Liverpool FC Forum

by **Judge** » Fri Dec 15, 2006 9:00 am

Apple reported today that it has developed computer chips
that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women are always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.

by **Redman in wales** » Fri Dec 15, 2006 11:30 am

Whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Being raped.

(thank you jimmy carr)

by **daxy1** » Fri Dec 15, 2006 10:16 pm

peterc1992 wrote:
daxy1 wrote:
peterc1992 wrote:A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a
peni$?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched
with the tip of my finger..."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you
ever had contact with a peni$?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK,
dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ar$e in it!"

I made this one up myself

lyin tw@t it's on the humour archives
ya billy bullsh!tter...

Mate i was joking ffs.don't take it soo seriously

oh??? ha! ha! funny that.........

by **peterc1992** » Fri Dec 15, 2006 11:01 pm

daxy1 wrote:
peterc1992 wrote:
daxy1 wrote:
peterc1992 wrote:A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a
peni$?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched
with the tip of my finger..."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you
ever had contact with a peni$?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK,
dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ar$e in it!"

I made this one up myself

lyin tw@t it's on the humour archives
ya billy bullsh!tter...

Mate i was joking ffs.don't take it soo seriously

oh??? ha! ha! funny that.........

u just going round the forum looking for things to critise people on,ur takin it too far,get over it, and i thought i was hilarious :buttrock

by **joko** » Sat Dec 16, 2006 5:47 am

pressie for less unfortunate mates for being manure, chelski, arsenal fans, buy em here

http://books.lulu.com/content/425800

by **joko** » Sat Dec 16, 2006 5:48 am

double posts :Oo:

by **dawson99** » Sat Dec 16, 2006 4:11 pm

a dyslexic santa clause has been found in ipsiwch after he kept leaving prozzies under the xmas tree

(gonna get in trouble for that)

:lookaround

by **kazza 1** » Sat Dec 16, 2006 11:41 pm

A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and...soon he needs to take a leak.

He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. The one in the middle has a white :censored:

.

He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar.

He orders another beer and thinks about what he had seen.

When the bartender hands him his beer, he leans over and whispers: "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white :censored:

!

The bartender points at three guys sitting at a table. "You mean those guys?"

"Yeah", the man says, "They're the ones."

The bartender grinned. "Those guys aren't black. They're coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch."

by **daxy1** » Sun Dec 24, 2006 6:32 pm

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde. The officer asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The officer replied, "its square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

by **Red @ Heart** » Sun Dec 24, 2006 10:02 pm

i hear its cold in ipswich tonight, -5 apparantly.

by **Red @ Heart** » Sun Dec 24, 2006 10:05 pm

the ipswich rugby team is finding it hard to make a team this season, they cant seem to find any hookers

by **daxy1** » Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:33 pm

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the :censored:

away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

by **daxy1** » Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:33 pm

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

by **daxy1** » Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:35 pm

There were a few mothers attending a small seminar with a psychiatrist who claimed to know what their obsessions were judging by the names they gave their children. He asked the first mother what he named her daughter and she said "Penny". So the doctor tells her she's obviously obsessed with money.

He moves along to the next mother who says she named her daughter "Brandy". So the doctor says she must be obsessed with alcohol.

Suddenly, a mother grabs her son by the arm and gets up, saying "C'mon Dick, let's go."

by **daxy1** » Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:36 pm

A little Native American boy asked his father, the big chief of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied ...

"Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp. It's very simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

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