Liverpool FC Forum

by **Mikz** » Sat Dec 02, 2006 10:26 pm

Woollyback wrote:**SICK JOKE ALERT**

you have been warned

a bloke is standing outside the maternity ward waiting for his wife to give birth. the midwife comes out looking concerned, "i've got some good news and some bad news i'm afraid" she says. "give me the bad news" says the bloke. "well, the bad news is your baby has ginger hair" replies the nurse. "and the the good news"? asks the bloke. the nurse replies "it died"

priceless

by **Gerrard30391** » Sat Dec 02, 2006 10:35 pm

Q) What goes blonde brunette blonde brunetee?

A)A naked blonde doing cartwheels!

by **daxy1** » Sun Dec 03, 2006 2:53 am

Woollyback wrote:**SICK JOKE ALERT**

you have been warned

a bloke is standing outside the maternity ward waiting for his wife to give birth. the midwife comes out looking concerned, "i've got some good news and some bad news i'm afraid" she says. "give me the bad news" says the bloke. "well, the bad news is your baby has ginger hair" replies the nurse. "and the the good news"? asks the bloke. the nurse replies "it died"

oh my god ha! ha! i'm gunna show that to ginger nutt's me mate silly little ginger pr!.ck..

by **Mannyk** » Sun Dec 03, 2006 4:56 pm

If I have one mothe ball in one hand and one moth ball in the other what do I have?

A big fu cking moth

by **daxy1** » Sun Dec 03, 2006 11:56 pm

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided them their food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said. "I think you're hallucinating and you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blond woman, face up and totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her, dragged her up on the beach, and discovered, yes, she was alive.

One said the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long time. Do you think we should, ......you know, ... screw her?"

The second lawyer, asked, "Out of What?"

by **Red @ Heart** » Mon Dec 04, 2006 10:54 am

jack and jill went up the hill so jack could feel her fánny,
jack came down with a frown, cos jills a fúking tranny.

by **Red @ Heart** » Mon Dec 04, 2006 11:01 am

anfieldadorer wrote:a tree in front of my neighbour's house, honest

that red Bucket is funny as Fúck

by **daxy1** » Mon Dec 04, 2006 5:42 pm

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were " :censored:

or drown."

by **daxy1** » Mon Dec 11, 2006 10:31 pm

A biker was riding along a California highway when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic.

Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, "You want three lanes or four on that bridge?

by **peterc1992** » Tue Dec 12, 2006 12:44 am

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a
peni$?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched
with the tip of my finger..."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you
ever had contact with a peni$?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK,
dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ar$e in it!"

I made this one up myself

by **daxy1** » Tue Dec 12, 2006 1:21 am

peterc1992 wrote:A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a
peni$?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched
with the tip of my finger..."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you
ever had contact with a peni$?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK,
dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ar$e in it!"

I made this one up myself

lyin tw@t it's on the humour archives
ya billy bullsh!tter... :no

by **crouchaldinho** » Tue Dec 12, 2006 3:44 pm

A school teacher is speaking to her class one day when she notices a puddle forming around one of the pupils.

"oh mary" asked the teacher sympathetically, "why didnt you put your hand up?"

"I did miss" replied the mary, fighting back her tears, "but it trickled through my fingers"

by **crouchaldinho** » Tue Dec 12, 2006 3:50 pm

two blondes walking through a forest one day. They come to a clearing and the first blonde spots some trackes on the ground.

"they're deer tracks" she exclaims

"no they're not, they're rabbit tracks" replies the second blonde

They were still arguing when the train hit them!!

by **peterc1992** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 5:24 pm

daxy1 wrote:
peterc1992 wrote:A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a
peni$?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched
with the tip of my finger..."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you
ever had contact with a peni$?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK,
dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ar$e in it!"

I made this one up myself

lyin tw@t it's on the humour archives
ya billy bullsh!tter...

Mate i was joking ffs.don't take it soo seriously

by **ste123lfc** » Wed Dec 13, 2006 6:28 pm

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . .he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course."

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