by stmichael » Sat Jul 30, 2005 12:14 pm
I've already posted this but I'll post it again anyway.
As the new English Premiership season approaches faster than a footballer's high-performance car in a built-up area accelerates towards a pensioner crossing the road, it's all around us. Panic. And with good reason. There's just about a month to go before the transfer window closes but clubs ideally want their squads in place before the ball is kicked in anger so they can work out the basics like formations and who is already a waste of money and needs to be hidden in the reserves until January. We at, Liverpool are still expecting a couple more signings in the not too distant future. Some fans are panicking already but there really is no need. Rafa knows what he is doing and will get it right.
If you want to panic go and support Newcastle. Souness has basically sold all his decent players and only bought Scott Parker and Emre, who will have to take on the opposition single-handedly along with Alan Shearer, who will no doubt be in some kind of bath-chair contraption just to remind us how old he is now. At the last count Newcastle need almost an entire team of new players. But because the club is a basket case (and I take no pleasure in that), it's hard to attract anyone to the place, which is usually the point at which a desperate man calls Anelka's agent. I always imagine Freddy Shepherd runs the Magpies while belching and farting in the boardroom and eating large plates of tripe and onions, pausing briefly only to wipe gravy off his chin with his tie. Newcastle's long-term problems must stem from the board and the sooner they're bought out and replaced with people who live in the 21st century and don't wipe gravy off their faces with their ties and can run a club in a way entirely different to a scrap metal business, the better.
But it's not only in the north-east where the bumholes are twitching like a half-chewed orange. Aston Villa currently have just two strikers, both of whom often go through long periods of not, well, striking. Which has led David O'Leary to try and bid seven million for Milan Baros who, despite possessing the ability to run very fast with his eyes closed (which is useful when you've got a girl's hair cut in the north of England), is no more likely to be your 20-goals-a-season man than the now-sold Darius Vassell. I think we'd all forgotten that Vassell actually played league football and thought he was just an England player who was injured the rest of the time, or running around not doing much one weekend in every six.
Spurs have the opposite problem to Villa - they've got too many strikers, all of whom seem to be discontented in one way or another. Presumably playing at one of the country's top clubs isn't good enough for them. They may or may not have signed Edgar Davids (is he allowed to smoke dope to relieve glaucoma?) and have got the best keeper in the land and manager who appears to be rather good. Everything looks a bit rosy at WHL, which in itself should be cause enough for a knawing ulcerous pain in the gut of every Spurs fan. They'll have some good spells, but in the end will inevitably peter out into mid-table mediocrity as always.
Meanwhile, over at Highbury, fans are chewing their carpets as chances fade of getting a striker who is any good just in case Henry loses form. Julio Baptista may come or he may not and who doesn't feel like that at some point during a summer drinking session? And if that doesn't make them panic, then there's the thought that Jens Lehmann will be in goal again and that Ashley Cole hates everyone now.
Manure are having their usual soap opera summer and there's every reason to panic. Rio won't sign because he can't work out how to use a pen and he's too busy looking at over-priced clothing, but more worryingly, there are no other reliable central defenders at the club, Wes Brown and Silvestre being a footballing Abbott and Costello act. Gary Neville will be away agitating revolution in a South American dictatorship somewhere. And on the left wing there's still the ageing monkey delivering crosses almost as wastefully as Kewell will at Liverpool...ooh and then...ouch, pulling a hamstring: "I'm out for a month boss."
The signs of panic are also wafting around Wigan, who could reasonably have expected some greedy old footballers of class to turn up and take their not-inconsiderable money, Bolton stylee.
Everton have had to resort to re-signing defenders who they had wanted to get rid of just weeks before and I get the feeling that they want to sign someone who will really get fans excited...but can't and so are already spending hours in training kicking the ball very high in the air for long distances at Duncan Ferguson. Enough to make anyone panic who is about to play the cream of Europe - if they can get past the qualifiying round, which remains in doubt.
Sunderland and West Ham will also be panicking because its only a couple of weeks before they have to try and pretend they're not going to be relegated for the next ten months and are forced to drag out the old "fourth bottom would be an achievement" clichés. If I was Alan Pardew I'd be getting a suit of armour and a new head fitted as Hammers fans appear to really dislike him and think he's useless, which seems a bit odd really after getting them promoted. Mind you, I'd be panicking if I was relying on Marlon Harewood's corpulent form to score enough goals to keep us up, and Roy Carroll to keep them out.
Birmingham fans won't be panicking though, largely because they're still asleep after last season's snooze-fest.
Bolton fans are buying extra towels to cope with the oceans of flying spittle to come in the season ahead and anyone working for Liverpool should be very worried and wearing brown trousers, as you're likely to get shipped out at any minute. 13 players have already departed Anfield. However, 46 new Spanish players have arrived and we do have the Lord of Frodsham playing for us.
Portsmouth fans are panicking because they can't pronounce the name of almost anyone they've signed. That'll be Karadas, Mbesuma, Viafara and Andy O'Brien. And if that isn't bad enough, they've only gone and signed Gregory Vignal from us, a man who is clearly a carpet warehouse salesman from Newton-le-Willows masquerading as a footballer.
Man City fans are nervous because Robbie Fowler is still growing fatter at their expense, because Joey Barton may go on a biting rampagenear their house, and because they can already hear Andy Cole's right foot slashing majestically through the air and missing the ball by at least three yards. Couple that with the sobbing at having sold their miniscule child star magician to Chelsea and it's a recipe for incontinence.
Down at Craven Cottage everyone is worried about signing a goalkeeper whose name is already a headline writer's dream - Drobny. It's never good to have a goalkeeper whose name has the crucial first three letters of the word 'drop'.
Charlton, on the other hand, have nothing to worry about until the end of January, by which time they must hope they've acquired enough points to survive losing their last 18 games as usual. They've bought Chris Powell back despite selling him a year ago and despite the fact that he's now 67. You can never have too many old, slow defenders if you want to drop away properly after Xmas though.
Which leaves the glorious Teessiders. The Boro. Striding across the football landscape like a steroid-enhanced leviathan, whatever one of those is. Zenden left them for us after they supposedly resurrected his career (a thing they'll, tell you they've been doing for years now at the Riverside) so they can at least rejoice that they have one less nancy boy who wears a hairband at the club. However, panic is bubbling under like last night's half-cooked kebab in their bowels. Will Mark Viduka ever play a game and if so just how fat must he be now? Will they just have to put Massimo Maccarone down because no one will buy him or even take him on loan? And just how many minutes will Gaizka Mendieta play this season before being injured for the next 12 months?
Finally there's Chelsea, whose fans are panicking because they have not yet bought all the best players past, present and future in the world ever and ever and ever, and who are concerned they might not win the league this year by anything more than 29 points. It's hard work being a fan at the Bridge these days.
So lads and lasses, it's nappies on, sucky blankets at the ready and a stiff upper lip in place. Don't panic! Don't panic! It's just the new season.