A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."
"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny.
"Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad.
"Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a cr#p in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s##t!"
Jokes please - Lets ave em
40 posts
• Page 3 of 3 • 1, 2, 3
by Owzat » Mon Feb 02, 2004 7:33 pm
SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it'. "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern w@nkers'
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is
*****
David Beckham comes home from training with a note from his Alex Ferguson, indicating that "David seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would Posh Spice, "please sit down and have a talk with David about this."
So Posh takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. First, David, I want you to take off my blouse... so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. Now take off my bra... which he does. And now, David, please take off my knickers. And when David finishes removing those, she says, "David, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes any more!"
*****
manu were playing in training and Alex Ferguson called everyone round for a team talk. He said to them "we need to discuss some serious things now lads" David Beckham says " Yes, they keep your breath fresh for upto 2 hours" Ferguson says " No, we need to discuss tactics not tictacs"
*****
Q: How do you confuse a manu fan?
A: show him a map of Manchester
*****
Daddy, Daddy, tell me a horror story. OK son! Once upon a time, there were two scum supporters.......... Now there fvckin' millions of them!
*****
What do you call a man in a three bedroom house in Manchester?
A Burgular.
*****
Why wasn't Jesus born in Manchester?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
*****
On the 16th june 1974 three people died in a Manchester bar. When they got to heaven, God turned aroung to them and said,"you are not supposed to be here. At 12:00pm today, you must go to the edge of the cloud and jump back to earth." The three men were glad and agreed. "But before you jump, you must call out what you wish to be back on earth." At exactly 12:00pm, the first man jumps off the cloud, "I want to be a succesful buisiness man with one million pounds in my account. I want three young babes on my arm at the age of 22." Three years later, the man is a succesful businessman in America."
The second man walks to the edge of the crowd. " I want to live in Barbados and be rich." Three years later the man owns Barbados and is doing fine."
The third man walks to the edge of the crowd. He trips, "useless tw@t" he shouts at himself as he falls. Three years later, the man is Gary Neville, playing on for manu.
*****
At manu's game last week the police caught three fans climbing over the wall.They were arrested and made to go back and watch the match.
Posh gave David a jigsaw puzzle for a present. After three days he completed the puzzle and was so happy he called Posh to tell her of his great achievement. She asked him why he was so pleased and he said, "I did it in three days, on the side of the box it said three to four years"
During the away matches in Brazil David phoned Posh to find out if he scored as she was five hours ahead of his time.
*****
New Manchester United Numbering System In a bold new move, Manchester United have announced today that, as of this season, they are to abandon the controversial 'squad numbering' system. United's Executive Director of Finance, Martin Edwards, said that the system will be replaced with a revolutionary system of bar-coding, "as we feel it will reduce the check-out waiting time of all the people queueing up to buy our players. Keying those squad numbers and prices into the till was very time consuming and this is a much simpler system" said the delighted financial supremo. The system was revealed at the launch of United's new 'Red Shield Stamps' promotion, whereby anyone who buys a United player gets a stamp to collect in a small booklet. "Anyone with more than 2 stamps gets David May free" quotes Edwards.
*****
What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs? They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
*****
Alex Ferguson and Kevin Keegan are having an end of season radio interview and the interviewer asks Kevin, 'What are your aims for the next 5 years?'. 'Well I think we should try to consolidate for a year or two, and them aim towards building a push for the premiership', Replies Kevin. The interviewer then turns to Alex, 'What about you at United?'. 'Well I want to win the double 5 years on the bounce, win Europe 5 years on the bounce and basically never lose a game for 5 years', replies Alex. 'Aren't you being a bit over the top?' Asks the interviewer, and Alex replies 'Yeah well he started it.'
*****
Four surgeons are having a coffee break. 1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded." 4th surgeon says "I prefer manu fans. They're gutless, spineless, heartless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."
*****
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a manu fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.
The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the manu fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu, "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the manu fan and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The manu fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.
The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
****
Two manu fans are walking along. One picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says, 'Hey, I know that bloke'. The second one picks it up and says, 'Of course you do, you thick tw*t - its me!'
****
What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God does't think he's Alex Ferguson
*****
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
*****
Q: If you see a manu fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bike.
*****
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, A manu fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
*****
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box.
*****
Top tip for manu fans: Don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
*****
Q: What do Posh Spice and Emile Heskey have in common?
A: They're both f*cking useless footballers!
*****
Q: How many manu fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: 545,001. One to change it, 45,000 to pretend they've been changing it for years, and 500,000 to buy the commemorative T-shirt.
A2: Who cares? As long as the lightbulb is changed every 3 months, cost £50 and comes in a different colour.
A3: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1998 lightbulb changing commemorative T-shirt and video", and one to drive the other two back to London.
A4: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never have gone out!
*****
David Beckham is staggering about, drunk as a lord with a key in his hand.
"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.
"They stole me bloody car!" shouts Beckham.
"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!' David wails.
The Policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"
"Holy sh*t!' screams Beckham; "They got Posh as well!"
*****
On the return journey from an away match the manu team bus crashes killing several players.
On arriving at the Pearly Gates the players were told by St Peter that they would have to confess their sins before they were allowed into Heaven.
Roy Keane was the first in the queue and St Peter asked him "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?"
Keane replied, "I did once brush it with the tip of my finger".
"Dip the tip of your finger into the bowl of Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter.
Paul Scholes was the next in the queue. "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?" asked St Peter.
"I did once toss him off." replied Scholes.
"Wash your hand in that Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates." replied St. Peter.
All of a sudden there was a scuffling in the queue and Diego Forlan pushed through to the front ahead of Gary Neville.
"What's going on there?" asked St Peter.
"Well," said Diego Forlan, "If I'm going to have to stick my tongue in that bowl of Holy water, I want to get there before Neville dunks his a#se in it."
*****
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
*****
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he is the only guy who can lob Seaman at 40 yards
*****
Q: What have Posh Spice and the England football team got in common?
A: They both get screwed by David Beckham
*****
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank. "I'd like to donate some sperm." he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?"
"Yes" replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."
"Oh yes I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham.
The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless w*nker..."
*****
Q: What is the difference between an Anus and Posh Spice?
A: One is a posh word for an a#sehole, the other is a posh bird for an a#sehole.
*****
Have you heard about the fight between Alex Ferguson and David Elleray? It's stopwatches at ten paces!
*****
David Beckham had a near death experience the other day when he went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworths manager came out and unplugged it.
*****
Beckham goes to see Gary Neville in hospital when he has an injury. Beckham says to Neville "What have they been doing to you?" Neville says "They gave me a cortisone injection" Beckham replies "They didn't give me a car when I was here!"
*****
David Beckham had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut up a lorry driver. The trucker motioned for him to pull over, which he did. The trucker got out of his lorry and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Beckham, "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!!" He then went to Beckham's car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around Beckham had a slight grin on his face, so he said "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in the car. When he turns and looks at him, Beckham has a smile on his face. The truckers getting really mad now. He gets his knife back out and slashes all of his tyres. Now Beckham¹s chuckling. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on the car and sets it on fire. He turns around and Beckham is laughing so hard he is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asks. Beckham replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
*****
Posh buys Becks a new manu scarf for Christmas to add to his collection. Beckham tried it on and shouts out in frustration. Posh says, "What on earth is the matter?" Beckham replies, "It's no good - you'll just have to take it back." Posh asks, "Whatever for?" Beckham replies, "It's too damn tight!"
*****
A manu fan dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly gates he meets St Peter. St Peter sees the manu fans shirt and refuses to let him in. St Peter says "there are far too many of you already, God told me to send the rest of you packing". The manu fan protests, "but I am a good man, I gave £10 to children in need a few weeks ago". St Peter says, "ok, what else have you done?". The manu fan says, "I gave £20 to Cancer research last week". St Peter says "anything else?". The manu fan says, "only yesterday I donated £50 to the local church for the homeless and in my will I left a large sum to charity". St Peter says, "I'll have a word with God" and walks off. After 10 minutes St Peter returns and hands the manu fan a wad of money - "now ***** off" he says
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it'. "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern w@nkers'
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is
*****
David Beckham comes home from training with a note from his Alex Ferguson, indicating that "David seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would Posh Spice, "please sit down and have a talk with David about this."
So Posh takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. First, David, I want you to take off my blouse... so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. Ok, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. Now take off my bra... which he does. And now, David, please take off my knickers. And when David finishes removing those, she says, "David, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes any more!"
*****
manu were playing in training and Alex Ferguson called everyone round for a team talk. He said to them "we need to discuss some serious things now lads" David Beckham says " Yes, they keep your breath fresh for upto 2 hours" Ferguson says " No, we need to discuss tactics not tictacs"
*****
Q: How do you confuse a manu fan?
A: show him a map of Manchester
*****
Daddy, Daddy, tell me a horror story. OK son! Once upon a time, there were two scum supporters.......... Now there fvckin' millions of them!
*****
What do you call a man in a three bedroom house in Manchester?
A Burgular.
*****
Why wasn't Jesus born in Manchester?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
*****
On the 16th june 1974 three people died in a Manchester bar. When they got to heaven, God turned aroung to them and said,"you are not supposed to be here. At 12:00pm today, you must go to the edge of the cloud and jump back to earth." The three men were glad and agreed. "But before you jump, you must call out what you wish to be back on earth." At exactly 12:00pm, the first man jumps off the cloud, "I want to be a succesful buisiness man with one million pounds in my account. I want three young babes on my arm at the age of 22." Three years later, the man is a succesful businessman in America."
The second man walks to the edge of the crowd. " I want to live in Barbados and be rich." Three years later the man owns Barbados and is doing fine."
The third man walks to the edge of the crowd. He trips, "useless tw@t" he shouts at himself as he falls. Three years later, the man is Gary Neville, playing on for manu.
*****
At manu's game last week the police caught three fans climbing over the wall.They were arrested and made to go back and watch the match.
Posh gave David a jigsaw puzzle for a present. After three days he completed the puzzle and was so happy he called Posh to tell her of his great achievement. She asked him why he was so pleased and he said, "I did it in three days, on the side of the box it said three to four years"
During the away matches in Brazil David phoned Posh to find out if he scored as she was five hours ahead of his time.
*****
New Manchester United Numbering System In a bold new move, Manchester United have announced today that, as of this season, they are to abandon the controversial 'squad numbering' system. United's Executive Director of Finance, Martin Edwards, said that the system will be replaced with a revolutionary system of bar-coding, "as we feel it will reduce the check-out waiting time of all the people queueing up to buy our players. Keying those squad numbers and prices into the till was very time consuming and this is a much simpler system" said the delighted financial supremo. The system was revealed at the launch of United's new 'Red Shield Stamps' promotion, whereby anyone who buys a United player gets a stamp to collect in a small booklet. "Anyone with more than 2 stamps gets David May free" quotes Edwards.
*****
What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs? They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
*****
Alex Ferguson and Kevin Keegan are having an end of season radio interview and the interviewer asks Kevin, 'What are your aims for the next 5 years?'. 'Well I think we should try to consolidate for a year or two, and them aim towards building a push for the premiership', Replies Kevin. The interviewer then turns to Alex, 'What about you at United?'. 'Well I want to win the double 5 years on the bounce, win Europe 5 years on the bounce and basically never lose a game for 5 years', replies Alex. 'Aren't you being a bit over the top?' Asks the interviewer, and Alex replies 'Yeah well he started it.'
*****
Four surgeons are having a coffee break. 1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded." 4th surgeon says "I prefer manu fans. They're gutless, spineless, heartless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."
*****
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a manu fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.
The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the manu fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu, "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the manu fan and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The manu fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.
The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
****
Two manu fans are walking along. One picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says, 'Hey, I know that bloke'. The second one picks it up and says, 'Of course you do, you thick tw*t - its me!'
****
What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God does't think he's Alex Ferguson
*****
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
*****
Q: If you see a manu fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bike.
*****
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, A manu fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
*****
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box.
*****
Top tip for manu fans: Don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
*****
Q: What do Posh Spice and Emile Heskey have in common?
A: They're both f*cking useless footballers!
*****
Q: How many manu fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: 545,001. One to change it, 45,000 to pretend they've been changing it for years, and 500,000 to buy the commemorative T-shirt.
A2: Who cares? As long as the lightbulb is changed every 3 months, cost £50 and comes in a different colour.
A3: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1998 lightbulb changing commemorative T-shirt and video", and one to drive the other two back to London.
A4: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never have gone out!
*****
David Beckham is staggering about, drunk as a lord with a key in his hand.
"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.
"They stole me bloody car!" shouts Beckham.
"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!' David wails.
The Policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"
"Holy sh*t!' screams Beckham; "They got Posh as well!"
*****
On the return journey from an away match the manu team bus crashes killing several players.
On arriving at the Pearly Gates the players were told by St Peter that they would have to confess their sins before they were allowed into Heaven.
Roy Keane was the first in the queue and St Peter asked him "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?"
Keane replied, "I did once brush it with the tip of my finger".
"Dip the tip of your finger into the bowl of Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter.
Paul Scholes was the next in the queue. "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?" asked St Peter.
"I did once toss him off." replied Scholes.
"Wash your hand in that Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates." replied St. Peter.
All of a sudden there was a scuffling in the queue and Diego Forlan pushed through to the front ahead of Gary Neville.
"What's going on there?" asked St Peter.
"Well," said Diego Forlan, "If I'm going to have to stick my tongue in that bowl of Holy water, I want to get there before Neville dunks his a#se in it."
*****
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
*****
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he is the only guy who can lob Seaman at 40 yards
*****
Q: What have Posh Spice and the England football team got in common?
A: They both get screwed by David Beckham
*****
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank. "I'd like to donate some sperm." he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?"
"Yes" replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."
"Oh yes I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham.
The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless w*nker..."
*****
Q: What is the difference between an Anus and Posh Spice?
A: One is a posh word for an a#sehole, the other is a posh bird for an a#sehole.
*****
Have you heard about the fight between Alex Ferguson and David Elleray? It's stopwatches at ten paces!
*****
David Beckham had a near death experience the other day when he went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworths manager came out and unplugged it.
*****
Beckham goes to see Gary Neville in hospital when he has an injury. Beckham says to Neville "What have they been doing to you?" Neville says "They gave me a cortisone injection" Beckham replies "They didn't give me a car when I was here!"
*****
David Beckham had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut up a lorry driver. The trucker motioned for him to pull over, which he did. The trucker got out of his lorry and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Beckham, "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!!" He then went to Beckham's car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around Beckham had a slight grin on his face, so he said "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in the car. When he turns and looks at him, Beckham has a smile on his face. The truckers getting really mad now. He gets his knife back out and slashes all of his tyres. Now Beckham¹s chuckling. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on the car and sets it on fire. He turns around and Beckham is laughing so hard he is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asks. Beckham replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
*****
Posh buys Becks a new manu scarf for Christmas to add to his collection. Beckham tried it on and shouts out in frustration. Posh says, "What on earth is the matter?" Beckham replies, "It's no good - you'll just have to take it back." Posh asks, "Whatever for?" Beckham replies, "It's too damn tight!"
*****
A manu fan dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly gates he meets St Peter. St Peter sees the manu fans shirt and refuses to let him in. St Peter says "there are far too many of you already, God told me to send the rest of you packing". The manu fan protests, "but I am a good man, I gave £10 to children in need a few weeks ago". St Peter says, "ok, what else have you done?". The manu fan says, "I gave £20 to Cancer research last week". St Peter says "anything else?". The manu fan says, "only yesterday I donated £50 to the local church for the homeless and in my will I left a large sum to charity". St Peter says, "I'll have a word with God" and walks off. After 10 minutes St Peter returns and hands the manu fan a wad of money - "now ***** off" he says
Never buy from PC World, product quality is poor and their 'customer service' is even poorer
-
Owzat - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 7487
- Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2003 8:55 am
- Location: England
by stmichael » Fri Jul 30, 2004 2:44 pm
Genuinely my favourite joke ever.
A 0 is walking down the street and sees an 8 walking the other way.
The 0 says to the 8, "Excuse me mate, I think your belt's too tight."
A 0 is walking down the street and sees an 8 walking the other way.
The 0 says to the 8, "Excuse me mate, I think your belt's too tight."
-
stmichael - Forum Moderator
- Posts: 22644
- Joined: Tue Feb 10, 2004 3:06 pm
- Location: Middlesbrough
by woof woof ! » Fri Jul 30, 2004 3:30 pm
A bald irish fella is tellin' his mate how being hairless is not helping in his search for a girlfriend.
"Why don't you have a transplant ?" suggests his mate.
Irish replies " Thought about it but decided I'd look a bit funny with a kidney on me head "
"Why don't you have a transplant ?" suggests his mate.
Irish replies " Thought about it but decided I'd look a bit funny with a kidney on me head "
-
woof woof ! - Forum Moderator
- Posts: 21176
- Joined: Wed Oct 01, 2003 9:22 am
- Location: Here There and Everywhere
by supersub » Fri Jul 30, 2004 7:09 pm
Der HasenFuB...HAHAHAHAHAHA..hehehehehehehe
THERE'S A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW SHINING AT THE END OF EVERY DAY.
THERE'S A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW AND TOMORROW IS JUST A DREAM AWAY.
THERE'S A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW AND TOMORROW IS JUST A DREAM AWAY.
-
supersub - Forum Moderator
- Posts: 7276
- Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2003 11:38 pm
- Location: knackers yard
@ Dom-1 joke lol
40 posts
• Page 3 of 3 • 1, 2, 3
-
- Related topics
- Replies
- Views
- Last post
-
- Jokes thread - Post your funniest jokes here
1 ... 76, 77, 78
by anfieldadorer » Fri Sep 16, 2005 4:32 am
- 1157 Replies
- 96596 Views
- Last post by kazza
Tue Jan 31, 2017 6:43 am
- Jokes thread - Post your funniest jokes here
-
- Men jokes, women jokes - Post up your best two each
1, 2by Judge » Fri Oct 06, 2006 2:37 pm - 21 Replies
- 3637 Views
- Last post by 74-1160487249
Thu Oct 12, 2006 4:24 pm
- Men jokes, women jokes - Post up your best two each
-
- Ya ma jokes - Got any 'ya mar jokes?' stick ere!
1, 2by ry_math » Thu Sep 01, 2005 2:47 pm - 22 Replies
- 3970 Views
- Last post by 109-1093441336
Thu Sep 01, 2005 4:04 pm
- Ya ma jokes - Got any 'ya mar jokes?' stick ere!
-
- Jokes
by Paul C » Tue Oct 05, 2004 2:15 pm - 13 Replies
- 1512 Views
- Last post by mynameisred
Sat Oct 09, 2004 6:31 pm
- Jokes
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 24 guests
Powered by phpBB © phpBB Group.