Liverpool FC Forum

[The Ace1983]

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One says to the other "Do you fancy going in there and getting faced?"

[Woollyback]

two yuppies standing in a wine bar, one says to the other "why've you got that hands-free kit for your phone you w@nker?"

[Roger Red Hat]

TWO NUNSThere were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

[The Ace1983]

Once upon a time there was this fairy godmother. She worked very hard all the year round and because of this, the FGHC (fairy godmother high council) rewarded her with a dream holiday to Africa where she could see al of the animals she loved.

When she arrived in Africa she started off looking at the pyramids in Egypt, Table mountain in South Africa and all the other sites before she went on safari. Now being a fairy godmaother means that you are magical so she went off on her own with no worries.

As she was flying over a watering hole she heard this loud crying. She looked around and saw, sitting by the waters edge, a little yellow frog balling his little eyes out. She landed next to it and asked it what was wrong.
"It's not fair (sob), all my froggy friends are (sob) green and they pick on me because I'm (sob) yellow" said the frog.
"Well" said the fairy godmother "I could help you. I am on holiday but I don't mind one exception for you. Say 'I wish I was green'"
So the frog said this and she waved her wand and "whoosh" he was green.
"This is fantastic" said the frog "This is amazing and brillient, I can't... Hey! wait a minute. What about my dick, it's still yellow"
"Ah, well, there are some things that a fairy can't do. But on my travels I met a wizard who could help you" said the fairy godmother.
"Oh... I know the one. Thank-you very much" said the frog as he hoped off to see the wizard.

So the fairy godmother went off to enjoy her holiday again, but it wasn't too long before she heard an even louder crying. She settled down and saw hiding under a big tree, a huge, pink rhino.
"What's wrong with you?" She asked.
"What do you mean 'what's wrong with me?' I'm bloody pink! That's what's wrong with me. All my grey mates take the all the time, it's (sob) terrible"
"Well I'm a fairy godmother, and I supposeI could help you out"
"yeah?" said the Rhino
"alright" said the fairy godmother "just say 'Iwish I was grey'
So he said it and she waved her wand and 'whoosh' he was grey.
"Nice one luv!" said the rhino " this fantas... er... you missed a bit"
"Ah, well, there are somethings that even a fairy godmother can't do, but there is a wizard near here who can sort you out"
The rhino burst out crying again
"I (sob) don't (sob) know the way (sob)" he said. "How do I (sob) find the wizard?"
"Oh that's easy" replied the fairy godmother "just follow the yellow pricked toad"

[neil]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we Could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex". "But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with
the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer datmuch?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet !".

well if I've been sent this, you can read it as well.

[Judge]

Welcome back to the fold RB   According to your post count you joined this month and have notched up 1508 posts. Given that it's only the 5th of December that equates to an impressive 300 posts per day, that's only about 4 less than judge!

Welcome back you f*ckin spammer!      

lmfao 

its 5 less than me, not 4 

[dawson99]

what do you call a woman with a motorway between her t!ts?


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Mrs Neville!!!!

[Garymac]

Why does Noddy wear a bell on his hat?

Cos he's a t*at 

[The Red Baron]

Why has an elephant got big ears.
































































Coz Noddy wont pay the ransom

[Judge]

for our antipodian inmates on here

sing to tune of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the bush
In a rusty Holden Ute
Kicking up the dust
Esky in the boot
Kelpie by my side
Singing Christmas songs
It's summer time and I am in
My singlet, shorts and thongs

Chorus

Oh, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia
On a scorching summer's day HEY
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Christmas time is beaut!
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a rusty Holden Ute!

Engines getting hot
We dodge the kangaroos
Swaggy climbs aboard
He is welcome too
All the family's there
Sitting by the pool
Christmas day, (yell) THE AUSSIE WAY
by the barbecue!

~chorus~

Come the afternoon
Grandpa has a doze
The kids and uncle Bruce
Are swimming in their clothes
The time comes round to go
We take a family snap
Then pack the car and
ALL SHOOT THROUGH
Before the washing up!

~chorus~

[Judge]

You've heard the tale of Robin Hood,
and how he did poor people good.
But there's more to this story,
of Sherwood forests pride and glory.
At night when all the robbing was done,
the merry men would have their fun.
In fact it would be fair to say,
the merry men were quite GAY.
As little John starts to unwind,
Robin takes it from behind,
and as they frolic in the grass,
Robin takes it up the arse.
One day when they were all at play,
a cute maiden came their way.
She walked up to Friar Tuck and asked
if he would like a FUCK.
Little John couldn't believe his ears,
she 's offering sex to al us queers.
As he recovers from the shock,
Robin presents her with his cock.
For Marian this was sheer bliss,
as he fullfilled her every wish.
When all was done she gave a whine.
Thanks boys for a lovely time.
But for this pleasure,
you must pay.
I've got pox have anice day.
Listen here said Friar Tuck,
we don't even give a fuck.
the jokes on you, you silly cow.
We've got AID's whose fucked now?

[Judge]

for the festive among us

On the 12th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me,
twelve chavvers chavving,
eleven prammers pushing,
ten lads joy-riding,
nine ladies drinking,
eight midriffes showing,
seven scallies stealing,
six teens a-laying,
fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs,
four stolen phones,
three navel studs,
two tracksuit tops
and a pikey in Burberry

[wrighty (not mark!)]

The FA's proposed move to make Gary Glitter England manager has collapsed because he tried to put seaman in the under-15's.

[Puddy Heskey]

This has got to win.

In vietnam they dont celebrate xmass.





But this year i hear there hanging glitter.


Oh god i love it.

[wrighty (not mark!)]

COCKLE PICKERS WANTED

2 MONTHS WORK

Just something to tide you over