refuse to live there. The judge then awarded custody to the boy's Grandparents but the boy objected again stating that his Grandparents beat him more than anyone. Eventually the judge decided to let the boy decide where he wanted to live. So custody was awarded to Everton Football Club as the boy believed they weren't capable of beating anyone!

 

[kopper]

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner...supposidly

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a
list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa?
(USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca
is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...
oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in
Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[BUGGERLUGGZ]

what a good read mate i was laughing my balls off!!

[116-1065305004]

LOL good one about Everton Kopper!

[kopper]

what a good read mate i was laughing my balls off!!

Sorry m8, that wasn't my intention. No man deserves to loose his jewels.

[kopper]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[kopper]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[Dom1]

too many jokes cant be arsed reading all of them, good one about the everton fan though (must admit)

Dom1

P.s. heres a little one from me....

Harry and Bob were sitting next to the lake fishing minding there own business, when a crocidile swam past with a guys head in its mouth, Bob said to Harry "look at that posh tw*t with a lacoste sleeping bag!!"

[kopper]

cool dom.

[right side man]

EAT ME ......... FOOLS  

STICK THIS GRAPE UP URE GRAPE PASSAGEWAY..........  

[kopper]

Yeh, and you stick this pinapple up your whee hole.

[Judge]

scientists have recently suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test this finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of lager each. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men Gained weight, Talked excessively without making sense, Became overly emotional, Couldnt drive, Failed to think rationally, Argued over nothing and Refused to apologise when wrong.
Scientists say NO further testing is planned





(source nuts 2005)

[hawkmoon269]

Funny Log book entries



(P) = Pilot's entry
(E) = Engineer's entry

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) # 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.

(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

(P) #2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.

(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.

(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.

[Chrissy]

3 Blondes walks into a bar. You would have thought one of them would've noticed. 

[112-1077774096]

A duck walked into a bar and approached the barman.

'Got any bread?' the duck asked,

'I'm sorry,' replied the barman, 'We don't sell bread.'

The duck looked at his feet dissapointedly, before asking, 'Got any bread?'

'No, we haven't,' said the barman, a little confused.

'Erm, got any bread?' repeated the duck.

The Barman began to get a little annoyed. 'No!'

'Oh... Have you got any bread?'

'Look. It's a bar, we serve alcohol, we don't sell bread.'

'I see,' said the duck 'Got any bread?'

'For Christ sake, We don't sell bread!'

'Aah, right... Got any bread?'

'That's it,' shouted the barman, 'If you ask me that once more I'm gonna nail your ****** beak to the bar!'

To which the duck replied, 'Got any nails?'

'NO!'

'Well... Got any bread?'