Liverpool FC Forum

by **account deleted by request** » Sat Nov 11, 2006 7:13 pm

Dont read this joke if your very religious and easily offended!

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?.........

Acne usually comes on a boys face AFTER he turns 12

by **Lando_Griffin** » Mon Nov 13, 2006 6:25 am

s@int wrote:Farmer Giles gets a call on his 2way Radio from his farm hand.
"I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor still alive..."
"Shoot it" said the farmer, "and then bury it.."
An hour later he gets another call from the farm hand...
"Done that, now what should I do with his fooking speedcamera? "

by **112-1077774096** » Mon Nov 13, 2006 9:33 am

s@int wrote:Dont read this joke if your very religious and easily offended!

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?.........

Acne usually comes on a boys face AFTER he turns 12

a young priest takes over a new church after the old priest dies, anyway first day in confession a woman enters and says 'forgive me father but i have sinned, last night i met a man in the pub and gave him a blow job"

anyway the new priest has not had this scenario before so he doesnt know how many hail mary's he should tell her to give, just then a choir boy walks past and the priest asks him what the old priest used to give for a blow job.

"a mars bar" came the reply

by **account deleted by request** » Mon Nov 13, 2006 9:35 am

by **joko** » Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:46 am

by **joko** » Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:47 am

by **anfieldadorer** » Sat Nov 18, 2006 4:42 pm

a tree in front of my neighbour's house, honest

by **daxy1** » Sat Nov 18, 2006 7:25 pm

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate S*x he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast:
Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, Tomato and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you."

"I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F**k him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

by **daxy1** » Mon Nov 27, 2006 8:02 pm

A Woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems:
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....."

by **Woollyback** » Wed Nov 29, 2006 12:25 pm

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of silica, indicating 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital
telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. We have concluded that our ancestors were using wireless technology as far as 5000 years ago."

by **Judge** » Wed Nov 29, 2006 1:56 pm

A husband has been making love to his wife for 20 years in the dark.
one day the wife switches the light on, to find the hubby holding a vibrator.
the wife goes off on one and accuses him of being a bastard.

the husband politely and calmly replies ''i'll explain the vibrator if you can explain the kids!''

by **daxy1** » Sat Dec 02, 2006 12:03 pm

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

by **daxy1** » Sat Dec 02, 2006 12:04 pm

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

by **Woollyback** » Sat Dec 02, 2006 10:19 pm

**SICK JOKE ALERT**

you have been warned

a bloke is standing outside the maternity ward waiting for his wife to give birth. the midwife comes out looking concerned, "i've got some good news and some bad news i'm afraid" she says. "give me the bad news" says the bloke. "well, the bad news is your baby has ginger hair" replies the nurse. "and the the good news"? asks the bloke. the nurse replies "it died"

:wwww

Liverpool FC Forum

Jokes thread - Post your funniest jokes here

Who is online