Liverpool FC Forum

by **Big Niall** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 2:23 pm

two guys are at a party full of hot women, one says to the other "I can have any woman in here" to which the second guy replies "you think you can score with any of the fine women here?" "I can with any bird here if I want to" says the first guy.

The second guy asks "wow, whats your secret?"

The first guy leans over and slowly whispers to the other guy
>
>
>
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>
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>
>
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"I'm a rapist"

:blush:

by **god_bless_john_houlding** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:40 pm

if battersea dogs home opened in north korea they'd think it was a take away (from only fools and horses)

by **Kharhaz** » Sun Mar 16, 2008 12:23 am

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Try to be pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse."

"If you can do this for the next 1 to 2 months, I think your husband will regain his health completely".

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?". She replied, "The doctor said, you're going to die".

by **Kharhaz** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:45 am

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

by **kieran2011_90** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 3:12 am

by **66-1112520797** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 3:19 am

woof woof ! wrote:Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

by **66-1112520797** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 3:19 am

Judge wrote:Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene:
What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at
any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local
pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a
Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

by **Dundalk** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 10:44 pm

Lucky Drink

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing
in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the
house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,
eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and
delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and
so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

by **woof woof !** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 10:38 am

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

by **dawson99** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 10:40 am

similar thing happened to me and gf. i came home real drunk last night and asked her to do something for me... this morning she said she obeyed and my footwear was in the pan on the cooker....

something about me asking her to cook my sock

by **stmichael** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:48 am

Opened my curtains this morning to see a german sheperd having a sh#t in garden!

When I looked again, noticed he'd brought his f#cking dog as well!

by **god_bless_john_houlding** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:25 am

two auld girls knocked on me door today asking me to buy some bread. they were there for hours.

bloody hovis whitness.

by **stmichael** » Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:54 am

god_bless_john_houlding wrote:two auld girls knocked on me door today asking me to buy some bread. they were there for hours.

bloody hovis whitness.

by **god_bless_john_houlding** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:01 pm

it's christmas dinner at Mr and Mrs Jenkins house. There all about to settle down to eat their grub when there's a knock at the door so little Harry Jenkins opens the door and standing there is aunty Jean. She comes in and asks Mr Jenkins if she can spend christmas with them because she's got no food in her house, Mr Jenkins says yes and tells her to sit down.

10 minutes later Mrs Jenkins calls her husband and Harry into the kitchen and tells them that there isn't enough food for Jean. So they come to the conclusion that Harry won't have anything to eat to ensure they don't embarrass themselves.

So off they go to the table and sit down. Mrs Jenkins starts dishing the food up and asks Harry "do you want some turkey my love?" Harry replied "no I'm alright ta mam" Mrs Jenkins "you sure Harry, I mean you like turkey" "yes mum I'm not that hungry" said Harry. Mrs Jenkins piles the turkey on the plate of aunty Jean. Then Mrs Jenkins asks Harry "do you want some spuds love?" Harry again replied "no I'm alright mum" So again Mrs Jenkins gave Jean as many spuds as she possibly could.

Then after dinner Mrs Jenkins offered everyone their pud. Mrs Jenkins said "Jean do you want some tinned pears and cream" to which Jean replied "yes please love" Then Harry jumped in and asked "can I have some pears mum?" Mrs Jenkins face hit the ground and she went "no you can't you cheeky b@stard, only those who ate their dinner can have some pears"

by **PhiLFC** » Fri Apr 04, 2008 9:31 am

woof woof ! wrote:I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

aaaaargh ha ha ha ha ha love it... one-liners are the best

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