Liverpool FC Forum

[ivor_the_injun]

(phone rings)

LFC: Hello, Liverpool Football Club?

Chelski: Good mornings. This is the Chelsea branch of Abramovich Oil. May the grace of god grant you and your brothers with stout ladies with child bearing hips.

LFC: Er, thanks la. Was there anything else?

Chelski: Yes. We wish to per-chase a Steven Gerrard please.

LFC: I'm sorry, we've already said that he's not for sale I'm afraid.

Chelski: We have many rubles, and the hottest pornography in aaaaaaaaall of Europa.

LFC: I'm sorry, like I was saying, he's simply not to be sold.

Chelski: HEH HEH HEH. You humourous scouselanders with your funnies. This is a funny joke yes?

LFC: No, I'm sorry, like I say...he's not...

Chelski: Like the one about the Beatles on the ship crossing the river, no?...

LFC: ...?...

Chelski: Why did the Beatles cross the Reever Merz, no?

LFC: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Chelski: With the ferryman who cross the Reever Merz, with their friend Gerry who suffers so badly from problems of the heart.

LFC: I think you're getting confused with the song, Ferry Cross The Mersey?

Chelski: It is a funny song, yes? Like the bucktoothed man with the small children?

LFC: What, Ken Dodd? I'm sorry, I don't think I follow...all I was saying is that - as we've said before, Stevie...

Chelski: ENOUGH OF THIS SMALL AND PETTY BANTERING! WE GIVE YOU THIRTY MILLION POUNDS!

LFC: (deafened) F*ck me...Look mate - like we've said, he's not for sale.

Chelski: WE SEND YOU THIRTY FIVE MILLION POUNDS!

LFC: I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen - as the Chief Executive has said...

Chelski: WE SEND STURDY LUMBERJACK LADY WITH FORTY FIVE MILLION POUNDS!

LFC: Look, you don't seem to get it - it's not the money, it's our policy. He's just not for sale.

Chelski: WE SEND FINE ROAST BOAR, FIFTEEN OF THE VILLAGE'S STRONGEST MENFOLK AND FIFTY MILLION POUNDS!

LFC: This is getting silly...

Chelski: WE SEND FINE ROAST BOAR, STURDY LUMBERJACK LADY, FiFTEEN OF THE VILLAGE'S STRONGEST MENFOLK, FIFTY MILLION POUNDS AND CARLO CUDICINI!

LFC: Can you hold the line please?

(sound of ringing)

Chelski: (to Chelski secretary) While I wait, you find me expensive players from Spain and a Cigar thank you please, no?

LFC: Hello? Are you still there?

Chelski: Why yes, we always liking to per-chase one of your Steven Gerrards please.

LFC: Well that's the thing, I've spoken to the Chairman, and he says thanks for your interest but we have no intention of selling Steven Gerrard at any price.

Chelski: I thank you for your honourable businessmaking skills, and for receiving my call with the courtesy with which TV programmes such as Bread make feel so warm and real.

LFC: That's quite alright. Now if you don't mind...

Chelski: WE SEND FINE ROAST BOAR, STURDY LUMBERJACK LADY, FiFTEEN OF THE VILLAGE'S STRONGEST MENFOLK, FIFTY MILLION POUNDS, CARLO CUDICINI AND A YOUTH TEAM PLAYER WITH NICE POTENTIALS!

LFC: Sold. Have your people fax ours.

Chelski: A good day to you, and to all of Liverpools.

LFC: Thanks for your interest in Liverpool Football Club.

Click...brrr..............