Liverpool FC Forum

by **Aaron** » Sun Jan 27, 2008 9:48 pm

Why I fired my Secretary. Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch..........

Naked

by **Aaron** » Sun Jan 27, 2008 9:49 pm

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify
the
point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note
asking
me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde
said,
'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take
a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurised?' The blonde said, 'No,
just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

by **Raj_Xedos** » Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:34 am

The year is 2007, little duncan is talking to his dad, who is an arsenal fan...

SON: dad, my mates in school told me that liverpool won the champions league in 2005 for the fifth time- are they right?

DAD: yes son. its true but they were dead lucky son, all the way through the
tournament.

SON: why dad?

DAD: well in the group stages ....

SON: what dad did they have a team from azerbaijan, israel or ireland in
their group?

DAD: well no, they had monaco, deportivo la coruna and olympiakos

SON: well they still sound like three easy teams to me dad...

DAD: Actually monaco reached the final the year before, olympiakos had won their league seven times out of the eight previous seasons, and deportivo finished above real madrid in la liga...

SON: jeez dad that sounds like a difficult group then?

DAD: ermmm, yeah i suppose ur right son, but the dirty scousers were still lucky, it took a jammy shot from steven gerrard to get them through

SON: but dad isnt that when they needed to score three goals in the second half to go through, and gerrard struck it sweetly into the corner?

DAD: ermmmmmm, yeah son it is

SON: oh okay. Well what happened in the last 16. who did they play?

DAD: Bayern Leverkusen

SON: bayer who

DAD: Exactly son, there a nobody team

SON: but dad,

DAD: yes son

SON: didnt they beat real madrid 3-0 at home and win their group that included dynamo kiev and roma too?

DAD: ermmm, yeah actually ur right son

SON: but i bet liverpool won on away goals or sumthin

DAD: ermmm, actually no, they won both legs 3-1

SON: ohhhh, who did they get next, must have been a easy team if they got jammy in 2005

DAD: Juventus

SON: no way, how did they beat them?

DAD: they won 2-1 at home, and luis something scored a lucky volley past the worlds most expensive keeper, and in turin, juventus hardly had a chance against liverpools defence.

SON: I bet Juve were :censored:

at the time all their decent players must have been injured

DAD: errrrm, actually no nedved, ibrahmivoc, thuram, buffon, cannavaro, camoranesi, emerson, del piero, and trezeguet all played. and they won serie A a few weeks earlier

SON: no way they beat the italian champions? so tey must have had an easy team next...

DAD: well, they played chelsea

SON: haha, thts easy, chelsea have won less than Aston Villa in europe

DAD: well no son, that season chelsea dominated the league, but liverpool got jammy because the ball didnt cross the line for the goal

SON: ahhh i see thats why they were lucky, cos it wasnt a legit goal

DAD: errrrrr, well not quite, i suppose the chelsea keeper fouled baros so he would have been sent off and liverpool would have had a penalty, and liverpool didnt let them score in 180 minutes of football, leaving their manager to resort to playing central defenders upfront

SON: so they beat the english champions too?

DAD: yes son

SON: so after that all the decent teams must have been knockd out,

DAD: not quite, they played ac milan in the final.

SON: no way, arent they like the second most succesfl team in the competition?

DAD: errrrm, yeah

SON: i bet then liverppol were lucky because milan had all their players injured

DAD: wel not quite son, they had schevchenko, crespo, kaka, maldini, nesta, cafu, stam, dida, pirlo, seedorf, and gattuso.

SON: ur joking, but i bet somehow liverpool dominated the game and defended stubbornly shutting them out

DAD: ermmmmmmmmm, nt quite

SON: well what do u mean dad?

DAD: milan were winning 3-0 at half time,

SON: what what what....

DAD: and the reds had injuries in the first half

SON: my god, did milan have three men sent off in the second half? how did liverpool get back in the game dad?

DAD: no milan had no players sent off, liverppol scored three goals in six
minutes!

SON: against one of the best defences in europe

DAD: yes son

SON: so what happened next, extra time?

DAD: yes son, and dudek made the luckiest save ever to stop shevchenko form 2 yards

SON: hat did it hit him in the face bum, nose or sumthin?

DAD: ermmm, no actually his hand...

SON: but dad,

DAD: yes son

SON: arent keepers meant to stop shots with their hands?

DAD: THATS BESIDE THE POINT!

SON: oh okay, bt what happened next, penalties,

DAD: yeah liverpool won the game on penalties

SON: so lets get this right dad. liverpool didnt have an easy group, they knocked out a team that beat real madrid 3-0, they knocked out the serie A > champions, the premiership champions, before coming back from 3-0 down to beat one of the best teams in europe in recent times. all this with only one
fit forward through the tournament who wasnt scoring many goals, alongisde the fact this was their mangers first season in charge of the club?

DAD: errrm, i guess ur right but they were......

SON: Dad?

DAD: yes duncan?

SON: i want a liverpool shirt for my birthday, and stop callin me duncan, im STEVEN GERRARD from now on.

by **Dundalk** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:27 pm

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow,Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

by **dawson99** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:51 pm

very racinst, but very funny

A woman walks into the doctor's surgery but doesn't like the way he's looking at her.
When he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she disrobes. After he turns out the lights she says: "Where will I put my clothes?"
"Hang them up over here," he says. "Next to mine."

A mother cleaning her son's room finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."

by **dawson99** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:52 pm

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

by **JBG** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:26 pm

by **ste123lfc** » Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:17 pm

Gazza has been sectioned under the Mental health act and has been sent to an institution for retards with no chance of recovery. "Were glad to have him back!" said David Moyes.

by **Judge** » Sun Feb 24, 2008 1:57 pm

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene:
What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at
any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local
pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a
Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

by **ConnO'var** » Sun Feb 24, 2008 2:53 pm

by **mramo** » Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:31 pm

ste123lfc wrote:Gazza has been sectioned under the Mental health act and has been sent to an institution for retards with no chance of recovery. "Were glad to have him back!" said David Moyes.

LOL!

I just been watching this clip of Gazza

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVMaIUSeRxA

"Its ironic that the word "crack" (in Barry Davies's commentary) just epitomises the life of Gazza. Gazza had a crack, he was on crack & now he is cracked! Full stop."

by **god_bless_john_houlding** » Sun Feb 24, 2008 10:50 pm

how high is a chinaman

by **Judge** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 12:17 am

Just moved to a new house, ill send you the address later, but fuck me its rough area.

Myra hindley is the avon lady, fred west is the gardner, louise woodward is the babysitter, harold shipman is my new GP, gary glitter runs the playgroup and the fucking macanns run the holiday club!

(oh dear bad taste but funny)

by **woof woof !** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 1:59 pm

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

by **Judge** » Tue Feb 26, 2008 2:02 pm

woof woof ! wrote:Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

bad that woof

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