Best post-match sound bite
Jonathan Woodgate. After waiting 561 days for his Real Madrid debut, Woodgate made his entrance in style - by scoring an own goal and getting sent off. Appearing in the Bernabéu press area, he attended to the local media in Spanish before producing this gem for the English: "(censored) me. (censored). Ing. Hell. My God. Where do I start? I'm still in shock. An own goal and sent off. What a debut. What a debut! After the own goal and the yellow I was thinking: 'Jesus Christ, don't get sent off', and then I got sent off."
Most humiliating press conference
Sat before the press, new Alavés coach Mario Luna was asked how he felt to be coming into a job where he had no authority whatsoever. "I think you misheard the president," Luna replied, "I will be making the decisions", to which Piterman tapped him on the shoulder and said: "No, I think you misheard, Mario. I will be making the decisions."
Most ludicrous claim
Ronaldo's declaration that he wants to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
Biggest incompetents
The Spanish Federation, naturally - expertly aided and abetted by the League. The country's footballing authorities were not content with handling the postponement of Sevilla versus Barcelona so ham-fistedly that they left everyone in the dark as to when the season would end before extending it beyond Fifa's worldwide cut-off point, thus creating THREE final days and denying David Beckham the chance to join up with the England squad. Oh no. They also hurriedly stuck Week 11 in between Weeks eight and nine because they never anticipated the national team needing a November World Cup play-off, even thought they're managed by an ape. They also changed the format of the Copa del Rey with the tournament already under way and simply shut the doors and hid under their desks when a coach-load of furious club chairmen came to complain. And, to cap it all, they poisoned half the Atlético Madrid squad when they decided to spend a week's training camp and team-building at the Federation's City of Football HQ.
Most inadvertently revealing insight
Iván Helguera at the "Beer, Nutrition and Sport" conference held in Madrid to prove the benefits of glugging ale and organised (funnily enough) by the beer marketing board. "A confessed moderate consumer of the drink," as the press release put it, Helguera admitted that: "We all like a drink after a game and sometimes we like to have a drink before a game too." Yes, and sometimes you can tell.
Most pathetic cuss
David Beckham and Guti, who tried to rile Osasuna's Raúl García by telling him: "You're ugly, you are."
Best chant
"Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!" Osasuna's fans taking their revenge on Beckham.
Most spectacular failure to take a joke
Sevilla defender Ivica Dragutinovic. When aged César Cadaval, one half of Spanish comedy duo Los Morancos, friend of president José María del Nido and a famous Sevilla fan, visited the club after training one day, he spent his time cracking jokes and messing about with the players. Which was all fine and dandy until, giggling unwisely, he foolishly patted Dragutinovic on the
. The Serbia and Montenegro international responded by chinning him, bringing up a monster black eye. Most surreal sight Beating the olive oil jug thrown at Madrid's players by Osasuna's fans and Deco strolling out of Zaragoza's Romareda munching on a Telepizza, is Barcelona president Joan Laporta. He stripped down to his undies and shouted "you're enjoying this aren't you, you poof?!" at staff after the airport security check just kept on beeping.
Most embarrassing relative Joan Laporta's brother-in-law Alejandro Echevarría who, despite his vociferous protests to the contrary, turned out to be a member of the Fundación Nacional Francisco Franco. Which is a bit embarrassing for a club that is supposedly defined by its opposition to the dictator. Almost as embarrassing, in fact, as Laporta's ludicrous claim that: "Echevarría can't possibly be a Francoist because he was only 10 when Franco died". And this guy's a lawyer, for Christ's sake.
Most shameless manipulation
Although he did eventually release his brother-in-law, a handful of banners at the Camp Nou protested about Laporta's protection of Echevarría, with slogans like "liar", "resign" and "I'm withdrawing my vote". Then there was one that, according to the shameless comic geniuses at AS, said: "Enough manipulation!" Which indeed it did, followed by: "from the Madrid press - Antena3, Tele5, and AS."
Most shameless display of clutching at straws
Real Madrid, who tried to explain away their failure by banging on about a refereeing conspiracy. RMTV opened one news bulletin declaring, "It's clear that Madrid have an extra opponent in the league this year - the referees", while the club very publicly studied the possibility of demanding that their match against Espanyol be replayed after Espanyol's winner was scored after the whistle had gone. Madrid produced a dossier outlining their argument, compete with reports from Marca and AS proving they had a case - which is a bit like publishing a paper on why CFCs don't destroy the ozone and calling Right Guard as your expert witness - only for Florentino Pérez to insist that: "out of respect for Espanyol and out of respect for the referee, we are not going to expunge the game. We're just trying to help improve refereeing in Spain," Pérez announced kindly. "We only ask that the referees do not allow themselves to be influenced by anyone." Except Real Madrid, naturally.
Most misguided gesture
Getafe president Angel Torres's suggestion that the club should stand up against racism by coming out for their next match blackened up with boot polish. Well, his heart was in the right place ...
Most extended metaphor
"When Osasuna need meat, the power of their muscles, there's Cruchaga, Josetxo or Sosa," wrote AS's Artiz Gabilondo, not so much over-egging the cake as smothering it in a bloody great omelette. "If they need the brain food of fish, there's Moha, Delporte or Corrales. The sweetness of fruit is provided by the quality of Valdo, Muñoz or Puñal. The balance and hope of vegetables comes from David López, Raúl García or the Flaño brothers. And fibre - the mostly easily digested part of football - comes from Webó, Milosevic and Romeo in the form of goals. Over the course of the season, calories are bound to be a problem, but Aguirre's come across a perfectly balanced diet."
Renaissance Prince
Alavés president, kit man, delegate, coach, and patron of the fine arts Dimitry Piterman has many talents. Shame running a football club is not one of them.
Best fans
Cádiz's fans win this award by miles. Loud, bright and funny, they spent the season singing: "Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol! We came here to get drunk and the result doesn't matter at all!" Which is lucky, really, as results weren't their strong point.
Best mascot
Never mind the Mallorca devil blamed by Mystic Norma for the side's plight or even Valencia's cuddly bat, this year's winners were the mascot referees. As Spain celebrated Referees' Day - an initiative designed to show the men in black that we love them really - mature-beyond-their-years social-misfits emerged from tunnels all over the country brandishing cutesy cards, while wearing mini referee's kits and the side partings and self-important, authoritarian air of a Young Conservative on Blue Peter. Truly disturbing.
Worst timing
Spain's refs chose the aforementioned special occasion to dish out 13 reds, including one to a club doctor, and 69 yellows, while also disallowing goals, handing out dodgy penalties and generally doing their best to ruin everything. "Please," implored Racing coach Manolo Preciados, "let's never celebrate Referees' Day ever again." The Spanish Federation decided to do it all over again the following week.
Most pompous president
Ex-president, that is. Florentino Pérez. Having finally fallen on his sword, the Bernabéu scoreboard projected a montage of Pérez's greatest moments at the club to Oasis' Don't Look Back in Anger: Florentino meets the King, Florentino meets the UN, Florentino meets Aznar, Madrid win the league and the European Cup (nice to see the archive working), Florentino kisses the Pope's ring, Florentino presents the galacticos, Florentino lays the first brick at the new training ground, and so on and so on. It turned out that was just a taster: Pérez has just sent out a book of his staggeringly dull and painfully arrogant speeches to every single Madrid member and he continues to pull the strings, getting Fernando Martín removed and keeping everyone on tenterhooks while they wait to find out which candidate he blesses this summer. On July 2, there will be a continuity candidacy, which begs the question: continue what? Wasting money and winning nowt?
Stupidest threat
Fernando Martín's announcement of a Secret Police at Real Madrid, a footballing Big Brother to keep his players on the straight and narrow. As if keeping Cassano and Ronaldo narrow was that easy.
Saddest attempt to divert attention from your rivals' success
Real Madrid's outgoing president Fernando the Brief, who called a press conference to announce his departure with five minutes remaining in Barça's Champions League semi-final against AC Milan. Anything to keep a Barça triumph from the front page.
Worst decision
Osasuna, for flogging the rights to name their stadium. At the Sadar, they racked up nine wins in nine; at the Reyno de Navarra, they immediately lost the first three. Luckily, it wasn't enough to see them miss out on a Champions League place.
Best protest
Malaga's fans responded to their inevitable relegation by chanting, "You don't deserve to wear this shirt" and showering the pitch with replica kits, while some Betis nutters reacted to one particularly bad refereeing display by slashing his tyres. But they were beaten to the award by Real Madrid's Ultra Sur on the final game of the season. They put together a giant beach scene mosaic, complete with sun, sea and sand, and a banner that read, "after a year of holidays for you lot, now it's our turn", before spending the rest of the game playing with rubber rings, lilos, beach balls and inflatable sharks.
Most committed campaigner
Oleguer Presas wins this award hands down and fist up. The Barcelona defender is an outspoken opponent of the Iraq war, insisting: "The Spanish government, despite the clear rejection of the citizens, didn't hesitate to join the invasion - or maybe that should be 'slaughter'", and has likened Barcelona winning the league to Catalunya holding back the Francoist troops. In Road to Ithaca, a book he launched at a Barcelona squat, Oleguer writes: "We imagine ourselves halting that pack of tanks, responding to their bullets with our anthems and song, and laughing in the face of the fascist ire of those military men."
Biggest waste of money
Just pipping Antonio Cassano and Patrick Kluivert to this award is Real Madrid's hubris-fest, Real, the Movie. It cost over 6m euros to make and grossed $179,689.
Biggest disappointment
Atlético Madrid. Again. The club who have had more false dawns than Truman Burbank now get to keep this award for good.
Worst player
Raúl.
Best match
Sevilla's breathless 4-3 victory over Madrid on Final Day Part II stands out, as does Barcelona's 3-3 draw with Depor in La Coruña, along with any number of superb displays from their 14-game winning run. But the winner comes from Madrid. In a season where Madrid weren't just rubbish but painfully dull week after week one game bucked the trend for football, excitement, commitment and atmosphere: the Copa del Rey semi-final second leg against Zaragoza. Trailing 6-1 from the first leg, Real Madrid nearly pulled off a miracle, Cicinho smashing a unstoppable rocket of a shot into the net on just 58 seconds and Madrid adding two more within 10 minutes. With half an hour to go, Madrid were 4-0 up and looked set for the greatest recovery ever. Sadly, it was not to be. Even more sadly, it was a one-off: Madrid quickly returned to boring their fans, while the fans quickly forgot how good it can be when they actually make some noise.
Best goal
Ronaldinho waltzed through to score two so good that even the Santiago Bernabéu stood to applaud and Getafe full-back Mariano Pernía staged his very own goal of the year competition, scoring 10 times including a staggering volley against Barcelona and a Johnny Metgod-style 600-yard always-rising free kick against Espanyol. But the winner is David Villa, who scored from the halfway line against Deportivo. On the turn.
Best goal-scoring celebration Might have been Samuel Eto'o's Black Power salute at the Bernabéu only no one in Spain even noticed, so instead there's another award for Jonathan Woodgate. He scored a towering header against Athletic Bilbao and immediately sprinted over to the bench where he leapt into the arms of club doctor Alfonso Del Corral. Alas, he hardly left them for the rest of the year.
Best manager
Candidates included Juan Carlos Oliva, who turned Alavés round in five weeks only to be sacked by genius president Dimitry Piterman; Juande Ramos, who oversaw Sevilla's most successful season ever; Fernando Vázquez, who brought Celta de Vigo up and took them to a Uefa Cup place; and Javier Aguirre, who took Osasuna to the best finish in their history and a first Champions League spot. But, having won the league and the European Cup, the award really has to go to plant-loving quiet man Frank Rijkaard.
Best player
3rd. David Villa. Lethal.
2nd. Samuel Eto'o. Fractionally more lethal.
1st. Ronaldinho. Ludicrously good.
Team of the year
G: Santiago Cañizares, Valencia
RB: Dani Alvés, Sevilla
CB: Rafa Márquez, Barcelona
CB: Gonzalo Rodríguez, Villarreal
LB: Mariano Pernía, Getafe
RM: Jesús Navas, Sevilla
CM: Marcos Senna, Villarreal
CM: Ronaldinho, Barcelona
LM: Ewerthon, Zaragoza
S: Samuel Eto'o, Barcelona
S: David Villa, Valencia
Subs: González (Real Sociedad); Deco, Xavi and Messi (Barça); Ramos and Woodgate (Real Madrid), Silva and Oubiña (Celta); Maresca and Palop (Sevilla); García (Osasuna); Riquelme (Villarreal); Albiol (Valencia); Rivas (Getafe); Arango (Mallorca). And finally, quotes of the year "Does David Beckham have to fall down and die for me to be allowed to substitute him?" - Vanderlei Luxemburgo gets dangerously close to the truth.
"From now on, we will play with hombres no con nombres [men, not names]" - Juan Ramón López Caro on the day Florentino Pérez finally resigned. From now on.
"The
are mad. If we want to enjoy ourselves, we'll go to the pub" - Javier Aguirre responds to his players' claims that they are going to the Camp Nou to enjoy themselves. "There is consensus as long as I agree" - Alavés president Dimitry Piterman lays it on the line.
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