Liverpool FC Forum

[red37]

F*cking hell....talk about the ground opening and wishing it would swallow yer up.  Today, i had one of my most embarrassing episodes happen. 

I was at work and this absolute belter of a bird gets on me bus, i mean she was SOLID GOLD. Big ar5e, huge tits, long dark hair - eyes like Cleopatra with a cob on and a gob you wouldn't mind losing a few inches in.  F*ck me - she was......Stunning.

So, i gets a smile (oh aye...) and a nice whiff of Issey Miyake (sends me into testosterone mode anyway, that pong)

And she asks for a ticket - i knock one out (from the machine )  Was considering at this point asking if she wanted any help carrying her shopping home.

Anyway.....what happens next Tuffers? I hear you ask

I had a f. u c k i n g  sneeze coming didnt i...a BIG knarly, f*ck off mucus blast.

BOSH! out it came....all over me f*cking hand in full view   

Oh well. Hope you've all had yer tea! 

[Greavesie]

class

there's a thing on facebook about a student that put his full loan (£4,400) on Angola to beat Mali when they were 4:0 up. He only had £44 to gain. Mali pulled it back in the last 10 minutes. Oops

there's always someone worse off mate

[Number 9]

F*cking hell....talk about the ground opening and wishing it would swallow yer up.  Today, i had one of my most embarrassing episodes happen. 

I was at work and this absolute belter of a bird gets on me bus, i mean she was SOLID GOLD. Big ar5e, huge tits, long dark hair - eyes like Cleopatra with a cob on and a gob you wouldn't mind losing a few inches in.  F*ck me - she was......Stunning.

So, i gets a smile (oh aye...) and a nice whiff of Issey Miyake (sends me into testosterone mode anyway, that pong)

And she asks for a ticket - i knock one out (from the machine )  Was considering at this point asking if she wanted any help carrying her shopping home.

Anyway.....what happens next Tuffers? I hear you ask

I had a f. u c k i n g  sneeze coming didnt i...a BIG knarly, f*ck off mucus blast.

BOSH! out it came....all over me f*cking hand in full view   

Oh well. Hope you've all had yer tea! 

I hope hope you said..."look what you made me do! Fancy making me blow out a hole thats about two foot lower"??

[roberto green]

I have one better than that mate.

My brother was looking after me dads pub while me dad and his girl went to Spain, so me brother was looking after the bar and stayed above the pub for 3-4 days.Anyway on one of them days the locals in the pub were watching the racing as usual on the tv's that are placed around the pub when all of a sudden porn comes on the telly and all the ald fellas were loving it so the girl working behind the bar at the time phones up and says Neil (my brother) come down here a sec I need you.So he comes down in nothing but a pair of shorts and when she points at the screen they all started laughing at him.To his embarrasment he denied it but then one of the locals said "look you even have sweat on your head".

My brother story was very different, he told me he was up stairs watching the telly the way you do with those dodgy remote controls and he had pressed it so much that it was trying to catch up with its self and in the meantime he had gone the kitchen to make himself some food.

Of course this wasn't the truth, the dirty little BA5T@RD didn't realise it was linked to downstairs in the pub and was watching porn while sharing it with all the pub and then got caught out by coming down in just his shorts with sweat on his head.


He still tries to deny it.

[made in UK]

  A well told story Red.

I have told this story on here before and I still find it quite amusing and have never lived it down.

It was a Saturday and I was doing a private job for this woman in St.Albans, installing a new central heating boiler in her flat. Her block of flats were only a low rise five floors or something like that in total. Having so few floors the block of flats didn't have lifts. Anyway I started carting all my tools upto her flat to start the job. About an hour into the job she tells me shes off to Ladbrooke groove in London and that when I'm finnished just to pull the door shut.

An hour or so after that I was coming near to the end of the job and started taking down the tools to the van that I didn't need. I was walking up and down those stairs a few times with bits of rubbish, sand and cement, tools etc. So I had been making trips down to the van all day long, but even more so when the job neared the end.

On this occassion walking back up the stairs from the van I walked along the corridor only to find that this ladies front door had swung shut. 'feck!' some of my tools are still in there, the gas isn't turned on and tested and the water is still off. I needed to get back into the flat and of course being a flat you had windows either side of the front door to the bathroom and kitchen. The bathroom window luckily for me was open (a saving grace fro me as I had no other way of getting back inside) so I was very relieved to see the bathroom window a jar. I hauled myself up onto the window, got me leg over the ledge while knocking over all the soaps and cosmetic bottles that were on the ledge. I got my head in the bathroom and I could see the hallway carpet through the adjoining door between the bathroom and hallway. I thought to myself, 'I don't remember that ugly patterned carpet on the floor in the hallway'. Never the less I fumbled my way into the bathroom.

I took a few steps into the hallway of this flat, turned the corner and down the other end of the hallway was the lounge. A young women was sitting there with two babies in her arms absolutely petrified! At that moment in time I myself was petrified to for climbing into someones flat (the wrong flat) this young girl would of heard me knocking all the shampoo bottles off the ledge as I was coming through her window (poor girl just froze). I babbled some excuse to her when I came into eye to eye contact, she didn't say a word and proceeded to sit there dumb founded with her two babies like a stunned mullet. I couldn't get out of her front door quick enough and fumbled me way out of undoing the lock on her door. Once I got out side her flat I bolted around to the stairs, scatching my head in disbelief that I'd 1) climbed through the wrong flat window and 2) how the feck did I manage to do such a stupid thing. I think I was still in shook as for some reason I took off up the stairs to the next flight of stairs. I came to the next level of the flats the 4th as opposed to the 3rd and realised my mistake. I had been making a few trips up and down to the van all day and on this last occassion managed toto end up on the 3rd floor, not the 4th.

I walked along the corridor to her flat and there it was, the front door still open tools in place.

[Igor Zidane]

When i worked on the ships in pompey k'nell 20 years ago now . I was in a night club called Joanna's (spanners ) to the navy . Anyway i was chatting up this really fit bird ,i couldn't believe my luck . So we goes onto one of the couche's in the back there to finish our conversation . This girl really loved herself and she was proper fit like .So i'm snogging the face of her thinking i'm well in here . Next thing ,you know when you feel a burp coming on dead quick and you can't do much about it .Well i thought it was just a burp so i was a tad bevvied and carried on snogging her . Next thing i just puked up in her gob and over her dress and everywhere . I'd been drinking newky browns most of the day and then went onto some cocktail with blackcurrant in it .So it was like this dark red and black coloured stuff everywhere . The girls just started screaming and crying and everthing and me mates were p!sing themselves laughing . I just didn't know what to say or do , so i asked her if i could still have her number ,to which she grabbed the nearest bottle or glass or something and lashed it at me . Hit me on me back as i turned but never hurt really . Twas a tad embarrassing that.

Come to think of it ,she probably wasn't that fit actually , but there you go.

[made in UK]

When i worked on the ships in pompey k'nell 20 years ago now . I was in a night club called Joanna's (spanners ) to the navy . Anyway i was chatting up this really fit bird ,i couldn't believe my luck . So we goes onto one of the couche's in the back there to finish our conversation . This girl really loved herself and she was proper fit like .So i'm snogging the face of her thinking i'm well in here . Next thing ,you know when you feel a burp coming on dead quick and you can't do much about it .Well i thought it was just a burp so i was a tad bevvied and carried on snogging her . Next thing i just puked up in her gob and over her dress and everywhere . I'd been drinking newky browns most of the day and then went onto some cocktail with blackcurrant in it .So it was like this dark red and black coloured stuff everywhere . The girls just started screaming and crying and everthing and me mates were p!sing themselves laughing . I just didn't know what to say or do , so i asked her if i could still have her number ,to which she grabbed the nearest bottle or glass or something and lashed it at me . Hit me on me back as i turned but never hurt really . Twas a tad embarrassing that.

Come to think of it ,she probably wasn't that fit actually , but there you go.

Legend!

[Kharhaz]

I remember a couple of times when I worked in the hotel. I was chatting to this lass called Gemma, we were getting along nicely then she gave me her number. Organised a night out for when im not working and it was all innocent on my part. She was a friend of someone who worked at the hotel with me so I thought nothing off it. Until the next morning. As my missus was fishing change out of my trousers she came across the number, and decided to ring Gemma up. Needless to say I got it in the neck from my missus and suffered all night at work through constant p!ss taking !

Another scenario. There was a small party going on in one of our function rooms celebrating some girls 18th birthday. Mostly girls, and as the night went on I was flirting left right and center. The last girl I was flirting with was the girl who turned 18. She knew me, and my missus, and my oldest kid...as she babysat him when we went out ! Needless to say I stopped flirting and generally decided its best to just shut up, I was already in trouble over the Gemma incident !

[Rush Job]

When i worked on the ships in pompey k'nell 20 years ago now . I was in a night club called Joanna's (spanners ) to the navy . Anyway i was chatting up this really fit bird ,i couldn't believe my luck . So we goes onto one of the couche's in the back there to finish our conversation . This girl really loved herself and she was proper fit like .So i'm snogging the face of her thinking i'm well in here . Next thing ,you know when you feel a burp coming on dead quick and you can't do much about it .Well i thought it was just a burp so i was a tad bevvied and carried on snogging her . Next thing i just puked up in her gob and over her dress and everywhere . I'd been drinking newky browns most of the day and then went onto some cocktail with blackcurrant in it .So it was like this dark red and black coloured stuff everywhere . The girls just started screaming and crying and everthing and me mates were p!sing themselves laughing . I just didn't know what to say or do , so i asked her if i could still have her number ,to which she grabbed the nearest bottle or glass or something and lashed it at me . Hit me on me back as i turned but never hurt really . Twas a tad embarrassing that.

Come to think of it ,she probably wasn't that fit actually , but there you go.

If you wasnt so pished it might have been embarrassing. 

[Sabre]

LOL good thread.

There are two kind of shame I think, the one you can feel for yourself, and the one you feel for a friend, for instance when you are with him and he behaves badly.

On the first front, shame on my self, I remember one from childhood and another one a few years back.

In childhood I was at school, and I had one of this erections you suffer sometimes, and I was told "Ivan, to the blackboard".

I can't, I answered. To the blackboard, they insisted. I don't know doing the exercise! I tried. To the blackboard!! he shouted the fúcker. I refused. I was wearing sport trousers if anyone is wondering. And my fúcking thing wasn't aware of my terror it seems, because it remained hard, the bástard.

The fúcking bástard came along grabbed me and made me stand up. Probably the most embarrasing moment in my life.

The other one some years ago, when I sit down in work and my old trousers went RAAAAAAASH, big hole in the juncture, about this size <--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------>. But well, I put my jersey on the back, tied, (something that we used to do a lot in the eighties and is not done any more) and I solved the problem.

--------

As for shame for others, I remember one related to what Red37 says. We enter a lift, a friend of mine, and a super fit girl. I Knew the girl because she's one of those she won't say hello never to anybody, a hard to conquer girl, and my friend knew this.

Then she started smiling, I was surprised, I look at my friend, and he had that terrible snot hanging in his nose. To make things worse, he starts smiling too, as in "I know I have a attractive smile". She kept smiling. He kept smiling trying to put an interesting face. I tried to make signs, he wouldn't see me.

You had to see his face when she left in the fourth floor and my friend saw his face in the mirror