Liverpool FC Forum

[big al]

An Irish man walks into a bar in liverpool (very sore) on the counter he see's a jar marked task jar. 

He orders his pint (well travelled Guinness) and when the barman serves him he asks whats that jar all about.

The barman explains that it costs a pound and whoever can complete three tasks gets to keep the jars contents.
Bejessus there must be four hundred pounds there says the Irishman.
Yes and there's ten more in the back comes the reply.
the Irishman takes his pint and sits down.

Now he's not a mosdest fellow so the next time he's up for a pint he asks to have a go.  He puts his pound.

The barman points to a nearby corner where the biggest scouser bouncer in liverpool is sitting ( I know you've all been thrown out by him)  Knock him out cold says the barman.  f##k off says the Irishman and goe's and sits down defeated.

A few pints later and he recons he can take the bouncer no problem,over he goes.  Cantona kick to the head, Norman hunter boot in the balls and the bouncer is out cold.

f##king easy he shouts to the barman now whats the next one.
There's a ninety year old vigin in the attic go up and break her in. No way that's sick says irishman what was the third one by the way.  Theres a rabid Dobermann in the cellar with an absess in his tooth pull it out. 
Keep it says the Irishman dejectedly.

An hour later with his money running out and the irishman being a drinker is starting to look for more booze,the irishman decides to have a go.  I'll sort this f##king dog out first he cry's.  thirty minutes go by, the people in the bar hear the squeals and barks of the dog, the cellar is being wrecked. 

up comes the irishman covered in blood shirt and clothes ripped to pieces, Right he says

where to f##k is the ole doll with the absess in her tooth

[116-1065305004]

Here is my Christmas Cracker joke

Q;What does Has and a chef who keeps on dropping his pancakes both have in common?

A:They are both useless t#s#ers!

[Cool Hand Luke]

Here is my Christmas Cracker joke

Q;What does Has and a chef who keeps on dropping his pancakes both have in common?

A:They are both useless t#s#ers!

Please no more, you are so funny, my ribs are hurting, NOT

[ROBtheRED]

Did u hear Michael Jacksons house got raided by the FBI,
they found class A drugs in the kitchen, class B drugs in the bathroom and class 5C in his bedroom!

[ROBtheRED]

I took my dog to the vets the other day, took him into the surgery and passed him to the vet who looked at him and said "its no good i'm going to have to put him down!",
"why? ?" i questioned . . . "because the f##kers hurting my arms!" he said

[ROBtheRED]

a blonde and a brunette walking down the street and the brunette sees her boyfriend entering a flower shop. "oh no" she comments "he's buyin me flowers again!", "whats wrong with that, i wish my boyfriend would buy me flowers" the blonde replys. "Its not that its the expectation that comes with it" the brunette explains "he'll want me on my back with my legs in the air for the next 3 days!!", the blonde looks puzzled and says ". . .why?. . .haven't you got a vase?"

[Dom1]

sangy

[Dom1]

2 scousers were fishing when a crocodile came past with a blokes head in its mouth.

Terry said 2 Barry:
"look at that posh tw#t with a Lacoste sleeping bag!!"

Dom1

[sangy]

What u laughin at Dom-1? lol 

@ Dom-1 joke lol

[HOMELEIGHKOP]

[gaz31]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying ba#ta#d told you I was speeding, too!

 

[leothelion]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!".

[leothelion]

A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there told him,
Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'.
But I don't have the fingers!

What! You don't have the fingers!? said the doctor, You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsugery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.

But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.

[leothelion]

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!"

[leothelion]

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."