Liverpool FC Forum

by **Woollyback** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:01 pm

same 2 prossies walking down the street later on. one says "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"no" replies the other, "but i've been swung round by the t!ts a few times!"

i'll share your cab lee

by **kazza 1** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:22 pm

A married couple is driving down the motorway doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the bank account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

by **dawson99** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:26 pm

I found Roberts application for mcdonalds

NAME
Roberts.
DESIRED POSITION
Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY
£185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS
1.30-3.30pm, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECIEVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITIONS?
I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest Prize Draw.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE REST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE
Scorpio with Libra rising.

by **kazza 1** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:27 pm

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

by **kazza 1** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:30 pm

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

by **dawson99** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:31 pm

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

by **kazza 1** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:40 pm

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

by **stmichael** » Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:25 pm

A dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse.

'I'd like to buy a horth'' he says to the owner

''What sort of horse?'' asks the owner

''A female horth'' the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.

''Nithe horth'' says the dwarf, ''Can I thee her eyth?''

The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.

''Nithe eyth'' says the dwarf, ''Can I thee her teeth?''

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.

''Nithe teeth'' says the dwarf, ''Can I see her eeerth?''

By now the owner is getting a bit fed up but again, he picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.

''Nithe eeerth'' says the dwarf, ''Can I see her twot?''

With this the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him on the ground.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, '' Perhapth I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?''

by **TheoRacle** » Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:48 am

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael answers "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teached points out that that would be rude and impolite!!!

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
" That's better says the teacher, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for and show us your good manners?"

Lilttle Johny answers - "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

by **Lando_Griffin** » Fri Mar 17, 2006 6:05 am

by **dawson99** » Wed Mar 22, 2006 5:08 pm

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine
man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a great
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is
'1234', and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for
another year.

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves, and slaps the Brut on all over. He slides
into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has this
amazing ******** that the medicine man had promised and is full of hope and
joy.

..................

....................

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123'
for?".................

by **drummerphil** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 2:15 pm

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the dwarf."

by **dawson99** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 2:12 pm

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"
The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why do you ask, do you think they
look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"

by **stmichael** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 2:15 pm

Phil Neville was arrested last night for assaulting a taxi driver who asked him what way he was heading.

by **dawson99** » Mon Mar 27, 2006 2:24 pm

stmichael wrote:Phil Neville was arrested last night for assaulting a taxi driver who asked him what way he was heading.

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