Scouts have prepared a guide to the Liverpool Reds' squad - including Craig Bellamy, who has 'switched franchises several times in career amid rumors of all-star level jackassery'. It's all here...
Jose (Pepé) Reina
Netminder with an impressive 19 shutouts this regular season. Save average of .854 in last five outs. Replaces New Jerzy Dudek as first-choice goaltender after veteran's series of high-profile handling errors. Nicknamed after Pepé Le Pew, the cheese-eating surrender skunk.
James 'The Minister Of Defense' Carragher
Captain of defense and native 'Scouser'. 2963 minutes of field time with powerplay change-up stats of 5-6-3. Awesome displays in penalty zone versus aerial offense plays. Awesome displays at club Christmas parties. Distribution ranked only 245th in EPL. Note: communication may be difficult as James does not speak English.
Steve O'Finnan
Defensive cornerback/outside linebacker ranked six in division for forward offense running plays. Highly-rated change-up, groundspeed. 245 defensive tackle ratio. Proud Irishman: merchandising opportunities with millions of east coast Americans who are 1/64 from Cork. Vital cornerman, new shorts.
Sam Hyypia
Veteran centerblocker famed for aerial rebound ability, composureability, although lacks change-up, questions over groundplay v forwards with nimbleness quotient. Radical air with headbombs from special plays ensures a conversions per season tally average of six. Hails from Finlandland, a country in Europe that is part of the 'Axis Of Pleasantness'.
John-Arnold Riise
Cornerman who regularly features in goalshot of the month sweeps with a left peg rated in top five nationwide for sweetness. Rookie, sophomore seasons raised expectations of possible Hall of Famer status but recent semesters have seen the person of redly-challenged hair demoted to bullpen on occasion. 7-6-8.
Gerrard Steven
Team MVP, captain and midfielderman famed for power running, pass accuracy, assists. Has dressed as center, right wingerbacker (offensive and defensive) and even as secondary power forward. Can rush goal or sit back in the pocket. Career high came in Pro-Ball showdown against the Milan Tumblers in Istanbul (believed site of WMD).
Craig Bellamy
Controversial wide receiver/goal forward rated division's third most likely player to face red card takedown in grudge slams. Lightning fast in joggy work down winglines, although critics question net targeting infield. Has switched franchises several times in career amid rumors of all-star level jackassery.
Robert Bernard Fowler
Veteran strike attacker and all-time Liverpool Reds Hall of Famer. Once considered league MVP for shotzone rebounds and accuracy in the paint. Famously flagged on field for displaying his tight end to opponent Graeme Le Saux, and for calling into question The War On Drugs.
Xavi Alonso (ITA)
6-5-7, 12, 468, 0.43, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 98632548, 1, 1, 0 (?), 0, 1. 0.3.
Jermaine Pennant
Wide receiver/running forward has rushed for over 1,000 yards in Liverpool Reds rookie season. Crossfields delivery success rate well into point-seven-ohs, play action, sprinty, jigglebomb, DUI. 6.662. Off-field activities saw him given bum's rush from Steve Bruskowski's Birmingham Brums. Only soccerplayer on roster with a sensible sportsman's name.
Peter Crouch Jr
Power forward who could have potential if consortium moves into NBA. Noted for headbomb assists, ganglyhole, salmon leap, robotics. 0.673, runners batted in, three points. Traded several times early in career but has flourished under head coach Benitez at the Anfield Taco Bellodrome.
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