Liverpool FC Forum

by **account deleted by request** » Sun Jul 29, 2007 9:19 am

It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was actually invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat

Bristol Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Andy, a big West Country lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Andy, like most West Country Boys, had little sense but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Andy was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £500?

Andy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Andy announced that he would accept their offer but only under three conditions:

"First," he said: "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Andy: "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500."

by **metalhead** » Sun Jul 29, 2007 11:08 am

s@int wrote:It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was actually invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat

Bristol Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Andy, a big West Country lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Andy, like most West Country Boys, had little sense but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Andy was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £500?

Andy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Andy announced that he would accept their offer but only under three conditions:

"First," he said: "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Andy: "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500."

hehehehe!

by **scouser 'til I die** » Sun Jul 29, 2007 4:20 pm

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..."
and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo
Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door,
and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with
the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the
middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis,
return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there
quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to £738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine
while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but
then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in
my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my arse

by **Dundalk** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 11:12 am

What has a cordless drill and the top two divisions of English football got in common?

They have no Leeds

by **Dundalk** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 5:29 pm

by **scouser 'til I die** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 6:04 pm

Dundalk wrote:

by **Judge** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:34 am

s@int wrote:It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was actually invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat

actually, the english inventor didnt modify the seat, he made the irish version the toilet lid

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 4:24 pm

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2
of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. "
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been
arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My
neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
building the Arkin in my garden because it is development of the site even
though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. The
Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too
steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the
Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs
of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would
be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So,
forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it"

by **scouser 'til I die** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 4:41 pm

s@int wrote:In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2
of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. "
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been
arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My
neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
building the Arkin in my garden because it is development of the site even
though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. The
Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too
steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the
Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs
of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would
be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So,
forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it"

hehe so true, heres one:

A blind man with his guide dog walked into a bar.

The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around
over his head.

The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you
doing?"

The blind man replies,"Just looking around."

:laugh:

Bit silly like but i found it funny anways

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:02 pm

Reminded me of this one (sorry it's a bit sick

)

A woman is giving birth in a maternity ward. The birth has been going on for hours and the staff have grouped together in a valiant effort to bring the child into the world.
8 hours in, only a single midwife and the chief of staff remain. Drenched with sweat and losing hope by the second, the two are exhausted and struggling to control the increasingly erratic mother-to-be with every drug under the sun.
12 hours into the labor. Only the head doctor remains, steely-eyed and determined to finish the job. With one last heave, he wrenches the child from its half-concious mother and hoists it into the air triumphantly by one leg, before giving it a customary slap on the :censored:

, old school.
He then grabs the other leg, and swings the baby round in a perfect arc, smashing it off the edge of the bed. He then spins round in a hammer-throwing fashion and launches the baby acorss the room. Just as the baby is airborne he spins around deftly and scoops up a handful of medical equipment, and with pinpoint precision hurls the handful of metal at the child, which is promptly pinned dead against the far wall at the moment of impact.
The babys mother is by this time screaming and thrashing around in her bed 'NOOOO MY BABY NOOOOOOOO WHYYYY' and as the doctor swaggers up to her, he gives her a playful slap on the back and says, "I'm just kidding, it was already dead".

by **Igor Zidane** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:05 pm

Your right saint that's just sick.

by **scouser 'til I die** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:51 pm

I would have laughed at that joke had it not have been writen by u saint

payback for insulting my jokes

by **scouser 'til I die** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:01 pm

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight.

Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries,

"Make me feel like a woman one more time!"

Rising to the occasion, the man tears off his shirt and says "Here, iron this."

by **account deleted by request** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:43 pm

by **red37** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:35 pm

scouser 'til I die wrote:Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight.

Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries,

"Make me feel like a woman one more time!"

Rising to the occasion, the man tears off his shirt and says "Here, iron this."

Like it.

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