Liverpool FC Forum

[Toffeehater]

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”.

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[Toffeehater]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Good one , simple and original 

[Judge]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

ive actually said that 

[7_Kewell]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky."

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[shakey]

Ronaldo leaves the scum lol

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9RsQg1dnwiY

[kalos]

Mary had a little lamb.........
















..and the Midwife was treated for shock......

[Kharhaz]

GORDON AND THE DONKEY

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer
drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on
my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already.

Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.



The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"



Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you
watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."



A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened

with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and
made a huge, fat profit!!"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey
being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize.
So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as
you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great
guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from
the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money,
most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to
play fair and do something for the everyday people of the
country for once in his life, think again my friend, because you'll be
better off flogging a dead donkey.


Funny in a way, when you think about it. Other countries must be p!ssing themselves laughing at us...

[Dundalk]

A big Black Chelsea prostitute has got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on each thigh. She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are I'll give you a free shag He looks to the left and then to the right and finally says "I dunno who those ugly b*stards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips".

[andy_g]

i'm trying really hard not to laugh at that...




...oh, fuck it

[66-1112520797]

A big Black Chelsea prostitute has got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on each thigh. She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are I'll give you a free shag He looks to the left and then to the right and finally says "I dunno who those ugly b*stards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips".

[ConnO'var]

A big Black Chelsea prostitute has got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on each thigh. She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are I'll give you a free shag He looks to the left and then to the right and finally says "I dunno who those ugly b*stards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips".

   

[Judge]

A big Black Chelsea prostitute has got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on each thigh. She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are I'll give you a free shag He looks to the left and then to the right and finally says "I dunno who those ugly b*stards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips".

   

   

[Judge]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze.
>
> When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big job, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'
>
> Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.
>
> Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
>
> 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'
>
> The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
>
> 'Moses,' replied the bird.
>
> 'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
>
> The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus!'

[Kharhaz]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a 3 storey warehouse?

Or about the the man who spent all his life worshipping santa?

[daxy1]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence The Priest said,

"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as
you 
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."



Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest
said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
You 
can speak two words."



Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."



"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you
a better
bed."




After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.



"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her
that 
the food would be better in the future.



On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister 
Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."



"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.



"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done
f*ck all but moan

since you've been here."