Liverpool FC Forum

by **account deleted by request** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 8:04 pm

The 7 stages of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "Screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Stage seven for me now

by **account deleted by request** » Tue Mar 06, 2007 8:21 pm

Finally watched the Illusionist (had it for ages but couldn't get round to it) Incredible film, as good as if not better than The Prestige. Highly recommended.

by **shanks72** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 12:28 am

s@int wrote:The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Stage seven for me now

A lot of you men complain about lack of sex after marriage....

But surely it isn't the woman's fault... :glare:

Perhaps I shouldn't say this...but I'm not married (and don't wanna be), but I can't imagine I'd lose interest... :eyebrow

One of the chaps where I used to work always said...

'there is no such thing as sex after marriage'... :laugh:

by **account deleted by request** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 5:10 pm

Good afternoon all

An Octopus walked into a bar and says " I can play any musical Instrument you like"

Englishman hands him a guitar which he play better than Jimi Hendrix.

Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.

Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes - the octopus fumbles about for a few minutes and the scotsman says "Whats the matter can ye no play it"

The octopus says "Play it? Im gonna f**k her brains out once ive got her pyjamas off"

by **dawson99** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 6:36 pm

that is the worst joke i have ever heard saint

by **account deleted by request** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 7:12 pm

I have loads more much worse than that one

by **dawson99** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 7:19 pm

gonna be a long night

and your 7 stages of sex, there can be no such thing as smurf sex as all smurfs are asexual

there u go

by **account deleted by request** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 7:26 pm

A man goes to the doctors complaining that every time he gets sexually aroused his penis grows enormously and bursts through his trousers. The doctor advises him to chain it down and to avoid women. He follows the doctors orders for a couple of weeks with no problems.He does however start to become bored and decides to go to the cinema. To avoid stimulation he decides to go and see Bambi. Carefully avoiding any women he arrives at the cinema and quickly sits down. Before Bambi starts they show a preview of next weeks film, which is Debbi does Dallas.

Next day the headline in the paper is "Men killed by shrapnel, man seen hopping away on a pogo stick"

That joke is older than me

by **account deleted by request** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 7:30 pm

dawson99 wrote:gonna be a long night

and your 7 stages of sex, there can be no such thing as smurf sex as all smurfs are asexual

there u go

You shouldn't believe everything you see in a movie that has a 6' rabbit in it, Dawson. If Smurfs are asexual, where do baby Smurfs come from ?

by **account deleted by request** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 7:46 pm

Twenty ways to say your zips undone

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

by **account deleted by request** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 7:51 pm

Enough of the bad jokes, how are you Dawson, got a young friend yet?

When I re-read this it didn't sound very nice, sorry mate, have you got a young girlfriend yet Dawson. Dont want people to think you have no friends. No sex just puts you in the same boat as the rest of us

by **shanks72** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 12:55 am

Don't know why I posted what I did in reply to yours on the 7 stages of sex, Saint......think I was feeling 'high' after the L'pool win..

AND.... I have the ultimate respect for Ray Stubbs....after seeing him on the prog 'comic relief does fame academy' singing The Jam's 'Going Underground'.....

I wasn't actually watching it...I hasten to add....but walked into the front room as someone else had it on...

Initial horror(!)....soon turned to admiration as he got into the spirit of the song and I thought his performance was quite entertaining... :cool:

I don't think I will be able to look at him in the same light again..

by **dawson99** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 1:04 am

shanks has seen donnie darko! i salute u!!!

oh, and by the way:

the trouser snake is being charmed, i repeat, the trouser snake is being charmed

by **dawson99** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 1:33 am

the real world holiday has a bad start when someone tries the rope swing too early:

and i know we always have this, but its fricking awesome:

Gary Neville goes back to college:

by **account deleted by request** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 4:07 am

shanks72 wrote:Don't know why I posted what I did in reply to yours on the 7 stages of sex, Saint......think I was feeling 'high' after the L'pool win..

AND.... I have the ultimate respect for Ray Stubbs....after seeing him on the prog 'comic relief does fame academy' singing The Jam's 'Going Underground'.....

I wasn't actually watching it...I hasten to add....but walked into the front room as someone else had it on...

Initial horror(!)....soon turned to admiration as he got into the spirit of the song and I thought his performance was quite entertaining...

I don't think I will be able to look at him in the same light again..

Dont worry Shanks I am used to everything being my fault by now

Its not marriage that kills your sex life, it having children that kills it. Marriage just means you have to live with the rotting corpse

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