Liverpool FC Forum

by **Woollyback** » Sat Feb 25, 2006 10:37 am

anyone got any? cos all i've got is this:

A married couple is driving down the motorway doing 60 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 80 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 90 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the savings account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

by **dawson99** » Sat Feb 25, 2006 11:26 am

an old repeat i think but a classic none the less

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
Ross Levy

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind
Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
Homer Simpson

by **dawson99** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 2:48 pm

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU !!

by **Woollyback** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 3:55 pm

dawson99 wrote:The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU !!

splendid

by **115-1139928290** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 3:57 pm

Woollyback wrote:anyone got any? cos all i've got is this:

A married couple is driving down the motorway doing 60 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 80 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 90 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the savings account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"

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