Liverpool FC Forum

by **Toffeehater** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:12 pm

Dundalk wrote:A big Black Chelsea prostitute has got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on each thigh. She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are I'll give you a free shag He looks to the left and then to the right and finally says "I dunno who those ugly b*stards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips".

by **Number 9** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:21 pm

THE CREATION OF A VAGINA!!

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine created a pussy to their design!
First was a butcher smart with wit,using a knife he gave it a slit!
Second was a carpenter strong and bold,with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole!
Third was a tailor tall and thin,by using red velvet he lined it within!
Fourth was a hunter short and stout,with a piece of fox fur he lined it without!
Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell,he threw in a fish and gave it a smell!
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee!
Last came a sailor a dirty little runt,he sucked it and licked it and called it a c'unt!

by **daxy1** » Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:24 pm

Number 9 wrote:THE CREATION OF A VAGINA!!

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine created a pussy to their design!
First was a butcher smart with wit,using a knife he gave it a slit!
Second was a carpenter strong and bold,with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole!
Third was a tailor tall and thin,by using red velvet he lined it within!
Fourth was a hunter short and stout,with a piece of fox fur he lined it without!
Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell,he threw in a fish and gave it a smell!
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee!
Last came a sailor a dirty little runt,he sucked it and licked it and called it a c'unt!

by **Toffeehater** » Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:46 pm

Number 9 wrote:THE CREATION OF A VAGINA!!

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine created a pussy to their design!
First was a butcher smart with wit,using a knife he gave it a slit!
Second was a carpenter strong and bold,with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole!
Third was a tailor tall and thin,by using red velvet he lined it within!
Fourth was a hunter short and stout,with a piece of fox fur he lined it without!
Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell,he threw in a fish and gave it a smell!
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee!
Last came a sailor a dirty little runt,he sucked it and licked it and called it a c'unt!

, classic .

by **daxy1** » Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:50 pm

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

' OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart :censored:

: Have you ever felt such a c**t?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

by **Toffeehater** » Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:33 pm

by **daxy1** » Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:27 pm

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

by **daxy1** » Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:28 pm

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations..

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the

correct protective clothing..

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

by **account deleted by request** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 12:23 am

pmsl ........at the rugby one especially :laugh:

by **Dundalk** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:37 pm

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got Alzheimers
This little piggy went to market

by **Dundalk** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 1:38 pm

Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

by **Toffeehater** » Thu Jul 10, 2008 6:14 pm

, @ the pen.is joke , another good one mate

by **LFCLiam** » Fri Jul 11, 2008 12:27 pm

Bamaga man wrote:
Dundalk wrote:A big Black Chelsea prostitute has got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on each thigh. She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are I'll give you a free shag He looks to the left and then to the right and finally says "I dunno who those ugly b*stards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips".

thats class! i love it :laugh:

by **Redman in wales** » Fri Jul 11, 2008 6:41 pm

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

---------

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter said that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed it to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "Really? You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with someone just as gorgeous. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

by **Toffeehater** » Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:31 pm

Redman in wales wrote:A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

---------

, no pu... for a week

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