Liverpool FC Forum

by **dawson99** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:44 am

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Tommy Cooper

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
Tommy Cooper

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.
Tommy Cooper

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
Tommy Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Tommy Cooper

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Tommy Cooper

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
Tommy Cooper

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
Tommy Cooper

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Tommy Cooper

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."
Tommy Cooper

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Tommy Cooper

by **JBG** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 5:56 pm

I thought Tommy Cooper was particularly good in the lead role in Pirates of the Carribean.

by **112-1077774096** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 5:57 pm

i went to buy some camoflauge trousers yesterday, i couldnt find any

by **jonnymac1979** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:59 pm

This was good for a Monday morning actually, I sent it round the office this morning. :laugh:

by **RUSHIE#9** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:15 pm

Fine example dawson of why many of todays comedians are just rubbish when you compare them with the greats of the past like Tommy Cooper, Ronnie Barker & Eric Morecambe. They had the ability to be really funny without resorting to sexually explicit material or swearing. In 30 or 40 years who is going to be saying Chubby Brown or Lee evans are up there with the above names, i'm a big fan of Lee Evans but you have to admit that he ain't anywhere near the level of the above names. Chubby Brown is just a filthy pathetic fat guy dying on his big fat arse.

RAnt Over :;):

by **82-1074641017** » Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:19 pm

You should all meet some fella i work with, hes Coopers biggest fan, his desk is decorated with memorabilia of him

Liverpool FC Forum

Tommy cooper - Proof of genius

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