Liverpool FC Forum

by **daxy1** » Sun Dec 31, 2006 4:37 pm

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

by **red37** » Sun Dec 31, 2006 5:18 pm

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?"
"Shut up, you'll wake your father."

"Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?"
"Shut up and help me get Gran off the doorknob."

"Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Dad's between my legs?"
"You will when you get older, Lucy!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?"
"Shut up and get back in the sack."

"Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?"
"Shut up and kiss me."

"Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?"
"Shut up and deal."

"Mommy, Mommy! Granpa's going out!"
"Well throw some more petrol on him then."

"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?"
"Shut up and eat your meat loaf."

"Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?"
"Shut up, we haven't finished your Grandmother yet."

"Mommy, Mommy! Dad just poisoned my kitten!"
"Never mind dear. Perhaps he had to do it."
"No he didn't , he promised me I could!"

"Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?"
"Shut up and eat your soup before it clots."

"Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?"
"I don't know dear, ask your father."

"Mommy, Mommy! Dad's running down the street!"
"Shut up and step on the accelerator!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?"
"Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Can I war a bra now I'm 16?"
"Shut up, Albert."

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagra Falls!"
"Shut up and get back in the barrel!"

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia."
"Shut up and keep swimming."

"Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?"
"Shut up and comb your face."

"Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimy?"
"Shut up you little snot."

"Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

"Mommy, Mommy! The milkman's here. Have you got the money or should I go out and play?"

by **account deleted by request** » Sun Dec 31, 2006 5:37 pm

"mummy mummy can I lick the bowl ?"
"no just flush it like everyone else"

by **daxy1** » Mon Jan 01, 2007 10:06 am

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed......... ....... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

by **66-1120597113** » Mon Jan 01, 2007 10:27 am

What was the last thing Saddam Hussein said to his men before they got into the tanks???

...

....

Get into those tanks men! :nod

by **daxy1** » Tue Jan 02, 2007 8:15 pm

A little boy runs up to his mom.

'Mommy, am I deformed?' he asks.

'No,' replies Mom, 'Of course not. Why do you ask?'

'Because I only have one weewee,' says the boy.

'Honey, men only have one weewee,' says Mom.

'But Daddy has two!' exclaims the boy.

'Hah, no, Daddy only has one. Believe me, I know,' says Mom.

'Nuh uh,' says the boy, 'Daddy has 2. A regular one he goes peepee with, and a great big one he brushes the babysitter's teeth with.'

by **account deleted by request** » Tue Jan 02, 2007 8:58 pm

daxy1 wrote:A little boy runs up to his mom.

'Mommy, am I deformed?' he asks.

'No,' replies Mom, 'Of course not. Why do you ask?'

'Because I only have one weewee,' says the boy.

'Honey, men only have one weewee,' says Mom.

'But Daddy has two!' exclaims the boy.

'Hah, no, Daddy only has one. Believe me, I know,' says Mom.

'Nuh uh,' says the boy, 'Daddy has 2. A regular one he goes peepee with, and a great big one he brushes the babysitter's teeth with.'

by **peterc1992** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 2:22 am

Did u see the new saddam hussein t-shirts in JJB?
they are a bit thight round the neck but they hang well..

by **red37** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:07 am

A fella is dropping off a girl at the end of their first date. As he's kissing her goodnight, he pulls down his flys, takes out his c0ck, and puts it in her hand. She says, "I've got two words for you! Drop dead!" She jumps out, slams the car door, runs up the path, storms in the house, and slams the front door. Then, there's a knock on the door. She answers it, and the poor sod is standing there with tears in his eyes.

He says, "And I've got two words for you...let go!"

by **jizz** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 2:45 pm

my wife has a black belt in cooking...

one chop and your dead..!!!

i'm here all week :blush:

by **jkop** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:03 pm

Two Irish men are talking after having a swinging session, one says to the other did you enjoy that, yes says the second but next time we will have to get the wives envolved.

by **red37** » Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:08 pm

This fella goes the doctor and the doctor says, "I'm going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, a blood sample and a stool sample."

The fella says back to him, "Listen Doc, I'm in a hurry. Can I just leave you me Kecks?"

by **daxy1** » Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:53 am

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to :censored:

yourself when I tell you the price."

by **Redman in wales** » Fri Jan 05, 2007 12:11 pm

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, an M5 BMW, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Please just send the bottle back."

by **Redman in wales** » Fri Jan 05, 2007 12:14 pm

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out - Fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about His father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and give them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."

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