MEANWHILE, on the Anfield Comedy Channel, Monsieur Baldrick's hilarious attempt to go fourth takes a side-splitting twist when he reveals his cunning plan to win the title.
And regular viewers won't be surprised to know he has statistics to back up his bold claim. This time it's the stunning fact that his battered troops have won more corners this campaign than any other outfit. Honestly.
It hurts like hell watching your team turn into the biggest joke in football, especially when the men who run it are either too naive to see through the brazen delusion their clueless manager keeps spinning to save his skin, or too gutless to do anything about it. As David Moores hides behind the skirts of "we're not a sacking club" let me use his manager's chosen weapon of statistics to remind him why, fourth or no fourth, most fans think Gerrard Houllier's time is up.
He was given sole charge of the club 65 months ago with a brief to close the gap on Arsenal and old rivals Manchester United. It has become a chasm. After spending £115m on players, he now wants to sell most of the dross that's left, and start again. How many deserve to go? At least a dozen. How much would he recoup? Can anyone change a tenner?
First-teamers safe from the cull? Three. Michael Owen, Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher. All there before he arrived. Young players brought through the ranks? None.
Class players shown door for challenging his Stalinist rule? Too many.
Points off the top? 29. Points dropped by Easter? 50. Attendance today if season-ticket holders had to pay on the gate? 15,000. Why? Entertainment value: Nil.
Amount of excuses, lies and false promises (sorry plateaus, injuries, League Cups, edge-of-seat players and next Zidanes) used to distract attention away from the fact they have sunk to the level of Charlton and Birmingham? Incalculable.
Amount of times Anfield hierarchy has called that position "unacceptable"? Innumerable. Last time the fans were so depressed about the club's slide to mediocrity? 1956.
What happened then? The manager Don Welsh was sacked for finishing third and failing to gain promotion to the First Division by one place. Reason given? Being outside England's elite was not good enough for Liverpool.
Reason the board didn't sack any of its next seven managers? It didn't need to. Because they were all decent men who loved the club more than themselves, and knew when it was time to go.
Chances of Moores having the guts to do what the board did in 1956? Probably none.
Chances of Houllier doing what his predecessors did? Definitely none.
Time the pair of them have left if they don't act this summer? As long as it takes for Liverpool to fall out of next season's title race.
About a month
anyone agree?