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by hawkmoon269 » Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:33 pm

Report: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges



HELL—A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties Union indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were condemned on drug-related sins.


"Hell was created to keep dangerous sinners off the gold-paved streets of Heaven," ACLU spokesman Barry Horowitz said. "But lately, it's become a clearing-house for the non-evil souls that Heaven doesn't know how to deal with."

The disproportionate number of drug offenders in Hell is a result of God's "get tough" drug policy of the 80s A.D., imposed after Roman emperor Domitian Flavius introduced opium to his people. God's detractors say His reactionary "one sin and you're out" rule places too harsh a penalty on venial drug users.

According to God's law, souls who possess four ounces of illegal drugs at any point during their mortal lives face a mandatory minimum sentence of eternity.

High-ranking seraphim in the Eternal Justice Department defended God's law.

"It's all about accountability," the angel Nathanael said. "The rule of the Lord affords the complementary blessings of freedom and responsibility, and provides the governing framework under which man is punished or rewarded according to his deeds. The rules are very simple: You do the crime, you do the time. Eternity, in this case."

The ACLU report included profiles of hundreds of offenders condemned to eternal perdition under God's law. Among them is Pvt. Robert "Bobby Joe" Hetfield, a World War I fighter and amputee who became addicted to morphine during his last 72 hours of life on a French battlefield in 1918. As punishment, Hetfield has spent nearly a century cleaning Beelzebub's dope house every morning by consuming the urine, excrement, and vomit left by Satan and his revelers.

Another offender listed in the ACLU report is Huachuri, an Incan peasant who used a coca-leaf-based marital aid in 1311. As punishment, he is sodomized continually by a winged, razor-penised goat.
Enlarge ImageReport: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges

Hell (file photo).

Defenders of God's law argue that eternal punishments like these are the only way to deter other drug users, and preserve order in God's kingdom.

"This is not about revolving-door justice," St. Peter said. "While the word of God will keep some on the straight and narrow, Heavenly studies show that eternal damnation is the only deterrent that really works."

Horowitz said that while drug offenders are literally rotting away in Hell, serial killers and other dangerous sinners are receiving "mere Purgatorial sentences, thanks to the asking-for-forgiveness loophole." Purgatory is a minimum-security state of limbo that affords its occupants the opportunity to repent their sins and eventually gain admittance to Heaven on good behavior.

"Drug offenders, many of whom have committed no prior mortal sin, rack up infinite consecutive life sentences," Horowitz said. "Meanwhile, rapists say they're sorry, recite a few Hail Marys, and wind up basking in God's divine radiance within 10 years."

Among those who oppose God's laws are the stewards of Hell, who argue that his harsh anti-drug penalties have taxed the capacities of the underworld.

"I have one ravenous and overworked hellhound assigned to terrorize 12 methamphetamine users," the demon Abracax said. "After 14 hours in the dog's digestive tract, they are excreted and revived, at which point, I give them another shot of methamphetamine. The dog's exhausted—he was originally intended to be responsible for two users at most."

According to Horowitz, even leaving aside questions of civil liberties in the afterlife, God's drug laws are problematic.

"These laws, simply put, don't work," Horowitz said. "What the Heavenly hosts need to consider is some sort of angelic early-intervention program at the pre-death level, or at the very least, some form of afterlife rehab."

by hawkmoon269 » Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:38 pm

CIA: Syria Harboring More Than 15 Million Known Arabs


LANGLEY, VA—In an alarming report released Monday by the Central Intelligence Agency, Syria may be harboring upwards of 15 million known Arabs within its borders.



Suspected Arabs move freely through a Damascus marketplace.

"Reliable intelligence collected by our agency indicates that Syria has conspired to lend physical and economic support to a massive number of people belonging to this group," CIA director George J. Tenet said. "The shocking truth is, there are nearly as many Arabs in Syria as there are people in New York and Los Angeles combined. In fact, Syrians openly refer to their nation as the Syrian Arab Republic, despite knowing full well America's opinion on these matters."

Explaining the CIA's methods of gathering data on the rogue ethnicity's presence in Syria, Tenet said it relied on a combination of satellite imagery, computer-system infiltration, reports from Syrian covert operatives, intercepted radio and television transmissions, and The World Almanac And Book Of Facts 2003.

"It's practically an open secret these days," Tenet said. "Syrian television brazenly shows Arabs in military uniforms carrying guns, or delivering political speeches to other members of the group. Walk into any house of worship in the country, and you'll see people reading the Koran and bowing their heads in prayer toward Mecca. It's almost like they're daring the United States to get involved."

"Disturbingly, more than 90 percent of these Arabs have been linked to the practice of 'Islam'—a defiantly non-Western system of faith whose core principles are embraced by none other than Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein," Tenet added. "If this is true, and we do consider this information to be correct in all particulars, then this is troubling at best."

President Bush, Tenet said, has been aware of Syria's ties to known Arab political and religious figures since the earliest planning stages of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Tenet assured reporters that all possible diplomatic avenues of resolving the situation were being aggressively pursued.

Enlarge ImageCIA: Syria Harboring Jump

In a chilling scene, thousands of Arabs bow toward Mecca in praise of Allah.

"We have informed [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad of the presence of Arabs in his country and have offered any aid necessary to bring this situation under control," Tenet said. "I am confident that a resolution to this crisis can be achieved without resorting to military action."

This is not the first time Syria has been linked to Arabs. Israel found the Golan Heights heavily populated by Arabs when it annexed the region from Syria during 1967's Arab-Israeli War. Arabs have historically held many influential posts in the Syrian government, and the CIA claims to have data indicating that wealthy Arab businessmen control the greater part of Syria's economy.

The CIA report prompted concern from many Americans.

"I'm not surprised," said Wayne Early, an Atlanta-area mortgage broker. "I suspect they're all over that part of the world. First, the government linked them to Sept. 11, then Afghanistan, and then Iraq. It makes you wonder who's next."

"The more I learn about Arabs, the less I like them," said Carol Schecter of Norfolk, VA. "Beirut, Teheran, Baghdad... everyplace there's trouble, they're there, and now we've found them in Syria. I just hope they don't hurt the regular Syrians."

Tenet assured citizens that he is committed to resolving the crisis.

"We don't want to cause any undue panic, but now that the Arabs are there, we're going to have to deal with them," Tenet said. "Unfortunately, they're not just going to go away by themselves."

by hawkmoon269 » Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:46 pm

U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons


WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the Defense Intelligence Agency suggests that there is reason to believe that the former Soviet republic of Nukehavistan may be manufacturing nuclear weapons.


"New intelligence indicates that the likelihood of Nukehavistan possessing nuclear weapons is moderate to strong," said DIA Director Vice Adm. Lowell Jacoby in a press conference Monday.

The report cited several factors that aroused the DIA's suspicion, including the recent ratification of the Nukehavistan Nuclear Pro-Proliferation Treaty, the hawk clutching several nuclear weapons in the Nukehavistani government seal, and the July release of the commemorative "Great Nuclear Weapons Of Nukehavistan" stamp series.

While U.S. reconnaissance satellites have yielded no conclusive evidence of Nukehavistani nuclear capability or activity, suspicions remain.

Enlarge ImageNukehavistan jump

"High-resolution surveillance images obtained via satellite were marred by a green, glowing hue," Jacoby said. "While we cannot conclude that Nukehavistan has nuclear capabilities at this time, it is very possible that our satellites need better cameras."

For now, DIA representatives are investigating this little-known nation, which in 1990 became the first republic to break from the Soviet Union and amass nuclear-manufacturing materials.

"Nukehavistan's topography is dominated by flat, featureless stretches of gypsum and alkali, punctuated by the occasional deep crater and the twisted remains of metal structures," Jacoby said. "Its main exports are surplus Geiger counters, Tyvek fabric, and radioiodine-laced milk, and its only known import is weapons-grade plutonium."

Human intelligence-gathering is reportedly very difficult in the isolated, landlocked country. Nukehavistan's borders are tightly patrolled by its army, and foreigners must receive an official and hard-to-obtain visa to enter the country. However, according to the U.S. State Department, tourism has increased over the past 10 years. The tiny nation is visited most frequently by vacationers from Iran, North Korea, and Pakistan.

It is believed that over 90 percent of Nukehavistan's 17 million citizens work in the power-plant industry.

In the summer issue of Jane's Defense Quarterly, Brian Walters, an expert in former Soviet republics, argued that the DIA's suspicion was founded in cultural bias.

"Nukehavistanis' traditional dress consists of elaborately embroidered lead aprons with hoods and large lead-shielded visors," Walters said. "Their folk music possesses a droning quality comprising two high-pitched concurrent tones at a frequency identical to that of the old Emergency Broadcast System of the Cold War era."

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is planning a visit to Nukehavistan's capital city of Silograd in September. "While there, I will do my best to determine the extent of Nukehavistan's nuclear-production potential," Rice said.

"I also plan to visit the Great Silo," added Rice, speaking of the towering minaret-like structure at the city's center, one of only two man-made structures visible from a low-Earth orbit.

Nukehavistan has neither confirmed nor denied suspicions that they are manufacturing nuclear weapons. Their only response to the mounting investigation came in a vague statement issued late Tuesday evening by Sergei Annihilatovich, who serves as both Nukehavistan's president and its secretary of offensive atomic munitions manufacturing and deployment.

"If this unnecessary investigation by the United States continues, we will have no choice but to nuke them," he said.

by Garymac » Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:55 pm

by hawkmoon269 » Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:01 pm

New, Delicious Species Discovered



MANAUS, BRAZIL—An international team of scientists conducting research in the Amazon River Basin announced the discovery of a formerly unknown primate species inhabiting a remote jungle area roughly 300 miles from Manaus Monday. According to scientists in Manaus, the new species, Ateles saporis, is "an amazing biological find" and "incredibly delectable."


A member of Ateles saporis, which scientists say tastes excellent broiled (below).

"We couldn't be more thrilled!" German researcher Dr. Jerome Keller told reporters Tuesday. "Very few scientists are lucky enough to discover a new species, let alone a mammal with a palatability on par with a tender, juicy steak."

"This is a seriously tasty creature," Keller added.

Although the creature resembles a large kitten, as a member of the Ateles genus, it is more closely related to wooly and spider monkeys. Ateles saporis, informally known as the delicacy ape, is a tree-dwelling herbivore that can measure up to a meter from head to tail. The adult delicacy ape weighs between 35 and 40 pounds and tastes wonderful with a currant glaze.

Keller said the new species boasts a gular sac, a distinctive trait that separates it from other species in the Ateles genus.

"The gular sac is a throat pouch that can be inflated, allowing the animal to make loud calls that resonate through the treetops," Keller said. "More importantly, the pouch can be stuffed with nuts or dried fruits prior to roasting."

Biologist Jeanette Bransky, who served as the research team's chief archivist, presented a series of slides showing delicacy apes cavorting in trees, caring for their young, and sitting thinly sliced on a platter next to roasted red potatoes.

"After careful study, we have determined that Ateles saporis is a very insulated species," Bransky said. "All of their food needs are met in the treetops. They're docile, affectionate creatures with a non-competitive social structure. They often sit grooming each other for hours on end, which explains why their meat is so marbled and tender."


This marks the first primate species discovered since the nearly inedible Arunachal macaque was found in India last year.

"In our studies of the delicacy ape, we have noted several traits, such as play activities, that are almost human," Bransky said. "However, the similarities do not run much deeper than that. Take the loin, for example. Unlike a human's, it's so savory and delicate that it can be eaten just like sashimi."

"Raw or cooked, this species is one of the greatest discoveries of the 21st century," added Bransky, licking her lips.

The team plans to research the species for another two months and then publish its findings in both the International Journal Of Primatology and Bon Appétit.

"We still need to complete an accurate population-density study," Keller said. "We assume that their habitat is limited to the Amazon and that their total number is very small. We need to gather data quickly, as the species is almost certainly facing extinction. I mean, it's that good."

Keller said the discovery of the delicacy ape underscores the importance of protecting delicate ecosystems from mass deforestation.

"The Amazon River Basin boasts the greatest biodiversity in the world, with countless potentially tasty species waiting to be discovered," Keller said. "As for the delicacy ape, I only hope there's something we can do to preserve it. Maybe we can get them to breed in captivity. Generations to come should have the opportunity to enjoy the taste of this majestic creature."

by hawkmoon269 » Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:03 pm

Israel Intercepts Massive Palestinian Rock Shipment


NABLUS, GAZA STRIP (AP)—Israeli troops patrolling the border of the Gaza Strip breathed a sigh of relief Monday as state-of-the-art Israeli customs-searching equipment intercepted a large shipment of rocks bound for Palestinian youth demonstrators.


Israeli soldiers guard crates of intercepted Soviet rocks bound for Palestinian youth demonstrators. The weapons are valued at 800 million dinar, or about $6.

It is believed that the shipment came from a rogue Soviet republic willing to sell rocks to the highest bidder on the international arms market.

The value of the shipment—250 crates filled with rocks, pebbles and gravel—is estimated in the neighborhood of 800 million dinar (about $6).

The rocks, mostly small, one-hand throwing rocks, were concealed in large crates of medical supplies being sent to PLO camps near the Israel-Jordan border.

Israeli officials vowed to track down the supplier of the weapons. "Whatever secret underground rock smugglers have been outfitting the Palestinians, we will find them," Israeli Defense Minister Avi Birkot said. "Rocks like these could really hurt someone."

According to munitions expert James Wolk, if thrown with enough force and accuracy, the seized rocks "could create permanent scuff marks in an Israeli tank, and possibly even make a small dent."

"The world is still a very dangerous place," Secretary of State Warren Christopher said in an offical U.S. statement.