Liverpool FC Forum

by **dawson99** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:09 pm

woof woof ! wrote:Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

love it dude :wwww

by **dawson99** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:04 am

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son (named Simon) comes home unexpectedly, sees them,
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also
comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy
is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots
and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that :censored:

again. You're in my cupboard
now"

by **GRAHAM01** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:25 am

Teacher to class; what does your dad do at the weekend?

little jonny says; he's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money is right, he lets punters bang his a**e and come in his mouth!!

Teacher pulling jonny aside asks " is that true " ?

little jonny says; No the truth is he plays for everton but i was to embarrassed to say!! :wwww

by **Keris** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 9:27 am

Good stuff Dawson

by **Judge** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:23 am

The Train Compartment
There were four people sitting in a train compartment: an old lady who was knitting, a young woman who was reading a book, a lecturer who was talking about his research, and his young student whom he was taking to a conference, and who was listening to his lecturer and taking down notes.
This situation continued for quite a while. The old lady knitting, the young woman reading, the lecturer talking away, and the student listening.
Then the train went into a tunnel, and the compartment was plunged into darkness. No-one could see anything. Suddenly there came the sound of a loud kiss, followed by a hearty slap. As the train came out of the tunnel, eveyone was in the same position as they had been before.
Now the old lady thought that she knew what had happened. Good for her, she thought, that young man has just kissed the girl, and she slapped him.
The young woman thought that she knew what had happened. How funny, she thought, the young man tried to kiss me, kissed the old woman by mistake, and she gave him a slap.
The lecturer thought that he knew what had happened. It's not fair, he thought, my student kissed that girl, and she slapped me by mistake.
But only the student really knew what had gone on. Under the cover of the darkness, he had loudly kissed the back of his hand, then slapped his lecturer and got away with it.

The Mathematicians
Three mathematicians were walking down to the railway station one day, deep in conversation about mathematics. They were so absorbed in what they were talking about that as they approached the station, they failed to hear the announcement that the train was about to leave.
However they did notice when the train started to pull away from the platform. Alarmed, they started to run after the train, and eventually two of them managed to scramble on board.
A station porter noticed the remaining man looking glum. "Never mind", he said, "Two out of three isn't bad."
"But you don't understand," replied the mathematician, "they only came to see me off."

A Bill Gates Joke
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above NewJersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, BillGates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began tofill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Blondes
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

The Mathematician, the Statistician, and the Philosopher
One day a mathematician, a statistician, and a philosopher were out having a walk in the countryside when they saw a brown cow in a field.
The statistician said, "See that cow. From that we can conclude that all cows in this country are brown."
"Oh no," the mathematician replied, "we can only conclude that at least one cow in this country is brown."
But the philosopher shook his head. "Both of you are wrong. The only thing that we can conclude is that the side of this particular cow which is facing us appears to be brown at this moment in time."

Another Bill Gates Joke
Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week:
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you'll be back on track."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of 1998. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we've had some delays..."

by **Judge** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:24 am

Irish Bank Robbery
Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

by **GRAHAM01** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 12:56 pm

judge that's gross but funny

by **Kharhaz** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 1:39 pm

Cant remember if ive told this one before so I will post it anyway because it makes laugh !

How do you know if a bar maid is miffed at you?

She leaves the string in the bloody mary......

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Feb 29, 2008 5:26 pm

A bus pulls up outside the church just as the congregation is coming out on Sunday morning. A little old lady walks to the bus looking very sweet in her lovely white dress with pink trimmings, a lovely little white and pink bonnet with a small veil and her lovely white gloves. She is carrying a little white bible.
She gets on the bus and walks down to the back seat. She has not bought a ticket.
The driver calls out, "someone has forgotten to get a ticket"
The little old lady is looking around and smiling sweetly at everyone.
The driver calls out again that someone on the bus has not bought a ticket and still the little old lady continues to smile sweetly at the other passengers.
By this time the driver is beginning to get a bit uptight and calls out, "someone on this bus has not got a ticket and I am not going to move this bus until that person comes up here and buys a ticket"
Hearing this a young lady turns to the old lady and says "I think he means you love"
The old lady looks at her and says "Ah! fu*k him"

An old one, but still makes me laugh

by **god_bless_john_houlding** » Sat Mar 01, 2008 12:57 am

not my joke, but it will have you in stitches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWHA8JWkVD4

by **god_bless_john_houlding** » Sat Mar 01, 2008 1:11 am

Gary goes into a chippy, jumps the queue and says "six portions of chips please mate before the trouble starts"

chippy fella says "what trouble"

Gary says "I've got no money"

by **anfieldadorer** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:29 am

this is hilarious

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOp_xGJtIiY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9pgR3BZkPE&feature=related

by **woof woof !** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:59 am

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac,

a zoophilic and a pyromaniac are all sitting on

a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" said the zoophilic.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture

it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and

then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it

and then have sex with it again," said the necrophiliac.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,

have sex with it again and then burn it," said

the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist

said: "Meow."

by **Judge** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:00 pm

lmao

by **anfieldadorer** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:16 pm

good one that

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