Liverpool FC Forum

by **shakey** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 9:32 pm

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally
slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment! My eyes lit up
and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my
lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

by **shakey** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 9:32 pm

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'

by **shakey** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 9:34 pm

Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads.'

by **shakey** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 9:35 pm

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.

Try Saying:
I think you could
do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a
f***ing clue, do you?

2.

Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy
b*tch

3.

Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect
me to do this?

4.

Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole

5.

Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with
a telegraph pole

6.

Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.

Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem .

8.

Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.

Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.

Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll
try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell
me that yesterday?

11.

Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the
issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing
a*se.

12.

Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.

Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays
anyway.

by **shakey** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 9:36 pm

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

by **shakey** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 9:37 pm

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

by **daxy1** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 11:10 pm

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
# 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party.'

by **daxy1** » Fri Oct 31, 2008 11:13 pm

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden.
That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie

by **burjennio** » Sun Nov 02, 2008 7:05 pm

why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?

for drizzle

by **shakey** » Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:19 pm

THE STORK

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think your getting your birds mixed up
'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a :censored:

at the beach.!!!

by **shakey** » Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:20 pm

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 80 k/h. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that :censored:

?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped
fishing!

by **Dundalk** » Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:17 pm

A man goes into the doctor and says i cant pronounce my Ss Fs Ts and Hs.

The doctor says ah well Ya Cant Say Fairer Than That!! :wwww

by **shakey** » Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:44 pm

Mother to young son, "stay away from girls my boy, and never put your hand up their skirt, they have teeth down there and will bite you!"

Some years later, his first girlfriend is keen for him to touch her down below.
"I'm not doing that" he cried, "you've got teeth down there and will bite me!"

Attempting to persuade him otherwise, the girl lifts her dress, and says "look, no teeth"

The lad replies, "I'm not surprised, look at the state of your gums!!"

by **Dundalk** » Tue Nov 18, 2008 8:18 pm

I recently broke up with my girlfriend and i was quite upset.

My friend said, "Don't worry mate, there's plenty more fish in the sea."

I replied, "Yeah, but its not just the smell I miss."

:oh:

by **tubby** » Tue Nov 18, 2008 9:40 pm

shakey wrote:Mother to young son, "stay away from girls my boy, and never put your hand up their skirt, they have teeth down there and will bite you!"

Some years later, his first girlfriend is keen for him to touch her down below.
"I'm not doing that" he cried, "you've got teeth down there and will bite me!"

Attempting to persuade him otherwise, the girl lifts her dress, and says "look, no teeth"

The lad replies, "I'm not surprised, look at the state of your gums!!"

There is actually a film about this very thing called - Teeth.

Rubbish film but funny.

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