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by **account deleted by request** » Sat Oct 14, 2006 8:00 pm

I was sitting on a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos the other day when Robert Tilton came on TV. He's a televangelist out of Dallas. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars pursuing sins of the flesh?" This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos?"... Yes, sir! "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Ha, ha close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second!

by **account deleted by request** » Sun Oct 15, 2006 4:11 am

Why doesnt mexico have a olympic team? Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already across the border!

by **account deleted by request** » Sun Oct 15, 2006 4:16 am

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully, for the last fkn time... BRING POSSE!"

by **112-1077774096** » Sun Oct 15, 2006 4:24 am

by **account deleted by request** » Sun Oct 15, 2006 10:47 am

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Coz' it's so cold".

Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Coz' it's so warm".

Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Coz' my fkn watch is gone".

by **84-1160912789** » Sun Oct 15, 2006 1:28 pm

Q; WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

A: TO GO TO THE SHOPS

by **jkop** » Sun Oct 15, 2006 3:37 pm

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?............A piece of a.ss that makes you cry.

by **Mikz** » Sun Oct 15, 2006 5:51 pm

What do ya call a dog with no tongue?

Smelly nuts

by **joko** » Tue Oct 17, 2006 8:22 am

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

by **daxy1** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 2:49 pm

A little guy gets on an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. No one else is on the elevator. The elevator door closes. After a few seconds the big guy notices the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "Hey! What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude replies, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, and my name, is Turner Brown."

The little guy gives a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God! I thought you said turn around!"

by **daxy1** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 2:50 pm

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Just before 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem :censored:

off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh :censored:

," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

by **account deleted by request** » Thu Oct 26, 2006 2:51 pm

daxy1 wrote:A little guy gets on an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. No one else is on the elevator. The elevator door closes. After a few seconds the big guy notices the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "Hey! What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude replies, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, a 3 pound left testicle, a 3 pound right testicle, and my name, is Turner Brown."

The little guy gives a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God! I thought you said turn around!"

by **daxy1** » Fri Oct 27, 2006 9:31 am

probably been posted but fack off i didnt know!

>This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there
>and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's
>embarrassing.
>
>
>There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
>what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us
>have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
>
>An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he
>approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing
>the Doctor for today?"
>
>"There's something wrong with my d *ick," he replied. The Receptionist
>became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room
>and say things like that.
>
>"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>
>The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
>this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
>with
>your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
>Doctor
>in private."
>
>The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,
>if the answer could embarrass anyone."
>
>The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>
>The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
>
>"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
>
>The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
>advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
>
>"I can't p *ss out of it," the man replied.
>
>The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
>

by **daxy1** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 11:45 pm

Eating Peanuts: One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as
he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in
pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and
after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and
decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then
shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming,

"That was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he
grows older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

by **joko** » Mon Nov 06, 2006 5:44 am

daxy1 wrote:Eating Peanuts: One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as
he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in
pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and
after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and
decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then
shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming,

"That was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he
grows older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

bugger

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