Liverpool FC Forum

[Feeney]

Why don't fairies get pregnant?

Cause they only go to goblin parties

[Feeney]

a girl walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one. 

[kazza 1]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[kazza 1]

A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
“That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
“What do you have there?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”


Sorry to all those blonds on here!!!

[kazza 1]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[kazza 1]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[66-1112520797]

Q Why did the chicken cross the road ?


























































A. To get to the other side 

[66-1112520797]

Two cows standing in a field one went moooooo  the other said I was about to say that.

[kazza 1]

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream.

"What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"



Sorry chums, just had to get them out of my system! What with driving all day I hear loads of bad jokes!! Hope you enjoyed them!!

[Feeney]

2 parrots are sitting on a pirch and one says to the other "Do you smell fish?"

[stoney]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Fuck

Fuck who......?


Fuck you!

LFC1 you . You stole that one from me. 

[Judge]

3 men in a sauna (american, jap and irish guy), they hear a bleeping sound!

the american pressed his arm and the bleep stopped. Sorry he says, that was my pager, i have a microchip in my arm.

A phone rings, the japanese man puts his palm to his ear. Sorry he says, i have a phone microchip in my hand.

Now the Irish man not to be out done, goes to the toilet, and comes back with toilet paper hanging from his arse.

The others stared at him!!

the irish guy says '' ah be jaysus, will you look at that, i'm getting a fax''




(that was told to me by an irish friend of mine)

[wrighty (not mark!)]

Why did the chicken go to the toilet?











Cos that's where all the c.ocks hang out!

[mitch22]

What do you call a fish with no eyes
a F...SH!


Heard about the blonde who missed the number 22 bus?
She got the 11 twice

Whats pink and Fluffy
Pink Fluff

Whats pink fluffy and blue
pink fluff holding its breath

Heard About the blonde who stared at an orange juice carton for hours?
it said concentrate on the box

[stoney]

your mummas so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck 

your mummas so fat, when she gets on the scales it says.... to be contunued