Liverpool FC Forum

by **zarababe** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 2:22 pm

NEWCASTLE UTD !

by **GRAHAM01** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 3:01 pm

zarababe wrote:NEWCASTLE UTD !

that's the best one on here

by **dawson99** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:22 pm

The Beckhams have invited Gary Glitter to stay on their yacht until the heat dies down.

Gary says he cant wait to come on their little Cruz

Gary Glitter has been arrested by the fashion police

He wanted to put a little thai around his c.ock

by **andy_g** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:39 pm

dawson99 wrote:The Beckhams have invited Gary Glitter to stay on their yacht until the heat dies down.

Gary says he cant wait to come on their little Cruz

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:40 am

I think this has been posted before but still makes me laugh :-

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
Sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed
With second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
In, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
Electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
For him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his
Condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

by **shakey** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:17 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FLOWERS FOR THE REDHEAD

> Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
> street and
> pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend
> buying her
> flowers.
>
> The Redhead sighs and says: 'Oh :censored:

, my boy friend is
> buying me
> flowers again.'
>
> The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'You
> don't like
> getting flowers from your boyfriend?'
>
> The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he
> always has
> expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't
> feel like
> spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the
> air.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The blonde says: ........'Don't you have a
> vase?'
___

by **shakey** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:17 pm

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this wor ld a happy man?

He threw himself towards the tab le, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"BACK off!" she said.
"Those are for the funeral."

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:23 pm

pmsl at the flowers one :laugh:

by **dawson99** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:21 pm

two 90 year olds have been dating a while and decide to have sex. as they lay faterwoods the man thinks to himself 'my god, if id known earlier she was a virgin i would have been a lot mroe gentle' the woman lay there thinking 'my god, if i knew the old boy could have gotten it up i would have taken my tights off

night all

by **Kharhaz** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:53 pm

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for His new ears.'

by **zarababe** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:23 am

Armed masked robbers enter a crowded Pub and ask everyone to empty their pockets, whilst the publican empties the till. One of the raiders mask falls down to reveal his face - turning to the nearest guy he asks " did u see my face" - "Yes" replies the guy - 'Pow' the robber guns him down.

He turns to the next guy and asks "did u see my face" - "no" replies the guy " but the wife did"

by **Yessicajax** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 12:45 am

ok i dunno if you guys already know this one..but i thought it was funny.

right there was a kid sitting on his stairs with his cat and some smarties
he put a smartie in his mouth then he bit the cat and then moved down a step
then he did it again put a smartie in his mouth then bit the cat then moved down a step
his mum was at the bottom of the stairs watching him do this so she asked "what are you doing "
the little boy said im getting practise for when im older
popping pills eating pussy and then moveing on !!!!!

by **shakey** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:01 am

Kharhaz wrote:A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for His new ears.'

PMLS

by **RedBen** » Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:56 pm

I don't know if images count as jokes, but I didn't find another thread so...

by **stmichael** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:53 pm

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

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