Liverpool FC Forum

by **woof woof !** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 8:03 am

Firstly, do you have a goldfish? Just answer yes or no. Now read on.........

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...........
Dave: I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: No way, he's a stockbroker.
Dave: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: 'Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Dave: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself.
Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: Yes I am married , I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you have a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his seat.
Stuart: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: What's that then?
Dave: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: Nope
Dave: Well then , you're a w'anker

by **112-1077774096** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:34 am

for the beatles fans on here, some quality for you to watch.

Beatles

also if you do go to the sight you can click at the top for shows, cartoons, movies etc, i have just ben watching 'extras'

by **112-1077774096** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:39 am

the rutles videos

the rutles

by **woof woof !** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:51 am

peewee wrote:the rutles videos

the rutles

Ages since I've seen them , cheers PeeWee .

by **112-1077774096** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 1:16 pm

i thought you would enjoy it woof :;):

by **babu** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 2:06 am

In 1924 playwright George Bernard Shaw sent Winston Churchill two free tickets to the opening night of his play, Saint Joan, accompanied by a note informing the politician that he should bring along a friend, "if you have one."

Unable to attend the opening, Churchchill returned the tickets to Shaw but asked for seats to the play's second night, "if there is one"

On those crazy cats. :laugh:

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 2:24 am

Some other classic insults :-

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." --Moses Hadas
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --Samuel Johnson
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." --Jack E. Leonard
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." --James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." --Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West

by **woof woof !** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 7:08 am

babu wrote:In 1924 playwright George Bernard Shaw sent Winston Churchill two free tickets to the opening night of his play, Saint Joan, accompanied by a note informing the politician that he should bring along a friend, "if you have one."

Unable to attend the opening, Churchchill returned the tickets to Shaw but asked for seats to the play's second night, "if there is one"

On those crazy cats.

I think Churchill would have made a great stand up comic.

My favourite story about him is the alleged exchange with Lady Astor

Lady, "Sir , if you were my husband I'd put poison in your tea"

Churchill, "Madam if you were my wife I'd drink it ! "

Lady (now furious) "You Sir are drunk !"

Churchill, "That may be, but in the morning I shall be sober whilst you will still be ugly"

by **babu** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 7:36 am

yeah british humour at its best.

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 1:45 pm

And now some American humour :-

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

by **dawson99** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 3:22 pm

and now some humour which may well get me banned:

Liverpool Airport has been closed for the last four hours after police found a suspicious car parked outside.

It was taxed, insured and still had its radio.

by **Judge** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 6:09 pm

hello everyone

by **woof woof !** » Sat Jul 07, 2007 6:25 am

Judge wrote:hello everyone

Aye aye Judge , where've you been these past few weeks ? .

by **shanks72** » Sat Jul 07, 2007 8:07 pm

Just had a glass of white wine and it's gone straight to me head...

A very nice tiple called Fern Bay (new Zealand)...prob the best I've tasted!!

How am I meant to finish my ironing now?....don't think I can iron in a straight line...

But it feels really gooooood!!

Feel like doing something recklesss....but what???

by **dawson99** » Sat Jul 07, 2007 8:12 pm

well..reckless you say?

i reckon you should come round mine :;):

i got some ironing needs doing

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