David says we can’t talk to anyone tonight. Don’t think he means you, Diary, but I still shan’t tell him just in case.
Hurt my knee playing in the Poland game, but it wasn’t my fault. Am a bit annoyed that Mr Eriksson didn’t take me off before I was injured. I think I let him know I blame him – I might call the players out on this one. Maybe he doesn’t realise who holds the real power in this England team.
Sven also played David with really sore ribs. I told David I thought he should play and prove everyone wrong, but I told Sven that David is unfit to captain England, and that if he didn’t make me captain, I’d call the players out on strike. That’s probably why he let me hurt my knee.
Bit worried about Sir - he might get a bit toppy with me if it’s a long injury and make me retire from international football like Scholesey. He’s already told Wayne that he’ll get a ‘recurrence of his ankle injury’ the next time he’s called up.
If he asks about my sore knee, I’ll say Phil did it while we were playing swingball.
We were really, really angry with the press so David and I decided that we wouldn’t speak to them afterwards. David’s been shouting a lot lately. He really went mad about Jamesey being compared to a donkey. He loves donkeys. Stevie was also angry, and even Mickey. But when he shouts he sounds like a girl.
I’m going to tell David that I saw that snitch Owen Hargreaves talking to a naked woolly-haired man in the toilet. The old man had fallen over - he smelt like Sir. I think his name was Jeff. The old man said he’d couldn’t think of anything to write about and it was all our fault. I was watching over the door in the loos. Again.
Must remember to say ‘toilets’ rather than ‘loos’ to David. That word seems to make David shout louder.
Getting on really well with Smiffy now - he’s a brilliant friend and might become my bestest ever. He brought me a cup of hot chocolate and some Polish jam. He also said we should buy Sir some Polish water. I tried a bit. It made my mouth hurt.
Thursday
Can’t stop thinking about how David and Mickey are getting all pally-pally. I can’t stand Mickey - he’s always following me and David around at England games. I think Mickey must have been saying things about me in Spain. He’s even tried to grow some facial hair like me and David. But he can’t grow a big bushy moustache like me – bet he’s cutting off some of his other hair and sticking it on his face with cow glue.
And we all know that doesn’t work.
Sir really likes the Polish water we got him. He’s been in the office all day. Someone said they heard a noise and a chair fall over. I checked but it was just Sir sleeping on the floor again - he does it all the time. Sir works so hard.
Friday
Me, Smiffy and Phil met up with Wayne at the training ground. He was very shy – not like it says in the newspapers. I said to Phil that he should cover himself up with bin liners and put on Diego’s lucky goal-scoring cowboy hat (it’s as good as new). When Wayne came in, Phil said: “Eh, fancy a £45 bunk-up, la?” in his best Jamie Carragher dirty Scouse voice. Wayne went bright red and stormed out.
I caught up with Wayne and told him that Phil was a silly-billy idiot and it was all his idea and that I was sorry I laughed. I asked Sir to put Phil on the transfer list for Christmas. Wayne thought that was funny. I think he hero-worships me.
Saw Smiffy coming out of Sir’s office at least five times. If I see him do it again without asking me I’m going to stop talking to him forever, and tell Roy that Smiffy called him a Paula after he pulled out of a tackle in training…
I really have gone off Smiffy - he’s a real smiffy bum cleaner...
Saturday
Watched the Bolton game in Sir’s office - had a look at Sir’s diary. I find this hard to write down, but Sir has been to see Glen Johnson and his agent twice this year. He hasn’t even got a moustache! I’ve never cried so much. I can’t believe Sir would do this, I’ve given everything to him. I’m the best right-back in the country. And I play for the best team in the whole wide world ever.
I was crying so much that my throat was sore so I drank some of Sir’s cold tea that he keeps on his desk. I can’t remember anything after that. I woke up in the showers in the dark with nothing on. I’m really scared. I think I may have been abducted by aliens.
Sunday
Sir’s office was smashed to pieces last night - he’s very upset that all his cold tea has gone missing. I can’t imagine who would want to smash up Sir’s office. And if I catch who did it I will give them the hardest Chinese burn in the whole world ever.
I told Sir that I had seen Licky Butt write on the board in the changing rooms that Sir was a Red Face. Nicky was angry with Sir when he left for Newcastle. Sir said to Nicky: “You’re dead to me now” (at least I think that’s what he said as Sir can be difficult to understand when he gets really, really angry).
Sir was very pleased to hear my information about Nicky. He definitely won’t be talking to Glen Johnson again.
Monday
It's not fair, not fair, not fair. I can't play for a month. The only good news is that Phil is my replacement so I know my place is perfectly safe.
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