Liverpool FC Forum

[The Red Baron]

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd
better have a good hand." Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille
Paglia


Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole>relationship."

Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf

is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he

never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US

First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing

in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know

what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry
Seinfeld
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and onlyenough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams


" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiencesmoney
can buy." Steve Martin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wild

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns>

[The Ace1983]

This is what the Marx brother who never spoke said to his wife when she caught him kissing another woman:
"I wasn't kissing her! I was just whispering in her mouth!" 

[CardinalRed]

One of my favourites attributed to Winston Churchill, he was at a dinner party and he fell out with some posh bird, the conversation went like this:

Posh Bird: "If I was married to you I'd put poison in your tea"
Winston: "My dear, if you were married to me, I'd drink it!"

Pure class from a legend....

[CardinalRed]

Another one I remember apparently from George Bernard Shaw, talking to a woman he'd met at some do:

SHAW: "Would you sleep with me for a million pounds"
WOMAN: "Yes, I would"
SHAW: "Would you sleep with me for one pound"
WOMAN: "Of course not, what do you think I am"
SHAW: "We've already established what you are, I'm just haggling over the price!"


Nice.......                                           

[dawson99]

denis leary

"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"


"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own a$$, okay?"

[dawson99]

and you cant do quotes without doing emo philips:

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

[EddieC]

One of my favourites attributed to Winston Churchill, he was at a dinner party and he fell out with some posh bird, the conversation went like this:

Posh Bird: "If I was married to you I'd put poison in your tea"
Winston: "My dear, if you were married to me, I'd drink it!"

Pure class from a legend....

Another classic Churchill:

When accused of being drunk, he replied 'Yes, but you are ugly. In the morning I will be sober, you will still be ugly'

Class.

[The Red Baron]

and you cant do quotes without doing emo philips:

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Excuse my ignorance but who is/was Emo Philips.As you probably noticed his last quote is my sig, but I havent got a friggin clue who he is/was

[dawson99]

just a stand up comic, but he is an absolute genius

http://cmgm.stanford.edu/~lkozar/EmoPhillips.html

look him up tho, if thats your thing hes the best

[shanks72]

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and onlyenough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

[red37]

“There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.”

Douglas Adams

[woof woof !]

Jackie Mason talking about his phsychiatrist.

For $5000 he said he'd help me to find the real me !

I said   "forget it , I'll ask my friends , they know where I was "

[kazza 1]

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.  Homer Simpson

Mr Garrison (on women's period): I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
South Park

Eric Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my . If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
South Park

I was elected by the women of Ireland, who instead of rocking the cradle, rocked the system.
Mary Robinson, President of Ireland 1990 to 1997

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Homer Simpson

[account deleted by request]

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty 

If there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole!

Beauty is only a lightswitch away

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.