Reminds me of a joke everyone already knows:
How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?
...
...
...
...
Marry her.
The Real World - The Dog and Gorilla
by Lando_Griffin » Thu Mar 08, 2007 4:11 am
Reminds me of a joke everyone already knows:
How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?
...
...
...
...
Marry her.
Rafa Benitez - An unfinished Legend.
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Lando_Griffin - >> LFC Elite Member <<
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by account deleted by request » Thu Mar 08, 2007 4:25 am
Or the old one - Whats the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner?
A vacuum cleaner still sucks after five years
A vacuum cleaner still sucks after five years
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by Woollyback » Thu Mar 08, 2007 12:40 pm
what's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
your wife will always blow your bonus
your wife will always blow your bonus
b*ll*c*ks and s*i*e
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Woollyback - >> LFC Elite Member <<
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by account deleted by request » Fri Mar 09, 2007 4:30 pm
dawson99 wrote:why do women wear make up and perfume?
because they smell and they're ugly
I would stop using that as my chatup line if I was you Dawson
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by account deleted by request » Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:10 pm
dawson99 wrote:once ive paid them i can say what i like
You always crack me up - account deleted by request
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by account deleted by request » Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:28 pm
According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on
record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.
-The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of
their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a degree that
the men literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New
Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them
look up to 17 inches long.
-The most common fantasy is oral sex.
-8% of people have regular anal sex.
-60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
-Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
-In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with
two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases
of men similarly endowed.
-A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release
of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to
have sex.
-56% of men have had sex at work.
-Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love
an average of three times a night, every night, until their
thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.
-1 in 3 people have had an extramarital affair.
-62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.
-The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to
brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.
-At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt
to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more
powerful orgasm.
-England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a
special table built so that he could comfortably engage in
sexual intercourse.
-29% of people are virgins when they marry.
-The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
-58% like dirty talk during sex.
-22% rent porno flicks at least once.
-It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the
sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as
possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and
ribbon.
-Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would
take the typical American couple more than four years to try
every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.
-According to the World Health Organization, there are
approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
-When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each
other, they shake penises instead of hands.
-Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
-Average # of erections during the night: 9
Strange But True Sex Laws...
-A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex
with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal
charges, the woman's name will be published in the local
newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
-A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to
make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions,
or sardines.
-In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room
to witness the act.
-In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the
front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
-In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex
with a virgin under any circumstances.
(including the wedding night)
-In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male
animal is punishable by death.
-A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a
saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds,
two ounces.
-A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while
fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
-In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with
a woman and her daughter at the same time.
-In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
-Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide
a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the
law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the
nightshirts.
-In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
-Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
-Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally
sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to
jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
-Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching
two people having sex in a car.
-In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex
on the city's airport property.
-The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
-In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a
truck driver inside a toll booth.
-In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of
beer while lying in bed with his wife.
-There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam
law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
-If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is
having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three
times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the
scene.
-In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.)
-In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to
have sex without a permit.
-In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his
female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.
-The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of
their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a degree that
the men literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New
Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them
look up to 17 inches long.
-The most common fantasy is oral sex.
-8% of people have regular anal sex.
-60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
-Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
-In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with
two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases
of men similarly endowed.
-A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release
of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to
have sex.
-56% of men have had sex at work.
-Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love
an average of three times a night, every night, until their
thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.
-1 in 3 people have had an extramarital affair.
-62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.
-The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to
brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.
-At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt
to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more
powerful orgasm.
-England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a
special table built so that he could comfortably engage in
sexual intercourse.
-29% of people are virgins when they marry.
-The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
-58% like dirty talk during sex.
-22% rent porno flicks at least once.
-It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the
sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as
possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and
ribbon.
-Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would
take the typical American couple more than four years to try
every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.
-According to the World Health Organization, there are
approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
-When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each
other, they shake penises instead of hands.
-Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
-Average # of erections during the night: 9
Strange But True Sex Laws...
-A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex
with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal
charges, the woman's name will be published in the local
newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
-A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to
make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions,
or sardines.
-In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room
to witness the act.
-In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the
front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.
-In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex
with a virgin under any circumstances.
(including the wedding night)
-In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male
animal is punishable by death.
-A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a
saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds,
two ounces.
-A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while
fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
-In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with
a woman and her daughter at the same time.
-In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
-Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide
a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the
law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the
nightshirts.
-In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
-Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
-Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally
sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to
jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
-Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching
two people having sex in a car.
-In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex
on the city's airport property.
-The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
-In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a
truck driver inside a toll booth.
-In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of
beer while lying in bed with his wife.
-There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam
law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
-If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is
having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three
times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the
scene.
-In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.)
-In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to
have sex without a permit.
-In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his
female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
- account deleted by request
- Posts: 20690
- Joined: Sun Apr 30, 2006 5:11 am
by account deleted by request » Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:34 pm
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for company.
On day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "that was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "what am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
And the moral of this story is……
…..don’t mess with old’uns…. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh!t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If only that was true!
On day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "that was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "what am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
And the moral of this story is……
…..don’t mess with old’uns…. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh!t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If only that was true!
Last edited by account deleted by request on Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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by account deleted by request » Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:43 pm
TRUE FACT:
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X),
because female sperm contain heavier genetic material,
which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
THEREFORE:
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring
because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the
"sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because
sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing
X sperm to win the "marathon."
CONCLUSION:
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big
one.
I have 2 girls and only one boy
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X),
because female sperm contain heavier genetic material,
which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
THEREFORE:
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring
because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the
"sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because
sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing
X sperm to win the "marathon."
CONCLUSION:
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big
one.
I have 2 girls and only one boy
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by Woollyback » Fri Mar 09, 2007 6:42 pm
s@int wrote:-56% of men have had sex at work.
please tell me none of them were undertakers
b*ll*c*ks and s*i*e
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Woollyback - >> LFC Elite Member <<
- Posts: 12400
- Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2004 3:11 pm
- Location: Manchester
by account deleted by request » Sat Mar 10, 2007 8:57 am
She stood on the bridge at midnight
selling matches by the box
She was once the very fairest
but now she's got the pox
selling matches by the box
She was once the very fairest
but now she's got the pox
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by dawson99 » Sat Mar 10, 2007 9:04 am
s@int wrote:She stood on the bridge at midnight
selling matches by the box
She was once the very fairest
but now she's got the pox
...ok
{i think saints been possessed!!!}
0118 999 881 999 119 7253
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dawson99 - >> LFC Elite Member <<
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- Location: in the mo fo hood y'all
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