Liverpool FC Forum

by **Chrissy** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 10:53 pm

...help!

Any funny jokes or facts (and I am trying NOT to spam here i checked for a similar thread)

Latest Ive heard:
There was a guy walking down a high street who was the worlds top authority on wasps. As he was going about his business, he noticed an 'LP' in a record shop window entitled 'Wasp Music'. Seeing as he was the worlds top authority on wasps, he wanted to hear this. So he went inside and asked for a demo. "Good Afternoon sir" said the shop assistant. "Hello, I am the world top authority on wasps and I would like a demo of the was music LP in the window please."
"Ok sir, 2 seconds..". The assistant goes to the window, get the record and puts it on. For the next few minutes the shop is filled with a 'Bzzzz, Bzzzzzzzzzzz, bzz Bzz' sound. "Excuse me" says the wasp guy.. "That isnt a wasp".
"But the label says wasp music, sir" says the assistant.
"Im telling you, I am the worlds TOP AUTHORITY on wasps, and THAT is not a wasp!"
"Let me just check sir".
The assitant goes to the record, and after a minute comes back looking slightly bemused.
He says, "Well sir, Ill give you your dues, you know your stuff, I put the 'B' side on!!"

by **drummerphil** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 10:57 pm

Everton..............................

it always makes me píss myself laughing... :laugh:

by **Mikz** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:01 pm

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

by **neil** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:07 pm

man confronts his wife after coming in from the pub with a sheep under his arm, he says "what do you think of the pig?" and the wife says "thats not a pig its a sheep" he replies " I was talkin to the sheep"

by **kazza 1** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:11 pm

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream.
"What was that!?" she asks.
"Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."
"Ouch," she blurts.
Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.
St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."
Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell."
He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!"
The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that

by **drummerphil** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:20 pm

i found out recently that either myself or one of my brother or sisters were adopted...............let me see..........

theres susan,brenda,simon,chan ling chi,peter and bob..........

if i had to guess i would go for bob never been totally sure about him ..........

by **Dundalk** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:31 pm

We use to have a quicksand pit out the back of our house.

I was an only child......eventually

by **kazza 1** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 12:08 am

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring." The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo." The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself.

by **kazza 1** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 1:51 am

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

by **kazza 1** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 1:52 am

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the dummy out of his :censored:

."

by **Dundalk** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 3:01 am

Three little ducks go into a Bar.............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of
puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

by **Chrissy** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 10:15 pm

Quality

A man and wife went to church every sunday, but the wife was constantly falling asleep whilst there. So the man had a word with the vicar about it.
"Vicar, what can I do to stop my wife falling asleep in church?"
"Ah, I can help you there my friend. Take this pin, and every time I see her dozing off, I will give you a nod and you can prod her to wake her up.!
"Ok" replies the man.
Next sundy, the husband and wife go into church and sit down. The sermon starts and after 10 minutes, the wife is nodding off. The vicar notices. He finishes his sentence... "And what did Mary say when she found out she was pregnant?"... and then gave a subtle nod. The man instantly prodded his wife. "OH my god!!" she shouted.
"Correct" said the vicar.
10 minutes later, she had nodded off again, and so finished his sentence... "And what did god name his son?"... then gave a subtle nod. "Jesus!" the wife screams, as she gets pricked again. "Well done said the vicar.
Another 10 minutes passes and the vicar is getting into his sermon. He says "And what did Eve say to Adam after they had sex for the 25th time?" and becuase the vicar is getting so energetic, the man misinterprets his movements as a signal. He prods his wife.
She screams... "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME ILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR A.RSE!"
"Right again" says the vicar

by **Chrissy** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:31 pm

Also, instead of startin a new thread, I would like to point out how quality the new 'Branston beans' ad is.

If only all tins could sing like that whilst you ate your beans...

by **kazza 1** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:35 pm

by **Chrissy** » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:36 pm

Wats that for?

Liverpool FC Forum

I need a laugh - I havent heard a lot funny recently..

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