Liverpool FC Forum

by **NiftyNeil** » Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:27 pm

stmichael wrote:I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

That reminds me of the two blokes sharing a cell in prison:

Inmate 1 : what are you in for?

Inmate 2 : beastiality

Inmate 1 : beastiality!! how low can you get?

Inmate 2 : probably a jack russell :wwww

by **GYBS** » Fri Sep 12, 2008 3:19 pm

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

by **Toffeehater** » Fri Sep 12, 2008 9:30 pm

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Sep 12, 2008 9:44 pm

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the
car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with the lady from next door. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been
married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I
would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I
can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by
a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is
no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes
and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

by **shakey** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 1:14 pm

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blond genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blond genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills!

Then, there's a knock at the door. . He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blond genies. One blond genie says to the other one, " I can
understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big
mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a blackman is beyond me.

by **shakey** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 1:15 pm

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year
schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children
the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by
colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

'Red............cherry,'

'Yellow..........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,'

'Orange........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating
them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror,
spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're :censored:

-holes!!'

by **shakey** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 1:16 pm

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

by **Toffeehater** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 1:51 pm

by **shakey** » Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:14 pm

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

by **shakey** » Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:14 pm

An English ventriloquist, visiting the highlands, walks into a wee village and sees a local crofter sitting on a wall, patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the jock 'Good morning, do you mind if I talk to your dog?'

Highlander: 'The dug canna talk, yer daft sassenach!'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, hows it going?'

Dog: 'Aye, fine, doin' all right.'

Highlander: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the Highlander)

Dog: 'Aye'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Great ! He walks me twice a day, feeds me regular and takes me to the loch every week to play!'

Highlander: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Highlander: 'Uh, the horse doesnae talk either ...... Ah think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Aye, great!'

Highlander: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?'

Horse: 'Aye, so he is!'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down well and keeps me in the stable to protect me from the weather'

Highlander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Highlander: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fcuking liar

by **ConnO'var** » Mon Sep 22, 2008 1:42 pm

Manchester United have changed shirt sponsors. Long standing sponsor AIG, is rumoured to be livid at the Glazers' decision to switch allegiances following the team's descend into their worst period of recent years.

by **shakey** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:29 am

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.
She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.
'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

by **shakey** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:34 am

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

by **Bad Bob** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:53 am

shakey wrote:A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.
She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.
'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

by **metalhead** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:58 am

shakey wrote:A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.
She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.
'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

LOL!

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